Honey, now if I'm honest...

Change of Address

2007-05-07T02:17:00.000+10:00

Hey crazy kids! How are you all? Is life being kind?

I've decided to be a bit random and change blog addresses. If you're interested in continuing to read my mundane ramblings, chuck an email my way and I'll send ya the new link.

jakwalena at hotmail dot com

Cheers!

boys boys boys

2007-04-26T12:27:00.000+10:00

After more than a year and a half of singledom - of pretty much no interest from boys beyond a random pash or a casual fling here and there - I've finally met someone really nice who really wants to be with me.. cos he likes me. This is quite a revelation for me. Someone actually likes me in a number of different ways and wants to be in a relationship... blows my mind!

So you can understand that my mind is spinning, when I tell you that since meeting Mr Newlove, not one but two other boys have expressed their interest in persuing a relationship with me. WHAAAAAT?!

And it was only since telling them that I've met someone new. The first boy in question is Boy #1 from my previous online dating experience who I'd seen a few times but it never went beyond a casual thing. I was chatting to him on MSN and mentioned Mr Newlove and all of a sudden Boy #1 was talking about how he'd always felt we had a connection and did I think it was serious with Mr Newlove? cos he'd really like to take me out again some time. He kept pushing it, saying he'd thought from the start that we'd be great together, and he made me promise I'd consider it.

The second boy in question was a friend of mine who I've never blogged about before (because he's completely insignificant in my mind!). I was also chatting to him on MSN and mentioned Mr Newlove when all of a sudden he came out with questions like "How come you and I never got together?", "How about we go see a movie on the weekend?" and "Make sure you give me a call if things don't work out with Mr Newlove".

Bizzare! Now that I'm unavailable I'm suddenly more attractive to the opposite sex!

Anyway, none of that matters since Mr Newlove and I are getting more and more serious.. I've seen him every day since I got back from Melbourne and the more time I spend with him, the more I like him... I keep discovering all these little details which I love (like he's so domesticated! he cooks and cleans and irons) and we're becoming more relaxed around each other so the gentle teasing and mucking around has started. My fave part of a new relationship :) The things that bothered me at the beginning are now almost entirely insignificant, and he's so into me in every way which just makes my self esteem skyrocket. I'm definitely on to a good thing.

Internet dating, huh? Would woulda thunk it?

brutal honesty

2007-04-18T19:15:00.000+10:00

I have a bit of a history of lying in relationships. My first love was built upon some fairly sizeable lies, and I haven't been entirely honest about some things in relationships that followed. I decided a long time ago that my next relationship was going to be entriely open and honest - no secrets, no lies.

So now that next relationship is developing, and I'm beginning to wonder just how honest I should be. Is there such a thing as being too honest?

Take, for example, the issue of your number of sexual partners. Mr Newlove and I haven't had that discussion yet, but I know he has just recently come out of a 4 year relationship (he's only 23) and he's mentioned before that he'd never have a one night stand. That says to me that his number is considerably low.

Mine, however, is considerably high. For a girl of my age.

Should I be worried about that? Would he be freaked out? Offended? Disgusted? Would it make him feel inadequate or self conscious? Would it make him view me differently? Would it be better for me to lower the number and soften the blow?

And if I do tell him the truth, do I have to justify myself? Do I have to explain how I'm a massive flirt, how I drink too much and lose my inhibitions, how I seek affirmation from random people I don't know...

Would it be such a bad thing to stretch the truth a little on this one? Would I feel bad about it later?

It's not that I'm ashamed of my past and the things I've done, but everyone views these things differently. I'd be happy to be open and honest about this if I knew he'd be ok with it. But is it worth telling the truth if it's going to cause problems?

Help me out, people - I need opinions!

fun, frivolity and farewells!

2007-04-15T00:39:00.000+10:00

*WARNING* This post may contain a whole lot of wanky sentimental crap which might make you groan and/or possibly revisit your last meal. I apologise in advance - it has to be done!

I can quite easily say that I'm yet to meet a blogger who isn't fabulous in one way or another. There must be something about blogging that attracts the most fun people. Either that, or I'm only friends with the great ones... yeah, come to think of it, that's probably it.

A nice little story-book account of dinner with the blog girls on Wednesday can be found over here. Because I'm lazy, I'm just going to post a few pics and let y'all know that a great time was had by all! I particularly loved meeting Bee and Shona who instantly won me over in their different ways.

Bee is gentle and unassuming yet delightfully interesting with a quick wit and a comfortable vibe. Talking with her made me feel really.. well, comfortable! I love the way she's so switched on and she comes in with the funniest/most poignant things in such a subtle way. Great girl :)

Brooke and Shona -
Shona has a delighfully wicked sense of humour and a really familiar way about her. There's nothing pretentious about that girl, what you see is what you get! Top marks, Shona!

Phil and I - it has been said many times, but god help the world when Phil and I are together! What a champ :) Beautiful girl.

The very amusing waiter/owner of the Italian restaurant where we ate chocolate pizzas... he took my camera behind the bar, pretending to be taking 'inappropriate' photos, and returned with this!!

Me and Jadey - another new friend, and a very fun girl!

So skip a few days ahead and Friday night found all of us together again (plus a few more) at Phil's farewell drinks. And this is where it starts to sound suss because once again I have to go on a few tangents about all my new girl crushes! I finally got to spend some quality time with Beck (who I'd only met fleetingly beforehand) and I'm so completely in love with her. I also got to (finally) meet Linda who is just so gorgeous, Kate who cracks me up to no end, Sassy (Cynthia) who's genuinely beautiful and, well, SASSY, and Ash who has incredible style and an endearing demeanor.

Girl crush #1 - Bee

Girl crush #2 - Linda - gentle and genuine. A lovely girl :)

Girl crush # 3 - Beckie - beautiful, hilarious, feisty. She feels like a bit of a mentor, to be honest! I look forward to getting to know her better in times to come.

Girl crush #4 - Brooke (and Miles..) I can't begin to tell you how much I love this girl. When we first met back in December I was instantly drawn to her and thought she as delightful and sweet and smart.. but as I get to know her better I'm discovering all these quirky, funny, witty, endearing elements to her personality that surprise and impress me! I love love love her :D

Girl crush #5 and boy crush#1 - Philippa and her cousin Luke. Luke and I had a nice chat throughout the night - he's charming and sweet. Full marks again!

My camera stayed in my bag when we moved onto the next place, so I missed out on all the frivolous photos! Rest assured there'll be some classics pop up on Phil's blog within the next few days... There was definitely a bit of debauchery going on that night!

A great pic of the whole gang (minus Ash). God knows what we were all laughing at, but I can guarantee those smiles rarely left our faces the whole night.

Once again, I'm feeling too lazy for any sort of chronological recap of the night.. I'm sure at least one of the other girls will fill you in if you're feeling shortchanged - go check 'em out! God knows I've done enough hyper-linking in this post to last me a lifetime.

So even though there's roughly 9 days until Phil leaves Melbourne and even longer until she leaves the country, now's a fitting time to officially say Farewell, good friend! You've got an amazing journey ahead of you. No one knows exactly what adventures await you, but we can say for certain that you'll meet them head on with a heart full of determination and joy, with all your grace and humility and with a pen (and a keyboard!) poised ready to record it all ;) Best of luck - we'll miss you! xxoo

South Again

2007-04-10T14:19:00.000+10:00

Well here I am in Sunny Melbourne (and yes, I can call it that - the sun has been hotter than BrisVegas these last few days!).

So far a lot of TV has been watched, chocolate has been consumed, bargain shopping has been done and hair has been dyed. In other words, it's like I never left Brisbane!

I always have these conflicts when I come to Melbs about spending time with friends vs. spending time with family. Mum just wants me to be available 24 hours a day so we can talk and play cards and drink wine (which is great!) but then I have at least three different groups of friends who call and sms every ten minutes with requests to 'catch up'.

The bad thing about this is I hate to organise social outings. I just want someone to say "meet me here at this time and we'll do this" and I'd be more than happy to oblige. But it very rarely works that way.

Add to this the two rather large assignments I have to complete before the week is out and suddenly there's very little time to breathe!

Having said that, I'm looking forward to hanging out with multiple bloggers at Phil's farewell on Friday, and fingers crossed we'll be doing something else spectacular together at some point... (picnic at hanging rock, anyone?). I've got lunch plans with some school friends for tomorrow, a night out at Cherry on Thursday, my brother's birthday dinner on Sunday... And it'll be a mad rush to finish my uni work in between those times.

Meanwhile, I've been chatting to Mr NewLove every day and we've had a couple of in depth discussions about what we want and where we're headed and the like and we've both decided we're going to take it easy and see what happens. No use rushing into anything. He's great in so many ways, but I do have my reservations - I mean, no one's perfect.. and I think I need to let go of that idea that I am going to find that elusive perfect guy. I have to take the good with the bad and weigh up what's more important! But I am missing his delectable kisses ;) *collective groan*

I'm gonna go stuff myself with more chocolate. Laterz!

Updates!

2007-04-06T21:24:00.000+10:00

What a crazy week.

I've been procrastinating and studying in equal amounts, pulled a couple of all nighters at uni, and I've finally handed in my last assignment... (until next week. D'oh!). I don't have that usual "assignments all finished" after-glow, though, because I am totally disappointed with the effort I made on the last one. It was fairly straight forward and well within my genious, but I kept stuffing around and just couldn't be bothered, so the final result was completely half arsed!

But hey - s'all done. I'm relieved.

***

The other interesting bit of news to share (and I've been um-ing and ah-ing over whether to post about it) is that I've met someone...

Last week I decided to give the whole online dating thing another whirl, and after a week of the usual disappointing interest (why do I always hear from the nerdiest guys?!), I got an email from someone kinda interesting.

So we've met a couple of times, and today we spent all day together doing absolutely nothing. And it was great :)

It's the strangest thing, we just clicked from word go. There was no akwardness (strange for me, cos I'm the epitome of akward) and we're just really compatible in so many ways.

So I'm walking around with a smile on my face. It's early days, but hey... looks promising!

And the weirdest part? He has the same name as my 'love-of-my-life' Ex, who is currently going out with a girl named Jac. Does anyone else think that is more than a little bizzare?!

***

Oh, and in other news, remember how I told my new employers during my interview that I could juggle? (And I definitely cant!)

Turns out they planned the entire vacation care as a Circus theme based entirely around my juggling abilities, and were expecting me to deliver the goods. THANK GOD I'm going to Melbourne and wont be here for vacation care!! I really dodged a bullet with that one!'

And now some other lucky bugger gets to learn to juggle ;)

stupid mistake #3256

2007-03-31T10:53:00.000+10:00

Lesson I've learnt today:

When a prep kid tells you needs to go to the toilet, he means it!

Nothing makes you feel more guilty than making a kid wait and then returning to find he's 'had an accident'! The worst part was he said to me very matter of factly "My mummy says that when I feel that I need to go, that I should tell a teacher straight away". Which is exactly what he did! And I dismissed him!

Oh the guilt!

Luckily he wasn't too fussed and he had a change of clothes (quite miraculous really - perhaps in anticipation of events such as these?).

Another amusing prep kid complained to me that another boy hurt his "ankle bone" whilst clutching at his forearm.

Kids say the darndest things!

I got the playground duty blues

2007-03-29T18:52:00.000+10:00

Hmmm...

I think I hate my new job.

It's just so boring! Every shift so far I've been on "playground duty", which pretty much means I:

wear a very attractive 'sunsafe' hat
stand around watching kids chase each other and collect rocks
listen to kids who follow me around talk about soccer and dragonflies
Tie shoelaces
repeat cranky teacher-esque phrases like "Put the stick down!", "Stop eating sand!" and "Apologise to Timmy for giving him a wedgie, please"

I really hate having to diffuse arguements and discipline children. It's just not in my nature! And I have pretty much no concept of how to deal with those sort of situations. I guess that comes with experience, but... right now it's driving me crazy. When a kid comes up to me and says "Jack hit me with his bag and didn't apologise", all I want to say is "Who gives a frick??"

"Study Duty", however, I love... I totally enjoy helping kids colour in, string beads, write their names, build with leggo. I spent a full 10 mins in the study this afternoon and had the time of my life!

But playground duty sucks balls. And I have a feeling I'll be stuck on it for a long time.

*le sigh*

youtube, my new hero!

2007-03-25T15:24:00.000+10:00

I have to admit, I've been trying so hard to boycott YouTube since its rise to popularity. Apart from the odd amusing video here and there, I'd never really understood the point of it all.

Until now.

I hadn't even considered YouTube on my quest to uncover the delights of 80's & early 90's kid's TV shows until commenters suggested it on my last post. That's how anti-YouTube I've been - it's even a subconscious boycott! But tonight I've spent hours watching snippets of all my old favourites, including:
Trap Door
Superted
Square One
Banana Man
Henry's Cat
Fat Tulip's Garden
Strawberry Shortcake
Rainbow Brite
Bobby's World and
Raggy Dolls

Oh YouTube! I will never dismiss you again! I will never talk ill of you or question your existance! You are my new best friend!

My biggest blast from the past so far has been You Can't Do That On Television!!! I had completely forgotten about this show! Watch the opening credits, I guarantee the theme song will bring with it a wave of nostalgia...

My all time favourite show was Sooty. Watching these clips now still bring back such strong emotions! There was a particular Sooty episode which I loooooooved, but I can't find it on YouTube. It was the one where the gang moved into their new house and were running through al the doors and kept missing each other. Oh how I'd love to see that episode again!

In the mean time, here's a gorgeous clip which still makes me squeal with delight! I love the way when Sweep asks a question it's got all the right intonations :)

I always loved the episodes where they took baths too :) woaaah, flashback!

And just cos it's so cute, another short clip of Sweep "singing":

Here's the link to some clips of the T-Bag show I was talking about. It's heaps crappier than I remember! But thanks to Kate for digging it up for me. Undying love, coming your way!

So there's one more show in the back of my mind that I can't quite place... there was a wizard and a cauldron and maybe a talking wall? And the cauldron would tell stories... I know that's totally vague, but hopefully someone will know what I'm talking about!

I know this only scrapes the surface.. there were so many freakin' awesome shows back in the day. So what are your most nostaligic TV shows from your youth? Spill it! And then we'll all YouTube it :)

blogger's block

2007-03-24T17:08:00.000+10:00

After my (very) short burst of daily blogging, I seem to have hit a wall. I can't think of a single entertaining thing to blog about, and I'm sure it's because I got a shout out from Steph. Now there's, like, pressure to write something worth reading! I'm calling it Blogger's Block. It's like the reversal of Madame Boffin's "posturbation".

But hey, even a creativity drought wont stop me from using my blog to procrastinate! I've got mountains of uni work to do, including at least one thing that was supposed to be due yesterday, and so far today I've:

watched 3 episodes of scrubs
mindlessly consumed fruit and muesli bars from the fridge
trimmed and painted my toe nails
researched the old kids TV shows from my youth
applied a mud mask, shaved my legs and plucked my eyebrows
played Japanese number puzzles
flirted with random online dating site boys
complained to anyone who'll listen about the amount of uni work I have!

I have no idea just when I'm planning on doing said uni work seeing as tonight I'm working, tomorrow morning I'm being a lady of leisure at a friend's riverside swimming pool, tomorrow afternoon I'm downing beers and perving on boys at the pub and Monday I'm looking after mobs of screaming kids... I guess I'm hoping for time to stop and for some parallel universe to open up where motivation is plentiful and brilliance is abundant!

Speaking of old kids TV shows (we were, weren't we?), does anyone remember the series of shows involving the characters T-Bag and T-Shirt?? There was a girl who had to go around and collect keys/pearls/letters and the witch T-Bag would try to foil her mission by spying on her in the tea cup which only T-Shirt could make properly! Sounds like a major acid induced trip, but it was the coolest show ever. I so want to download it, but I can't find it anywhere. So the challenge is on! If anyone can find me an episode you'll win.. my undying love forever and ever.

Another hour wasted! Success!

gah

2007-03-22T10:19:00.000+10:00

After an hour of brain-numbing maths, multiple calculators, several internet banking providers and pages of scribbled notes, I have now decided to leave my budget exactly as it is.

W00t

the commando

2007-03-21T22:46:00.000+10:00

I keep hearing whispers around the internetz that people are of the opinion that The Commando from TBL is steaming hot.

I'm a little weirded out by this because every time I see him he reminds me so much of my exboyfriend (albeit a ~~slightly~~ much more muscly version).

Coincidently, they're both from a military background and they're both named Steve.

How come no one ever thought my ex was steaming hot?! Is it the muscles? Is that the only thing?

are manners a thing of the past?

2007-03-20T13:48:00.000+10:00

There's no way to make an impression on your first day of a new job like wiping your nose on the back of your hand because you've blown your way through the six tissues you stuffed in your pocket whilst explaining in a husky smoker-esque voice that you've got a bit of a cold...

Funny thing is, no one mentioned it... no one even blinked an eyelid!

When I walked in yesterday, there were 3 people in the room - the girl who'd interviewed me and subsequentially offered me the position, another emoployee, and a girl who was starting that day along with me. No one acknowledged me! And it's a freakin' tiny room. I smiled at the new girl and she smiled back, and I said a cheery "Hello" to the general room, which illicited a nod from the Boss.

The Boss then proceeded to start her 4 hour speal about the ins and outs of the job without attempting any casual greetings or small talk or to introduce me to anyone.

Huh? Don't you think that's weird? As the afternoon progressed, and the Boss was showing us around and telling us everything we needed to know, we came in contact with multiple other employees - mostly young people like myself - and not one of them said hello or introduced themselves! I didn't speak to everyone, but each of those I spoke to, I had to initiate the conversation.

Maybe it's just me, but I find that whole situation a bit bizzare. I know when new people start at ColdRock, the current staff are always more than welcoming and we make an effort to be enthusiastic, friendly and interested in them! Isn't that the norm?

Strange social conventions aside, everyone seemed to be quite nice and it was obvious they all got along well together and respected each other. It seems like a great work environment. And the kids are awesome! Oh how I love working with kids! They were much more accomodating than their carers - they would actually come up to me and ask me my name and give me a hug! Now there's an example that adults should follow! Maybe not the hug part, but you know.. the rest.

I think it'll be one of those jobs that will take a bit to learn the ropes and find your place within the whole scheme of things, but I have faith that I'm in the right place! I'm very glad I accepted the job now. I know I'm gonna love it :)

In the mean time, my nose is red raw and I suggest you all buy shares in Kleenex.

probably the lamest meme I've ever done

2007-03-13T22:02:00.000+10:00

There'll be a real post soon, I promise... but for now, here's some mind-numbing bullshit for y'all to waste your time with! If you find this annoying, go hassle Deb. It's all her fault! ;)

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1 Cold Rocker
2 Checkout chick
3 Baby sitter (?)
4 professional slack arse

Four movies I could watch over and over. (only 4?!? I could go on forever! I'll limit it to the 5 movies I can quote from start to finish...)
1 That Thing You Do
2 Pulp Fiction
3 Love Actually
4 Lost in Translation

5 10 Things I Hate About You

Four places I have lived:
1 Hervey Bay
2 Melbourne
3 Paddington
4 Euroa

Four TV shows I love to watch: (once again, only 4?! This is unfair... )
1 Gray's Anatomy
2 Any kind of reality TV... Big Brother, The Amazing Race, Biggest Loser, Airport, Changing Rooms (the brittish version on cable), Beauty and the Geek. Oh yeah. (cheating, I know...)
3 Scrubs
4 The Office

5 Those forestic investigation type shows - addictive!

Just cos I think it's a better question, I've added it in here myself:
Four TV shows I HATE to watch :
1 Dancing with the Stars
2 Home and Away
3 Saving Babies
4 ok, I couldn't think of a 4th... I just love TV!

Four favourite foods:
1 cake of any kind
2 haloumi cheese
3 nectarines
4 fresh bread

Four places I would rather be right now:
1 Living in France, sitting in one of those windows with the vines growing around it with a view of the Eiffel Tower
2 At a fun party with ALL my favourite friends
3 Playing spite & malice with my Mum with a glass of wine and Elvis playing in the background
4 Swimming in crystal clear water in a secluded spot on the north of Fraser Island

workin' girl

2007-03-09T16:45:00.000+10:00

Ok, so just to make everyone's heads hurt a little more, here's the latest:

I got the job.

And I accepted it.

When the call came in there was a flurry of panic in my head - What do I say? What do I do? I hesitated for a moment and said "Ok, great... That's great."

I start a week from Monday and I'll be emailed all the details...

So my first thought was "Oh god I have to call them back straight away and tell them I don't want it", but then I calmed down a little, had a think about it, read Amanda's comment on the last post and rang the ATO.

After 20mins on hold, I got through to Greg - a lovely chap with a brittish accent, who put my fears to rest about the 48% tax I thought I'd have to pay.. it's nowhere near that much, although he couldn't give me an exact figure.

So, I guess it might be ok afterall!

Only time will tell.

In other breaking news, I got my scooter back today ($924.35 later) and it's running so smoothly I breathe a sigh of happiness each time I accelerate. Oh how I've missed you, sascha! Don't ever leave me again!

stupid mistake #356

2007-03-08T18:34:00.000+10:00

Lesson I've learned today: I really should think things through before I make hasty decisions.

Today I had an interview for a job at a Before and After School Care centre. As my scooter is still being repaired, I had to catch a bus which I always find a little daunting when it's a line I've never caught before and I'm not sure when to alight.

Needless to say I got off at the wrong stop and started walking in completely the wrong direction before I ended up at Morningside Primary. Oops, wrong school.. So I asked a nice little lady where I might find the correct school, and she pointed me vaguely in the opposite direction. It was lucky I was super early so I had plenty of time to traipse around Bulimba, sweaty and bewildered.

When I finally got to the right school I was 20 mins early and there was noone in the OSHC office, so I sat down out the front and waited... 12 o'clock rolled around - nothing... 10 past 12 I decided to ask at the admin office - they had no idea. I left a message with them, and went back to the OSHC office to wait a few more minutes on the off chance someone would come by. At 12.25pm the girl who was interviewing me, Claire, finally showed up, completely unaware that she had an appointment!

Claire would have only been a few years older than me and she appeared to be slightly nerdy, the kinda girl I probably would have picked on in grade 8.. but she was apologetic and nice enough, and I was super friendly and relaxed. She had a form with a whole series of questions on it which she filled out while I talked.. it was mainly boring stuff about my availability and what special qualities or skills I could bring to the OSHC, but there were a few questions about my theories on behaviour management and what I believed made a good OSHC which I know I rambled on in response to.

One question gave a senario of if I were called in at the last minute one afternoon and had to prepare an activity on the theme of "The Circus", what would I plan? I said I'd draw on my theatre background and teach the kids some clowning techniques like slapstick comedy and juggling. WHAT THE?! I don't know how to juggle!! And at the end of the interview, Claire made a comment on the juggling and how interesting that was. If they hire me, I'll have to avoid the juggling topic at all costs!

So I got the impression there were a number of people who applied for the job - she had a folder full of applications, and said they'd been interviewing for over a week. She seemed impressed by me, but I really have no idea where I stand. She's going to call me tomorrow.

ANYWAY, here's my dilema: I've pretty much worked out in the 5 hours since my interview that I don't want the job.

The way things work with my Centrelink payment, a second job is like digging your own grave. I'd be taxed an exorborant amount, and still have to report the income BEFORE tax, even though I'd only be getting half of it in my pocket. Which means my payment is drastically reduced and I end up worse off financially for the fortnight.

She made a point during the interview that the hours are quite casual and I could expect two or three 3 hour shifts per week.. not enough to quit Coldrock entirely, therefore solving the problem of the dreaded "2nd job".

Add to this the fact that I'm all of a sudden terrified at the thought of working with children. Well, not so much the working with children part, but more the akward first few weeks where they don't know you and aren't comfortable with you yet...

Plus I can't goddamn juggle!

So I'm hoping and praying that I don't get the job. Then I can go to my boss at ColdRock and beg for more hours so I'm not constantly broke all the time.

Moral of the story is, I really should have thought about all this money stuff BEFORE I started applying for a second job willy nilly. I'm so freakin' stupid sometimes it makes my head hurt.

2 years ago today...

2007-03-07T17:22:00.000+10:00

Today is exactly two years since I last started weight watchers. I lost 24kgs in a year. We'll casually skip over the second year where I regained 14kgs...

I've now got 24kgs to lose (*internal scream*) If I started again now, I'd be at goal this time in '08!

Do you think I can be arsed?? :p

safe at last

2007-03-06T23:00:00.000+10:00

I know you were all on the edge of your seats waiting to find out what happened with the mutant ~~teenage ninja turtle~~ spider, so it's with great pleasure that I can finally announce:

"The mutant has left the building!"

Turns out my room mate's boyfriend is more scared of spiders than I am. He was staying over last night and Mr Mutant Spider happened to be on the wall of said room mate's bedroom just above her bed. He cried like a sissy girl until she was forced to remove the spider with the old tupperwear-container-and-a-piece-of-cardboard trick.

Done and done. I can now sleep easy. And cancel that removalist truck.

Meanwhile, just as a little community service announcement for y'all, I've stumbled across a neat website called PeekVid. And maybe I'm waaaay late in jumping on the bandwagon or maybe there's tonnes of better sites out there in the wild internetz which do a similar thing, but I think it's heaps awse. Quality's pretty shite, but for someone who hates waiting for stuff to download it's a dream come true! Instant fun. Check it out! So far today I've watched episodes Dawson's Creek, America's Next Top Model, Beauty and the Geek, Scrubs, Arrested Development and 1/3 of an episode of Degrassi (until I realised it doesn't have any of the original cast - don't bother!!). It's a terrible thing that I've discovered this site at the beginning of new semester. I'm never getting any work done!

In other news, I have an interview on Thursday for an OSHC job! Woot!
(That's Out of School Hours Care for you uninformed peeps - before and after school care in layman's terms)
Wish me luck!

P.S. I don't really count brush strokes.. t'was kinda a reference to Stranger Than Fiction.. good movie, go see it!

Invaded

2007-03-05T10:20:00.000+10:00

My home is no longer safe.

Open doors and windows around the clock has meant a constant threat of invasion, but up until now I've been able to put my fears aside and go on living as normal.

Not anymore.

Last night, we were invaded.

...

By the biggest, fattest, hairiest spider you've ever seen.

It was around 22:00h, I was readying myself for a good night's slumber, in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just as I was counting my last few strokes what did I see in the mirror on the wall behind me, but this gigantic mother fucker!

I screamed, mouth full of toothpaste, turned around so fast that I banged my hip on the counter and sent the hair straightener crashing to the ground. Clutching my hip, I made a dash for the doorway, only to get my foot entangled in the hair straightener's cord. I lost my balance and bomb dived at the doorway, smashing my other hip in the process.

Despite the enormous amount of pain and a still foamy mouth, I managed to crawl out of the bathroom and into my bedroom where I shut the door and had my own little nervous breakdown.

I never thought I was scared of spiders until I saw this fella. He is Lord of the Spiders.

I told my roommates and they laughed themselves stupid. Apparently they're not scared of spiders. Pfft! It's not a spider, it's a mutant! They refused to remove it, even going so far as to share the shower with it. Ha!

So nothing was done about the mutant spider, and this morning I awoke to find it gone.

My house is no longer safe. The enemy has invaded. It's here, hiding, waiting... I think I have to move.

stuff and nonsense

2007-03-01T18:02:00.000+10:00

Continuing in the recent "dot-points" theme, here's today's ramblings...

PacMan really stresses me out. Those ghosts travel so fast, and poor old PacMan is so outnumbered! How is that fair?! And as soon as you eat a big dot and you can start devouring the ghosts, they come back straight away with a vengance! After a while, they really hone in on you and you just don't have a chance. Really, I get quite worked up. Probably not good for my blood pressure!

I have crushes on 3 random boys in my French class! First is the smart, well-spoken, reserved and attractive in an intellectual type way Sharooz (he's Indian. very hot!) who sits next to me most days.. Our friendship started last semester, and this year it's continuing to blossom :). Second is the genuine, down-to-earth Stuart. He's the kinda guy who'll stop when he passes you in the hallway and chat for 10 minutes. He's uber friendly and I just love him! Third (always save the best to last) is the rough, sexy, well-built Daniel who has the most delicious shoulders and back I've ever seen. I love sitting behind him in class so I can take full advantage of the view. He's also really nice, with a cute smile and long-ish hair. Today after class a few of us were walking out together, and people gradually dropped off to go in different directions, so Daniel and I were left walking into the city together. We chatted the whole way, it was such a special moment :p I know he felt it too! ;) . Plan is to seduce one of these fine males, rent a yacht and sail around the ocean drinking champagne and whispering sweet french nothings in each others ears.

I took my scooter in for a service yesterday and I got a call this afternoon saying there's extensive work that needs to be done on it (new tyres and brakes) - to the tune of over $900!! I'm freakin' out. I've got $400 cash from a scholarship which I'm happy to put towards it, but the other $500 is going to have to come out of savings :( That's my Europe fund!! *cries* It's really lame, cos I only paid $2000 for the damn thing in the first place. But I've weighed up my options, and the best thing to do is just fork out the cash and get over it.

I totally re-designed my MySpace in a bored moment today. I'm diggin' it. Check it out!

If anyone was at all concerned or interested, I totally overreacted with the PCOS self diagnosis! Turns out I have "hormonal problems" which are *hopefully* going to be rectified with a different pill. Easy peasy. (By the way.. for those who asked me about symptoms of PCOS.. I have no idea, it was a blind guess based on hearsay! I suggest you google it if you're interested)

If everyone who reads this wants to send $10 my way, I'm sure it will add up to a nice little contribution to my money dilemas! What do y'all say?? :D

Things that should be illegal

2007-02-27T20:27:00.000+10:00

Things that should be illegal:

3 hour tutorials
textbooks priced over $20
chairs with no backs (make for terrible posture)
about 75% of people at uni (there's just far too many of them)
temperatures over 26 degrees
people sitting next to me in class
dirty dishes
room mates who eat your yogurt
supermarkets who don't stock your yogurt
Dancing with the Stars
speed bumps
vending machines which steal your money
burning hot coffee
2000 word french essays
printers that print 21 blank pages, yet still charge you for it
annoying girls who think they know everything about teaching strategies and pedagogy, but are really just ugly with pockmarks and dirty hair

Can you tell I had a crap day?

When good bloggers go bad

2007-02-26T12:22:00.000+10:00

If you've come here looking for a detailed account of the renowned Nerd Fest 4, you've come to the wrong place.

You see, I have this little problem... it's a combination of intitial alcohol consumption - enough to effect my judgement - with further drinking in a fairly automatic/unconscious way, which leads to tactless statements, loud talking, bad dancing/singing and large periods of complete memory loss. Hence, I can't remember most of NF4.

It actually upsets me to no end! I know it was a fun-filled evening with good company and lots of witty banter/amusing anecdotes, and I know I was physically present, but I feel like I missed out on it all! Fact of the matter is, there's photographic evidence that I was taking part in the frivolity, I just can't recall the details.

Things I Do Remember:

The chicken kebabs were awesome, I think I could live on those for the rest of my life
I scored a bag full of free clothing! I wont have to shop again for a year. (That doesn't mean I wont... ;) )
When you're a compulsive eater like me, it's easier to bring a table full of dip to you, than to keep getting up to go to the dip. (P.S. my life IS changed)
Talking about the circle of life, and that animals were born to be eaten is not a good idea when sitting between two vegetarians.
I wasn't lying when I said the m&m pie was all about being pretty, not tasty!
Koalas from Perth have quite impressive pectoral muscles! It's true, people! And it would appear they're ashamed of them.
Cuddling up with Deb and her BF on the couch was possibly the most comforting enjoyable part of my evening!
We were planning NF5 before NF4 had barely begun! As far as I know, it was based around the idea of consuming even more alcohol. Hmmm, we might be re-thinking that one.

So... NF4.5, anyone?

distraction

2007-02-23T11:30:00.000+10:00

La di da da... here's a random post to distract you from the fact that I made a ridiculous fool out of myself in the last one! Thanks to everyone who corrected my spelling and/or general stupidity. Now lets all put this from out minds and pretend it never happened.

One of my room mates has been working full time for a year now - it's been great knowing that at any given point in the day I'll be alone in the house to do my own thing. If it weren't for the constant mess my roommates leave I could almost pretend I lived alone!! But now, said room mate is going back to uni this year. Which means she's converting to part time work. Which means she'll be around the house heaps. Don't get me wrong, I love her - we get along smashingly - but I always feel unsettled when all three of us are home. I feel like I don't have space or freedom! Not to mention the fact that both our computers are in the same room, and I can't write/read blogs when she's in the room (it's one of my things) AND she hates the noise my computer makes (??) so whenever I leave the study she turns it off!! It's such a bitch! I might only be leaving for half an hour, and when I come back anything that I was in the middle of is gone. And it'll be twice as bad now that she'll be home all the time. Maybe I should try and squeeze my computer into my room. Not that there's anywhere enough room - I live in a shoebox as it is.

I have a suspicion I might have PCOS... I have to do a little more research, but I was talking to a friend about my problems, and she suggested it might be that. She's got PCOS herself. I'm going to the doctor on Monday, but it will be mucho dollars and multiple visits to different specialists to make a diagnosis. The upside is it tends to be controlled once you lose weight... more motivation to get my arse into gear! But I could still be totally off the mark... I'll have to wait and see

tom-AY-to, tom-AR-to

2007-02-22T20:29:00.000+10:00

This afternoon I continued on one of my long standing traditions and went to the movies alone. I saw Babel, and before I give you my opinion of said movie, I have to comment on its name.

When I first saw this movie advertised, I assumed it was pronounced "BAY-bel". Not sure why... reminded me of Babel-Fish, and that's the way I'd always pronounced it... Anyway, after all the buzz about the movie on TV and everyone pronouncing it "BAB-el", I resigned to the fact that I was wrong, and went on my merry way. (I since realise it's most likely a reference to the biblical name Babel in reference to Babylon... or something). Then today when I went to purchase my movie ticket, I got up to the counter and said:

"One student to BAB-el, please"

The ticket girl looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "You mean BAY-bel?"

I simply raised my eyebrows at her and said, "Whatever."

***

However the hell you wanna pronounce it, the movie itself was brilliant. Heart-wrenching, but brilliant. At the beginning of the movie you can't imagin how each story will link together as they all seem worlds apart, but by the end it all makes sense. I particularly loved the Japanese story line... We saw the story unfold from the perspective of a deaf-mute teenage girl whose mother had committed suicide and who was desperate for validation. What an interesting perspective to take! I really felt for her.

The situation with the Mexican nanny and her altercations with the police - uh!! My heart went out to her. It really opened my eyes to how things are not always how they seem, and those who appear to have committed some sort of crime can very easily be innocent!

All in all, it was a eye-opening glimpse into humanity in all its forms, and a beautifully portrayed message that despite how different we are, we all experience pain, love and desperation. If you haven't seen it, go now!! Don't waste another second! It's well worth it.

***

While I'm on the topic of pronounciation (well, I was on the topic.. cast your minds back to the top of the post!), let me ask you about that word itself - pronounciation.

I would normally say it in the same way you'd say "pronounce" with "ciation" on the end: "Pro-NOUN-ciation"

My best friend ridicules me for saying it this way. She believe's it's said "Pro-NUN-ciation" and that the very fact that I'm mis-pronouncing the word pronounciation is so ironic.

I've always believed it's one of those words which you can say either way! Tomato, tomato!

What say you?!

theme park fun

2007-02-21T10:42:00.000+10:00

So over the weekend, I was kind enough to accompany a friend on trips to Wet 'n' Wild and Sea World.. she and her brother both got a three park super pass for christmas and they planned on going to all three together, but at the last minute he decided to bring his girlfriend to Wet 'n' Wild (thus, leaving my friend without a partner for all the rides) and pulled out of Sea World all together. So I stepped in and saved the day! With my trusty creditcard, of course... who has that sort of cash just lying around? Not me!

The wet, running-around-all-day nature of Wet 'n' Wild meant I didn't get any pictures of that day, but here are a few highlights of Sea World for your enjoyment!

Arial view of the shark pool - just gorgeous!

Penguins - totally cute, but motherf'n stinky!!

Nicole and I with our 3D glasses!

The only decent dolphin shot I got - it's hard to get one of them coming out of the water rather than going in!

Me and the PowerPuff girls! The highlight of my day!

I have some awesome pictures of the polar bears too, but my camera battery died before I could copy them. I also have GREAT video footage of the polar bears play fighting, but I can't put it on YouTube cos the file size is too big. Does anyone know how to resize videos?! Anyone? IT ninja's, I'm lookin' at you!

At the end of the day we were passing one of the dolphin pools and we stopped to look over the edge and see if anyone would come say hello... luckily enough, two of them came around and started playing with us, swimming around and jumping and waving and stuff. It was great! We were so close I could almost touch them. I never realised they were so BIG! They weigh over 200kgs! Crazy.

One thing I was paying close attention to over the weekend was other girls and their bodies and body image. As my best friend has model measurements, and my two roommates are size 6's, I've always sort of had this idea in my head that most girls have perfect bodies and those who are overweight, or have flabby stomachs, or cellulite on their legs are the exception... And I noticed more and more over the weekend that it's quite the opposite. Girls with perfect bodies are the exception. Most of us have bits we're not happy with, and things we try and cover up. Even girls who I would say are stunning with clothes on can have all sorts of imperfections in a bikini. This realisation made me feel a whole lot better about myself. We're all in this together! We all look at girls in magazines and wish we had bodies like theirs... And even though I like what I see in models a lot of the time, it's still not what I aspire to. I know I'll never look like a model and I think I'd look wrong with a model figure. I see a girl who's a healthy size 12 and think "She's gorgeous, that's the sort of body I aspire to" and previously I wouldn't have ever thought that size 12 girl would want anything other than what she's got, but I realise that's quite possible.

I know that's all ramblings - I can't seem to make sense of what I'm thinking - but I guess my point is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To me, there are so many girls I see whose figures I admire and aspire to, but those girls are probably admiring and aspiring to someone else's bodies. It seems crazy! Is anyone ever happy with their figures in this society? Will I ever be?

I know when I was at 86kgs I wasn't happy with my body at all - I still thought I was way too fat, and there were flabby bits in all the wrong places.. But now, I would kill to be that size again. I can look back and realise I had a gorgeous body back then! It wasn't perfect, and yes it was still 10kgs higher than the healthy weight range, but I looked good!! Will I still be unsatisfied with my body at goal weight? Who knows. Maybe this time around I'll have more perspective, though...

Why I'd suck at speed dating

2007-02-14T23:07:00.000+10:00

This is a post for the sake of posting... seeing as it's been 10 days since my last!

Another valentines day survived. Today was actually more pleasant than some in the past seeing as I didn't come across anyone with roses or stuffed toys and I saw hardly any canoodling couples. So there wasn't too much self hatred going on!

I was thinking about it today, and I have never recieved any sort of valentine - not even a gesture or any verbal well-wishing. It made me quite sad and lonely in my teenage years, but I'm far less worried about it now. I'm one of those cynical types who hate valentines day because they're obviously not interesting or attractive enough to be someone's valentine.

When considering the above, keep in mind that I was in a serious* relationship for two valentines days in a row - and still nothing! Hmph.

But I wont say anything more on the topic - cos the only thing worse than valentines day itself is people who complain about how they hate valentines day.

***

When reading about Phil's plans for speed dating this weekend, I got to thinking about how I'd do in a situation like that.

I. Would. Freak. Out.

If there's one thing I know for sure about myself it's that I'm terrible in "one on one" situations. And it's not just with potential love interests (although those situations may be slightly worse), it's with anyone!! I am hopeless at small talk, I can't tell stories to save my life, I have no interesting conversation topics. I'm boring and uninteresting. BUT, I am a great listener! If you're a big talker, we'll have a great ol' time, cos I'm the best at listening.

Group situations are far far better. In a group of three or more I can be the life of the party! I'll tell stories and crack jokes and join in conversations whole heartedly - it's got to be something to do with the lack of pressure. i.e If I'm not talking, someone else is bound to be, there's less chance for akward silences and more brains to come up with interesting banter.

I'm even bad with my close friends in "one-on-one"s. Today I went to the movies with my roomie and great pal Kathleen, and we barely said a word to each other the entire time...

I'll never be one for idle talk. If I've got something to say, I'll say it, but I'll never talk for the sake of talking - and when I'm in social situations where I'm forced to talk to someone, I feel pressured and akward and uncomfortable.

That is why I'd suck at speed dating.

And it's probably why I'm too quick to jump in and start making out with boys I meet in clubs/pubs/bars. If we're kissing we can't be talking, can we!?

And, in all honesty, it's probably the reason**I sleep with boys quicker than society deems I should - it's a real ice breaker and makes you instantly more comfortable and at ease in each others presence.

But then that rarely leads to a meaningful relationship anyway, so where does that get me in the end?

Hmmm.

* Serious in the sense that we lived in each other's pockets.. In hindsight, my feelings for him were never particularly serious
** well, one of the reasons, anyway

5 interesting crazy things about me

2007-02-05T19:45:00.000+10:00

Ok, so I've been tagged! I spent a bit of time today thinking about this meme, mostly thinking that I don't have anything very interesting to say, but here goes:

1. I'm very pedantic about household chores. Not so much about the frequency that they get done, but more so the way in which they're done. For example, when washing the dishes I have to organise everything first to the right of the sink. Everything gets rinsed thoroughly and the cutlery gets stacked into a saucepan/jug/bowl full of hot water. I start with glasses first, then bowls, then plates, then Tupperware, then cutlery and lastly any pots and pans. And everything must be rinsed between washing up and stacking. All dishes must air-dry. There's no messy fibres from gross tea towels on MY dishes! I know my room mates don't follow this same procedure, so I can't be in the kitchen if they're washing up. It waaaaaaaay gets on my nerves.
I'm also very picky about the way my clothes are hung on the line. If anyone is so ~~annoying~~ kind as to hang my clothes out for me, they NEVER do it right, and I have to go back and re-hang them.
There are similar hang ups involved in bathroom cleaning too, but I wont bore you with any more details.

2. I have a fascination with public/other people's bathrooms. This was more of an obsession when I was younger, but I'm yet to fully out-grow it. As a kid I would have to go to the bathroom wherever we went, just to "check it out" - even if I didn't need to go! My family cottoned on to this little quirk and used to tease me about it to no end. I would often spend a good 10 mins in the church bathroom every Sunday, just "hanging" (but that was more to do with the fact that I found church incredibly boring). Once, when I was about 9, I was riding my bike around my neighbourhood and I felt nature calling, so I stopped at a neighbour's house (quite literally about 4 houses down from mine) and asked if I could use their toilet. The woman was confused and maybe a little shocked but she let me use it! I realise later that she probably recognised me as being a kid from her street and was probably wondering why the hell I didn't just go home to use the toilet!!

3. My best friends in life have always been named Kate or Katherine or some other variation. This, I'm sure, is purely coincidental, but I think it's damn strange!! There's been Kate, Katherine, Cate, Kathryn and Kathleen (in order of when we met :p). I've also always been friends with skinny people. I have never in my life had an overweight friend!! I wonder if that was subconsciously intentional?

4. I had my first kiss at 16. But it was actually a week before my 17th birthday. In my early teens this distressed me to no end as just about everyone in existence had kissed someone!! So to make up for my true lack of experience, I would make up boyfriends/random boys I had kissed. To my school friends, it was a boy I knew at my Teen Theatre group. To my theatre friends, it was boys at school. To my new friends when I moved cities and changed schools it was my old boyfriend who I'd left behind. These stories were also accompanied by love notes, photos and elaborate romantic tales. The boy I ended up kissing didn't know he was my first.. but in hindsight, it was probably fairly obvious!
Once I'd lifted the lid on that barrel of monkeys, though, there was no stopping me! I've had many a random pash - so many that I haven't kept track. In fact, there was even one night out with the girls where we planned to kiss one boy for each letter of our names. That resulted in my walking up to randoms saying -"What's your name?" -"Jason" -"Wanna pash?"; and then consequently boasting to my friends "I'm sooo kicking your ass! I've kissed 4 J's, 3 A's and 2 C's! Beat that!".

5. I love real-life-in-your-letter-box mail. And I'm not just talking about handwritten letters and birthday cards. I'm talking bills, advertising, junk mail, bank statements - anything! Checking the letter box is the highlight of my day and I take great delight in sitting down on the couch with a big ice-cold drink and poring over that day's delivery. I'll sign up for a sample of super-fantastic anti-balding cream if it means a visit from the postie! I also love other people's mail. If you're stupid enough not to change your address when you move then I'm reading your mail, bucko! Hmmm, that may be illegal. In which case, you read nothing.

Sealed Section

2007-01-30T18:38:00.000+10:00

I think Airlie is right - I do need a sealed section!! There is quite a bit of stuff that happens in my life which I'd like to blog about but I feel restricted because I'm so open about my identity and there's a chance that someone I know reads this...

I have a lot of secrets. And I'm not the sort of person who likes keeping secrets! So maybe, just maybe, I'll start another blog somewhere out in the blogosphere where I'll remain anonymous and tell all of my sordid stories.

Saturday night is definitely a story that will remain a secret. I know it's mean of me to tease y'all like that, but I just can't bring myself to write about it! It's like there are two sides to me - one's a "nice girl" who's polite and does the 'right' thing, and the other side is pretty wild and will give just about anything a go!! It was that second side that came out on Saturday.

While we're on the topic, I will spill one secret which I've been dying to tell someone just to get it out of my system. *Shudder* I accidently saw my room mate's boyfriend naked yesterday! Aaaaaaargh! I walked out of my room, and her bedroom door was slightly ajar, and I got a glimpse of him lying fully naked on her bed. I feel so freaked out!! I'm in no way a prude, but it's weird when it's someone you're in no way attracted to, especially someone you see every day... Argh! All I can say is he's in desperate need of a trim 'down there' hahaha

LBD 'n other things

2007-01-29T11:52:00.000+10:00

I've worn my LBD twice since its purchase on Wednesday but I didn't take a full length picture either time! So this morning (because y'all asked for it!) I got out my digitali and tried to take some pics using the self timer function... The results were horrible, but I'm bravely posting a few to give you a bit of an idea. Try and ignore the bad quality and various fat rolls you might encounter!

When I wear it again, I'll get someone to take some full length shots.. some nice ones. Anyway, the pics don't do it justice - but it's really flattering and I feel great in it!

So the first occasion I wore the dress was Thursday night - dinner at a friend's house. Not much to tell about the night - it was pleasant! But here are a few pics from then...

Bestie and me... notice the tape under her chin? She's gotta wear it for 2 months!

The second occasion was my date with boy #3 on Saturday night! I wont give details of the night, but I will say it involved something illegal, something taboo and something delicious! And it was a lot of fun :)

Incase you're wondering (as most of my friends are!) boy #3 and I aren't a couple, but we see each other a fair bit. We get along great and are very comfortable with each other, but neither of us want a relationship. I love love love being single! And there are so many reasons why I wouldn't want him as a boyfriend. We're both quite happy for each other to see other people if we wanted to, we just get together to hang out and have fun. S'all good!

Ok kids, I'd best be off. Gotta finish my resume! School starts this week, so I'm sure OSHC jobs will be filling fast!

Hunter and gatherer

2007-01-25T00:34:00.000+10:00

Ok, so looks like most people favour their partner over their best friend. I'm probably just jealous! If I had a partner I'd probably do the same thing... all I could think about was in 10 years time when we're reminiscing about this incident over a glass of wine, it would be nice if we could have been in it together. Instead, it'll just become an "ex-boyfriend" memory.

And while I'm on the topic of feedback from readers... some people got a bit narky over my "Lose vs. Loose" remark back in my rant the other night!! Oops. Didn't want to offend anyone. But I was in 'rant mode' after all, and I figure that gives you a licence to say whatever the hell you're thinking. At least I'm "expressing myself". I happen to think spelling and grammar are very important. I'm willing to let 'typos' slide, but when it's a reoccurring mistake, I've just gotta say something! Must be the teacher in me.

I bought a simple yet sexy Little Black Dress today. I wont tell you where from, cos that part is kinda embarrassing (and you wont tell either, will you Deb?? hehe). Lets just say I'm surprised the thing actually fits me! Cos normally I wouldn't walk into such a shop. But I'm quite chuffed with it, cos it's the sort of dress I'll get a lot of wear out of - and I'm all for good value when it comes to clothes!!

Met up with Deb for a late lunch. She's such a delight to be around, but I have to say I felt like a total dork the whole time. Everything I said came out wrong, I just couldn't express myself well today! Must have been nerves still :p You make me nervous, Deb!

And at work this arvo, I happened to bump into a certain IT Ninja. At first I was a little taken aback because he was dressed like an office dude, but then I realised he must have changed out of his Ninja outfit before he left work... you know, secret identities and all that. He must have been on his way to an IT emergency though, cos he certainly didn't stop to chat!

In other news, I scored about 9 near new books from the Lifeline booksale today for $23. Nine books for $23! Are you jealous? That includes 2 Bryce Courtenay and 3 Anita Shreve. I'm the ultimate bargain shopper.

S'all. I'm out.

Emergency

2007-01-21T23:21:00.000+10:00

Whilst lounging in the pool by the riverside with my Bestie yesterday, we made vague plans to meet for drinks in the valley later that night after I'd finished work.

I'd been feeling a little out of place with Bestie lately, like we weren't 100% right, but we've been through patches like that before and it's always passed. I guess when you're that close with someone there are times when you kinda get a little "over" each other, or something. I don't know.

Anyway, I finished work late and I was showered and ready to go out by 1am. I sent Bestie a txt to let her know I was coming then drove my scooter into the val and parked at her apartments. As I was walking up the street I called her to see where she was and she answered the phone in tears, saying she'd fallen over and hurt herself and the boys (her boyfriend and brother) had taken her home.

So I turned around and headed back up to her apartment where I found her sitting in her pyjamas drinking beer and eating pizza with band aids on her chin and hands. She told me she was crossing the street outside Press Club and she tripped over and fell face first into the bitumen. Apparently she had chipped her teeth and had accidentally swallowed the broken bits! She said that when it happened everyone at Press and Empire pissed themselves laughing and no one other than her boys had come to her aid!! I was quite shocked at that. Because it sounded like she fell pretty hard.

So we were chatting for a while, and she kept mentioning that her chin really hurt, so eventually I asked if I could take a look at it.. so I peeled off the band aid, took one look at the enormous gaping hole in her chin and calmly said "Sweetheart, you need stitches. Let's go to the hospital".

The crazy part about it was that her boy didn't think it was serious. "Chuck on a band aid, she'll be right!". And when I suggested that we take her to the emergency room he was very reluctant. He didn't think it was necessary. The nurse at the hospital begged to differ, however, as he said straight away "you definitely need a suture". So I was right. As usual!

So we waited at the emergency room for hours.. as was expected. And when she was finally called in, she went in alone even though I desperately wanted to be there with her for moral support. In my opinion, these are the times when you need your best friend with you!! I felt just awful sitting out in the waiting room knowing she was in there getting needles stuck in her face.

She emerged an hour later to let us know she hadn't been attended to yet - that she had been transferred to another waiting room and was in there doing nothing! I suggested that one of us might go in with her to keep her company and she knew I wanted to go. She looked at me reluctantly and said "Do you want to come in with me?" to which I replied "Yeah, I do... but if you'd rather take [boyfriend] then that's ok". A big grin came across her face and she looked at him and said in that lovely dovey voice that couples use "Will you come with me?".

At the time, I thought "Ok, that's fine, whatever", but the more I thought about it, the more offended I was. In a time like this (if my mum wasn't an option) I would want no one else in the world with me other than my best friend. I know she loves her boyfriend and wants to be with him but I just think that best friend comes first!! I'm the one who has always been here for her and will always be here for her, long after the boy is gone. She should remember that!!

He wasn't even that worried about her! He didn't think she needed stitches! I was the one who was concerned, I was the one who was looking after her and attending to her needs. And then she just blew me off for him.

I've been thinking about it since and I think she probably considers him her best friend at this point in time. Which is undeserved, I reckon! As much as I love him, he doesn't always treat her right and they often fight about things. I always treat her well! We never fight! But I do think that if she had to choose between the two of us, she would choose him. And that sucks.

In all honesty it's probably a self esteem issue on her behalf. It's her first serious relationship... she heavily depends on his affection to feel happy and worthy.. *shrugs* I don't know. I should stop trying to analyse things.

Anyway, after 4 and a half hours in the emergency department, she finally got 5 stitches in her chin and a tetanus shot! She's a little worse for ware, but I'm sure she'll be ok. I went home at 6am and slept all day until I had to get up for work! What a wasted Sunday.

stuff 'n whatever

2007-01-20T17:05:00.000+10:00

Pay no attention to my rant in the last post. I wasn't even in a bad mood, I just felt like complaining about somn'. Believe me, it took time to come up with that stuff... especially since I was slightly (read:heavily) intoxicated.

Today I hung out with my bestie and her boy at a friend's apartment in New Farm. He lives on the riverside and has an enormous pool and BBQ area! We lounged and drank beer and cooked sausages. It was very summery! The friend in question is a Pom with quite a heavy accent.. he drops the ends off words and uses Pommy slang so most of the time I don't have a clue what he's saying. But he's good fun. And he has a great pool! So he's our new best friend ;)

Last night was spent on a different friend's couch with some quality (cask) wine and a DVD. Which dvd? I hear you ask... well, only my new favourite movie of all time.... Suddenly 30! Oh man what a great movie. For two reasons:
1. The scene where everyone does the "Thriller" dance at the party. Classic! I must learn this dance so if the situation arises where I need to spice up the dance floor, I can pull out the MJ cd and bust a move - i.e. save the day.
2. The absolute drop dead deliciousness of the character "Matt". Oh. My. God. I am in love with that guy! I think the actors name is Mark Ruffalo or something similar. I looked him up on the internet and found a whole bunch o' ugly pics of him, but I swear in this movie he is the most attractive man alive. Every time he came on screen I quite literally swooned.

Cos you're all so special, I dug up a pic of him for you...

This picture no where near does justice to his on screen charisma! You must see the movie to understand. He's quite a boring actor, but sexy none the less.

Ok, did I have a point here?? I don't think I did...

I'm enrolled for a first aid course on Tuesday so as soon as that's done I'll send in my application for OSHC jobs. I've talked to my boss at Coldrock about it and he's fine.. I told him I'd stay at Coldrock for a while because he really needs me - I'm the oldest in the store now and almost the most experienced, so he needs me to be there to make sure things run smoothly and to supervise the younger kids 'n stuff. So I'm cool with that. For the time being. I really am over those weekend night shifts!! But the extra money should be good. We'll see.

In other news, I'm sick of being fat. ARGH! I changed my uni timetable around so I can go to my local WW meeting. I'm hesitant to go back but I know I have to. I freakin' have to! Freakin'.

rantalicious

2007-01-19T23:48:00.000+10:00

Ok.

this may or may not be a drunken post.

I have a few things to rant about... like how come some boys think they have the right to ignore you when they've "decided" they're just not that into you? What ever happened to the common courtesy of letting someone know??

And why does it always rain the day I plan to do my clothes washing??

Why do people lie to you and say they'll do things with you when they never really intend to do it in the first place, then at the last minute pull out and leave you hanging??

Why do I eat chocolate after chocolate and hot chip after hot chip when I KNOW I don't wanna be a fat girl anymore? Why do I look at girls who are bigger than me and think "that'll never be me" even though I abuse my body relentlessly??

Why don't I love myself enough to believe that someone's actually gonna dig me for who I am one day and not just for what I can do for them?

Oh and while I'm at it... since a lot of us are weight loss bloggers and the term "lose weight" comes up a lot.... it's spelt LOSE people, not LOOSE. Just a general grammar tip for everyone.

Ok now I need sleep.

it's as good as a holiday

2007-01-16T22:56:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling restless.

I've always sort of known about myself that I'm a person who likes change. Maybe that's because I've had so much change in the past 4 years of my life - different cities, different jobs, different houses, different friends, different uni courses... now if I stay too long in the same place I feel suffocated.

I really love my job - the majority of my social life revolves around that place. My boss is fantastic and there are certain perks.

My living arrangements are just great - I couldn't be closer to uni, it's central to everything, I live with good friends who are reliable and trustworthy, the rent is quite reasonable...

But I just. need. change.

There are so many reasons why I shouldn't move or change jobs, but I really want to! Ideally, I would love to live alone - to have everything set up the way I want it, to not have to clean other people's mess, to be able to shower with the door open and walk around in my underwear! But financially it's simply an impossibility.

A new job, however, is very do-able. And in some ways it's probably a really good idea!

1. I need more/better/more consistant hours. I am so over working Friday and Saturday nights, and I'd really love to know consistantly when and how much I'll be working in any given week.
2. I need to branch out and get more experience than just retail. I feel like I'm too old to be doing this job now. I need something either more mature, or more related to my career of choice.
3. If I want to go to Europe in '08 (which I definitely, definitely do) then I need to seriously start saving... so even two jobs would be awesome.

So I've done a little bit of thinking/googling and I've decided I'd really love to get into OSHC (Outside School Hours Care). It's geared towards what I'll eventually be doing (teaching) and it will give me invaluable experience. The hours are consistant, and hopefully I'd be able to work most days (how great would it be to do 3 hours each morning and be done by 9am?!). Plus, it would be great to have childcare experience under my belt for when I go to live in London (there's lots of work for Australian nannys!).

I guess the slight downfall to it is I may not get many hours per week... maybe 15 max? I'm just guessing here.. So maybe I could stay with Coldrock and work both jobs. Or, another job that interests me is working at a bottle shop! But mainly because I've been told they get paid really well.

Anyway, to apply for OSHC jobs I need a first aid certificate. So that's first on my list. I can enroll in one for the 23rd, and mum said she'd foot the bill, so that's my plan!! Now I've got to get busy putting my resume together... geez, last time I needed a resume I was 15! Things have surely changed!

Thanks to all my lurkers who chose to come out and comment last week! It's a shame a lot of you don't seem to have blogs though :( I was looking forward to some reciprocal lurking! Anyway, I'm glad you're here. Feel free to lurk all you like hehe.

In weight loss related news (even though my body doesn't seem to know what weight loss is these days) I'm loving swimming at the moment. I don't seem to have lost much in the way of fitness in the pool, so that's a bonus! I've been for runs and bikerides which has been great, but not often enough.. and I haven't been paying enough attention to what goes in my mouth either so it's no suprise I'm choosing to stay away from the scales for the time being.

I'm sure I'll get my mojo back eventually!

I'm jumping on the bandwagon

2007-01-13T20:52:00.000+10:00

Now come out of the woodwork!! Let me take a good look at ya.

Highlights

2007-01-06T15:48:00.000+10:00

So I had intended to do some sort of big "wrap up" post of my trip to Melbourne, but it's becoming less and less likely that's going to happen... I will tell you that I had a really fun time and by the end of it I was absolutely pining to stay longer. There were so many things I didn't get to do, so many people yet to see! But I suppose there's always next time...

The highlights of my trip were:

*Hanging out with my brother, seeing movies, playing Wii, listening to Tenacious D, visiting Krispy Kreme and watching every YouTube video we could find with Jack Black in it! Despite being absolute polar opposites we get along so well! If he weren't my brother I honestly think I would dislike him with a vengeance, but because we have that ol' blood bond thing going on we happen to be pretty good friends!

*Catching up with old high school buddies, watching Degrassi Junior High and The Office and slamming back multiple vodka shots within a seriously short period of time.

*Going to Cherry Bar on a Thursday night after christmas where they were having a James Brown tribute night. Oooooooh the dance moves we pulled!

*Having a bubble bath and watching my new Scrubs DVD's on Dad's portable DVD player. What a combination!

*Discovering a true partner in crime in Philippa. If the two of us were to live in the same state then WATCH OUT! haha

*Taking a road trip with Brooke and Phil to Bendigo to find that it's not the sleepy town I had imagined! What a cool place!

*Hearing Ails' incredible true ghost stories and feeling the energy in her haunted spherical home.

*Tasting the DIVINE berry mousse that Ails served up for desert. Oh. My. God. It was better than the orgasm truffle, believe me!

*Playing cards and trivial pursuit with the folks - pretty much our only family gathering that doesn't centre around TV or food. Heaps of fun, laughter and good conversation.

*Discovering (in a round about way) that I am well and truly over a certain someone from my past. What a weight off my shoulders!

*Eating Chinese food at the casino on NYE only to feel full to the brim only a few bites into it.

*Squashing into the back of Nat's car in Bendigo with Ails and Brooke and laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of it all!!

*And in general, feeling so loved by all my friends - my high school buddies always welcome me back with open arms after all these years. And the new friends I made this trip were so warm and genuine - I feel really blessed to have such beautiful people in my life!

Big "Full House" collective sigh, everybody!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh........

And now for a few choice photos...

Ails with her Koko Black champagne truffle. Mmmmm...

Above: Myself and Ails after a fairly rushed coffee (they were closing and practically kicking us out!!)
Below: Brooke and Ails with their caffeine of choice!

With some high school buddies after a considerable number of vodka shots!

An try-hard artistic shot of my feet! Don't look too closely at my manky toes.

Road Trip!! I think this was taken around the same time "5ive" were playing on the stereo...

Ails, Brooke and I on top of some mining look out thing in Bendigo. Great view!

The worlds most expensive ice cream! But pretty damn delicious to boot.

I plan to head back fairly soon (granted Mum will foot the bill) so I can hang out with Phil a bit more before she heads off overseas never to be seen again!!

I've come home with some bitchin' new Asics running shoes so I'm keen to hit the pavement and start some lard busting again! In fact, I did so yesterday and it felt great! So I think I'll bid you all adieu and get out there again.

Ciao!

New familiar friends :)

2006-12-23T22:55:00.000+10:00

Ooooooooh how I wish I brought my camera cord!!

I have so many awesome photos to share! But as it is, you'll have to wait until my return home. For now, you'll have to visit Ails and Phil for photographic commentry of the following...

So as I'm sure you've already read, I met Philippa last Wednesday! Now as I'm sure you're all well aware, Phil is an internet celebrity, at least in the weightloss blogging world! Everyone reads her, everyone loves her and everyone feels like they know her! So I guess that explains why I was slightly nervous with the anticipation of meeting my long time inspiration...

And I guess I had created this image of Philippa in my head from reading her blog. I couldn't really say what I expected her to be, but I can say that after meeting her, my image had totally changed. Not for better or worse - she was just her lovely self, and all those little things that you don't get to see over the internet - the way someone walks, talks, laughs, listens, holds themselves etc - were a joy to discover. So in that way, meeting her was so new and yet so familiar both at once! Which was a nice feeling :)

It really wasn't long after we met on the corner under the meat sign (hehe) that we were comfortable with each other and discussing life and love. I really enjoyed hearing Phil's stories, especially the way she tells them, and I equally enjoyed telling her mine. It was as though we'd always been friends, the way we comfortably discussed private details of our lives.

And let me tell you - the trawling game is so much fun! I've never been the type of girl that particularly notices boys in public, but once I'd switched my radar on there was no stopping me! It's amazing how many delectable male specimens there are out there if you take the time to perve! Phil was much quicker on the uptake, so by the time we left the night markets she was a few up on me... but I made up ground at Ruebar. My goodness there were some fine young examples of manhood out that night!! They defintely knew I was coming ;)

And I totally won! But I only just scraped in.. I think my downfall in the trawling game is not pointing them out too well when I spot them. I'll try to be more on the ball next time, girls!

So all in all, I just love this girl. When you talk to her you know she has so much depth and intelligence, and when you watch her you see that she carries herself with such grace and modesty. And on the other hand she's wild and playful and spontaneous - a girl I can defintely party with! In fact, that's what I love about her the most - you can go from deep and meaningfuls to talk about creaming her seat in just over an hour hahahahaha! What a gem.

She's my kinda girl ;) Here's to new friends!

And speaking of new friends, today I had the pleasure of meeting with Ails and Brooke - two absolutely gorgeous women! I swear, how did so many kick-arse people end up in one little online community?! And how come I seem to have met them all?! There was never an akward moment with these girls - we were old friends from the get go. They're both stunningly beautiful (photographic evidence soon to come over at heavy purring!) and such fun to chat/gossip/trawl with.

We decided to boycott the lawn bowls because of the weather (which didn't end up being so bad) so we met up at Groove Train in Melbourne Central where we couldn't focus on a menu for all the chatting, much to the waiter's dismay! Eventually we made the all important decisions, though, and ended up with some really delicious food. I'm totally eating there again! Full marks.

After lunch we did a bit of shopping and decided to kick start some trawling... Turns out I was the only one keeping count, though, so I end up looking like the tramp of the afternoon! haha. I officially ended it at 30, but I have to admit, my mental calculations continued and by the time I got home it had crept up to 38 ;) What a hussy!

We had particular fun watching one crumpet meet up on (what we labelled as) a blind date, and making commentry on their body language while trying to decide their entire life histories before that moment hehe. I tell ya, though - we didn't know the meaning of subtlety! I think at one point we even squeeled in unison quite loudly!

So we indulged in one Koko Black each thanks to a generous Ails (Brooke and I were previously KokoVirgins!) and it was worth every morsel. Delish! We also spied on Krispy Kreme for a moment but our self control was too almighty for its gravitational pull! Either that, or the line was too long...

Once again, I'm so happy to have made two new awesome friends! I just loved these girls - so bubbly and friendly (apart from one hilariously snide remark from Brooke which caught me a little off guard and made me giggle heehee). They're defintely keepers. Thanks for such an awesome day girls!

I'm sure Ails will post tomorrow with more details and more entertainment and defintely more (?) photos! So make sure you check her out :)

The rest of my trip so far pales in comparison to these two events ;) But I'll keep you updated if anything else exciting happens hehe

Merry Christmas everyone!

Greetings from Antarctica!... I mean, Melbourne!

2006-12-20T09:00:00.000+10:00

Ok, this is going to be a very quick post!

The dazzling city of Melbourne was lucky enough to be graced with my presence early yesterday morning (and I mean EARLY!). The thing I had forgotten about this place is that even when it's hot it's cold! Step into the shade and you're wishing you'd brought your eskimo suit! Ok, so maybe that's just me and my acclimatised QLD skin... But it's summer for goodness sake! Bring out the sweltering heat!

Had a fairly boring day yesterday which basically consisted of sleeping and playing Wii Sports (woo! I am boxing CHAMPION!) and then last night my family and I went out to dinner as a belated birthday celebration. T'was quite nice :)

Stayed up a little too late talking to who will now be officially known as boy #4.. Haven't met him in person yet, but he wants me to go camping with him in early January. And I've kinda agreed! I'm a closet camping enthusiast and have thus far had no one to share such a passion with, so I've always wanted to meet a boy who likes camping... Anyway, we're going to meet before we go to make sure we actually like each other 'n' stuff.. and there are other people going too! So it's not completely scary... You're all going to talk me out of this, aren't you?

So today I'm heading to Vegie Bar on Brunswick St for lunch with some old high school buddies - caaaaaan't wait :) They're such fun people - these are namely the two friends I caught the bus/train with to and from school every day for three years - there's nothing like a public transport bond! And nothing like a smooth connection! (Ok. private joke. that was lame!)

Then tonight I'm meeting Philippa! I'm so excited.. and nervous... I was chatting to her last night and we agreed that it's like a blind date! But hey - neither of us are strangers to those these days ;) We're meeting at the Vic Markets for a bit of a wander 'round then we're heading out to Phil's neighbourhood where hopefully we'll meet up with Brooke for a drink or two! It's going to be fun.
Wow, so many blogger meets in such a short period of time! I didn't bring my cord for my digital camera so I may not be able to post any photos until my return to BrisVegas but I'll definitely be back to tell y'all about the funness.

Btw, I can't be arsed with linkage - if you wanna read Phil or Brooke just search my Blogroll like a normal person :p

Birthday recap!

2006-12-17T12:18:00.000+10:00

Well 22 certainly kinged 21 in terms of birthday celebrations! I can pretty much sum up the day in one word - CAKE.
Ok, maybe that's a slight exageration, but the was a lot of cake...

The day started at 8am when I was awoken with a tray of cupcakes from my friend Emma-Lee.

Super cute!

Moments later Kathleen came into my room with a brand spankin' new Regina Spektor CD for me! So we put it on and lay in bed eating cupcakes for a few hours :)

When we couldn't face any more cupcake-y goodness, we decided to get active and walk to the shops!.... to buy maple syrup so we could make pancakes ;) So on our way to the shops we had a play in the park, visited the petshop, grabbed a coffee, hired Scrubs season 3 and promised to climb a tree on our way home... such tree climbing adventures never eventuated, however - quite disappointing!

So after we managed to squeeze in one measly pancake (we were still pretty full from an earlier cupcake incident) we settled in to watch a few solid hours of Scrubs. I challenge you to come up with a better way to spend your birthday!

When 4 o'clock rolled around I found myself at the Plough Inn (one missed bus and an $18 taxi fare later!) wandering around outside desperately looking for someone I recognised.. seeing as I had no idea what anyone looked like (with the exception of a few fleeting shots of D'Jen) I found myself sitting hesitantly next to what looked like a homeless man who I figured could have been Adam (hey, he was sitting right in our meeting spot!).

Eventually I sent Jen a txt and she came out to retrieve me and my poor lost soul. She then went on to corrupt me by introducing me to the refreshing and unassuming yet surprisingly potent Pimms! Jen, of course, didn't stick to the Pimms for long and soon moved on to the Long Island Ice Tea's. You're so deleted, you alco ;)

The whole experience was a little surreal to be honest! Meeting people for the first time who know all these things about you and your life... weird! Especially with all my boy talk lately.. I was slightly embarassed that these strangers knew details about my love/sex life! But I suppose that's what you get when you put your life out there on the internet...

What a great bunch of kids, though - When you put a bunch of people who write amusing, interesting blogs in a room there's bound to be a whole lotta entertainment! Adam and Natalie were especially amusing.

Adam's exactly as I expected him to be (only without the shaggy hair ;) ) Here's my favourite picture of the night! Pictures speak a thousand words and I think this one pretty much sums up the enigma that is Adam:

Of course it was awesome to see Deb again! And she brought along the lovely Jade who I'd never encountered before but who has been reading my blog for a long time! She's a lurker! That's just crazy, who would read this drivel? Makes me wonder how many other people out there read but don't comment. If you're one of those people leave me a comment today to say hi!!!! :)

Me, Deb and Jade

I had a nice pic of me and D'Jen but I've been forbidden to post it :p Jen was the surprise of the night, I think! She was so gentle and unassuming whereas I think I had expected her to be a little more forthright. What a gorgeous girl, though :) I wish I'd had more of a chance to chat with her..

I loved meeting everyone else! Sorry I didn't get much chance to chat with all you guys.. it was fairly rushed for me - I had a b'day dinner to get to! I just wanna say thanks to Jade for the lift home and thanks to Adam for the sickly sweet beverage you purchased me! I think I forgot to actually thank you at the time ;) It was disgustingly delectable.

So then it was off home to change into my party dress and head out to dinner! Everyone was running late - I'd made the reservation at 8pm and only one person was there on time. Everyone else turned up at 8.30pm! Jen I think you'll relate when I say that kinda pissed me off... It's just so rude to be that late to a dinner invitation in my opinion!! That's so not on. Anyway, once everyone arrived we had fun. The food was awesome and the company was great. I was given MORE cupcakes from my friend Zoe! This time they were these amazing gourmet cupcakes of all different varieties.. I wish I had taken a photo! There were pistachio, rasberry, hazelnut, malteaser and something else.. they were pretty awesome! We didn't eat them - Zoe took them home for me (she's underage and couldn't come out!) and I'll pick them up some time today.

Just some poser pics of me before we went out...

Some of the girls after dinner
Zoe, Kathleen, Kat and Emma-Lee

So after dinner we headed to Press Club and got stuck into the cocktails! And this is where the memory starts to get blurry... hehe. All I know is I ended up canoodling with a redhead boy named Aiden who was the most amazing kisser ever!! He had the whole systen down pat. 10/10 to you, Aids! My bestfriend Kat was drunk and flirtatious but her boyfriend had gone home so she wanted someone to kiss... and that someone ended up being me haha. So we made out at one point, much to the excitement of the boys at our table. Trust me, there's nothing lesbian about it - it was purely platonic pashing! hahahaha

Aiden ended up coming back to my place to crash (don't get any ideas, there was no funny business - all clothes remained on and we went to sleep straight away!) But in the morning as we were lying there cuddling all I could think was that I wished I was with boy #3. Is that bad?? It's been almost a week since I've seen him and I miss him... Hmmmmmmmmmmm I hope I'm not getting too in deep here.

I managed to convince #3 to drive me to the airport on Tuesday morning, but I had to sacrifice my monday night shift so we could have dinner together.. Am looking forward to spending some time with him. I think I'm going to miss him when I'm in Melbourne! Argh, I am getting too invloved, here...

so now that I've well and truely established/reinforced my promiscuous status (Hi mum & dad!), it's time to wrap things up! Oh, and there was one more cake I forgot to mention.. Kathleen made it for me while I was at the bloggers meetup

full of chocolatey-marshmallow goodness

The decorations crack me up! I LOVE IT. It's still sitting in the fridge untouched.. I think I'll give it a go this arvo ;)

PEACE OUT (or some other random sign off)

Doctor's orders

2006-12-13T10:26:00.000+10:00

I've been "off track" for a while now... the last few weeks have been the absolute worst since way back before I started ww last year. Up until now I've still been doing a really healthy weekly grocery shop and cooking good meals etc. Last week I bought donuts, drumstick ice-creams and peanut butter in my shopping. Uuuhhhhh... I'm paying for it in every way - my face has broken out for the first time in forever, I feel so bloated and lethargic. I haven't eaten vegetables in about a week. GROSS. No more of this! I'm getting my shit back together.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine visit and she checked my blood pressure - apparently it's on the high side of normal. She suggested that if I lose some weight it would rectify the situation... so I had a bit of a sob to her about my weight loss in the past and my gradual self destruction this year and she was very supportive. I asked her too about a breast reduction and she said I'd definitely be a candidate but that no plastic surgeon would perform the operation unless I got to a healthy weight. Which is what I knew and expected and wanted anyway, but it's good to have the confirmation that once I get to goal I will be able to have the surgery without any major out of pocket expense. And I really want that surgery..

When I first gained back this weight I felt so shit for so long but I think lately I've become more at ease with it - I'm more used to it. I've started buying clothes to fit me now rather than imagining I'll just fit back into my old ones soon enough. I've completely given up on myself. The doctor asked me if I had set a date of when I was going to get back into weight loss, and I had to admit that I haven't. I just keep thinking I'll do it eventually, but I'm not making any specific plans.

I feel, though, that setting a "date" is a little silly. I should just go day by day and try to make small changes to gradually build back up to the ultimate healthy lifestyle I was living a year ago.

I can feel my body screaming for it. It desperately wants to be healthy again. It's about time I listened to it and got my arse into gear.

I remember this time last year I believed I would be in the 60's by now. I'm a whole 30kgs heavier than that!! Jesus fucking christ.

So, in other news I'm seeing #3 fairly regularly at the moment. It's become a routine of me going to his house and spending the night and we go out to breakfast in the morning. We're having lots of fun. I think it's pretty much exactly the situation I was looking for without knowing it... intimacy, good conversation, hugs & kisses, hanging out with drinks and dvds... it's like having a boyfriend without the committment and effort of haivng a boyfriend hehe. I've taken my profile off the site, though - completely over every other guy who has contacted me. There's so many weirdos.

3 days til my birthday! And 3 days til our Brissy blogger's meet up! Saturday will be FUN :)

Date #3 with boy #3

2006-12-07T19:17:00.000+10:00

Not that you could call it a date, really...

So #3 called me at 9pm on Tuesday night and asked if I wanted to "come over". I was actually pretty bored and was hoping for something to do that night, so I agreed.

Yes, yes, I know... a boy who calls at 9pm asking you to "come over" is looking for a shag. I should say straight away that I'm fully aware #3 is not looking for a relationship. But that's ok - neither am I really! I know this guy is smooth as and a bit of a player, but it's not like I'm about to get my heart broken. I'm down, I've got the 411.

I was interested to find out more about this guy - I wanted to sketch his character - and hey, who turns down free massages?! The guy's a physio for gods sake - he knows what he's doing!

So we spent more time talking about everything other than ourselves - more TV show talk, more travel stories... I could tell he was more relaxed with me - less "switched on" than Sunday night - he was obviously pretty content that he didn't have to 'win me over' anymore.

God, am I really about to blog this?? I hope my parents don't read this...

So I spent the night. 'Nuff said. It was good, but the earth didn't move ;) I was determined, however, to have some conversation about ourselves. I started by having a go at him about not knowing anything about me. He sort of laughed and turned it into a game, by trying to guess what I was studying and where I worked... and then he asked a few standard questions about where I grew up and my family etc. I tried turning it around and asking him about himself and (here's where you're spot on, Adam!) he would give a flippant answer then change the subject! For example, I asked him about his family and he started telling me some random detailed story about a safari he went on with his brother. By the time the story was finished I'd forgotten that I was asking him questions.. clever tactic!! So point is - he knows the basics about me (enough to claim that he DOES know stuff about me) and I still know very little about him!

In the morning we ate toast and drank coffee and chatted some more. I've resigned to the fact that he's going to be elusive, and I don't really care anymore... I guess if we continue to see each other then such things will probably come out in conversation.

The conclusion is - he's funny and friendly and affectionate and respectful.. I feel comfortable with him, I enjoy his company... I'm not about to get myself emotionally involved, though. We'll keep it light, see what happens.. 'nuff said!

Oh and about boy #1 - a few people have said he "sounds promising" but I can assure you it's not haha. He's a great guy - like him a lot, but I can guarantee there's no relationship potential there. He's just fun to have around :) And he's hooooooottttt :)

by the way - the kissing radically improved! No more trying to eat my face! Woohoo! I guess my gentle guiding had an effect. Lucky, cos I wasn't looking forward to having to tell him he kissed like a 15 year old boy.

Blind date #2 with boy #3

2006-12-05T13:49:00.000+10:00

Ok, so I'd better blog about blind date number #2 before I forget it hehe

Mistake number 1: don't talk about the date with your co-workers all day - you'll build it up and make yourself nervous! I told one person at work on Sunday about my plans for the night and that led to each and every other person overhearing parts of the conversation and demanding to know details! So by the end of my shift everyone knew what was going on... and I would really have rather kept it quiet so it wasn't a 'big deal'.. oh well.

In all honesty, I'd talked to this guy a bit on msn and via messages, bit most of it was witty banter - I really knew nothing about him other than his age and profession (he's a physio - did I mention that?). So I didn't really know what to expect other than he was funny and confident. A thought which calmed me somewhat as I knew I wouldn't have the pressure of leading the conversation...

So #3 had been at a seminar all weekend and the idea was that he would drop his friend off at the airport and then pick me up on the way back and we'd go out for dinner. Apparently the traffic at the airport was pretty bad so he ended up being half an hour late - it was 8.30pm by the time he picked me up. The first thing I noticed was that he was short! And I was wearing heels so it only exaggerated the height difference! Normally that would really bother me, but because this guy oozed confidence it didn't really seem to matter so much...

The second thing I noticed was that #3 is pretty well off - I think his car was a Saab! Whatever it was it was small and sporty. Mistake number 2: a few alcoholic drinks plus a long sleeved shirt in summer = me becoming very flushed and sweaty - not a good look! (I'd had a drink or two to relax, it was all good!) I had to ask him to turn up the air con hehe. That was slightly embarrassing.

So the third thing I noticed was that #3 is pretty freakin' suave! He was talking/flirting away in the car, sporadically putting his hand on my hair/side of my face (which actually made me feel more comfortable?!), telling me all about this seminar he'd just been to. We were driving for a while when I finally asked where we were going. He said he had to go home first to change his shirt and shoes cos he was dressed too casually for dinner... I guess that slightly concerned me - I was thinking "jesus, I don't know anything about this guy and now he's taking me back to his house?!?" but I couldn't exactly say no. Plus I did feel reasonably comfortable with him... but that was probably all part of the master plan. More about that later :p

So we arrive at his house in St Lucia - it's practically a freakin' mansion! And he lives there alone plus has a home office. I could practically smell the cash. We go upstairs and he puts on a U2 DVD, pours us both a drink (frangelico on the rocks - how sophisticated!) and we sit on the couch and start chatting. I'm thinking "so are you changing, or what?" but didn't say anything... and here's where it gets interesting:

He starts to tell me about this TV show that he and his friends are producing. Apparently his friend who lives in Melbourne runs a very successful business in which he educates men who are clueless about women/dating/love. Kinda like that movie, Hitch! So he takes these 'clients' and teaches them what to say/how to act/how to dress etc in order to be successful in love. And so this TV show is going to be based on that premise - you can picture that, right?? Reality TV with a whole bunch of losers who will be transformed into these suave charismatic men by the end... *shrugs* yeah, it could work maybe - or it could be completely tacky! Who knows.

Anyway, as he's talking about this program, he's giving me a whole lot of examples - and all the one liners, all the things he'd said to me up until that point were included in these calculated examples of "how to attract women". Which on one hand is fair enough - those things work (being funny, not being needy, giving a girl options/freedom to be in control, gauging her body language, appearing masculine and confident etc) but part of me felt a little cheated. Like none of that was genuine - those things that I'd found attractive were all carefully planned tactics to ensure I'd be interested.

I can understand that it works, so use it - it's what women want, really - so why not be a master of that? But I guess an unrealistic fantasy world part of me wants everything he said to be genuine and unique to me. Hmmmm, maybe that is a fantasy world.

So back to the date. By this time we've been sitting here chatting (or more he's been talking and I've been listening) for a while now - it's probably about 10pm. And being a Sunday night (in Brisbane, no less) it's pretty much guaranteed to be too late for us to go to dinner. So he fixes us another drink and we watch a bit more U2, and he ends up giving me a foot massage... which leads to us making out on the couch... which started off well - I'll rate an 8/10 for the beginning but then only a 3/10 by the time it was getting more passionate. I mean, seriously - for a guy who appears to be so in tune to women's wants and needs he still has that idea that for a kiss to be more passionate you need to open your mouth wider and stick your tongue in further!!! WHAT IS WITH THAT MENTALITY?! This guy's 30 for god's sake! You think someone would have told him by now... So I got sick of the crap kissing after a while and asked him to take me home.

When I got home I realised we hadn't talked about ourselves at all. I still know nothing about him and he knows nothing about me!! What the?? How did that happen?

So I know that sounds like an absolute disaster date! But all in all it wasn't too bad. Whether it was all a tactic or not, he was funny and smart and charismatic. But I'm wary of getting sucked into all that.. it's very possible he's using me. However, I won't say no to a second date. I'll give it a second chance. He might actually take me OUT this time!! If we still don't talk about ourselves (i.e. if he still takes no interest in ME) then that will be the end of that...

In other news, boy #1 came over again last night.... Mmmmmmmmmmm :) God, I'm a little player, aren't I?

Boys #1, #2 and #3

2006-12-03T00:33:00.000+10:00

So you all seem to be quite interested in this blind date business... so I guess I'd better spill.

I may or may not have signed up for some form of online dating site.

I'm not telling which one :p.

T'is a secret ;)

Anyway, my profile seems to have generated a fair bit of interest. Probably about 90% of the guys who message me are not what I'm looking for, so it takes a while to sift through it all and find the interesting ones, but I'll tell you what I've found so far...

I signed up last Thursday, and that very night I met up with boy #1. Fast, I know!! What the? So not like me, and I was very hesitant, but he was insistant... anyway, I'm glad he was because we had a fabulous time and it was just what I needed. Wont go into too much detail about that one, though... it's kinda private :p

Boy #2 was yesterday's blind date. We had been chatting a bit on MSN and he seemed quite nice. We decided to meet at a little place in New Farm for a drink. I was super nervous because I'd seen pictures of him and he was incredibly good looking - I'd never talk to someone like him under any other circumstances, I just wouldn't have the confidence! Anyway, he'd seen pictures of me and he insisted that he liked 'curvy' girls (the way I chose to describe myself :p), so all seemed positive. I got one of my friends to drop me off and when we drove past we spotted him and it turns out my friend knows the guy vaguely from uni! So that became a beginning point for discussion when I finally went in to meet him. (Turns out he didn't know who she was, but that's irrelevant). Anyway, first thing I decided was the he wasn't as good looking in person as his photo suggested. Which for me was actually a relief. I relaxed immediately. We got a drink and found a nice corner to sit in and started to chat. It soon became evident that #2 was more nervous than I was! He just couldn't relax... we had very polite conversation about work/uni/music/movies and I just couldn't get him to let go and be comfortable, he kept giving a little nervous laugh and not looking me in the eye etc. From pretty early on he mentioned that he had 'a lot of uni work to do' and therefore needed an 'early night' and he mentioned this again probably about twice. He finished his beer long before I did, and as soon as I took my last mouthful he said "right, should we go?". So by this stage I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that he's not interested and he can't wait to get out of there... so we walk outside and he says "I'm parked this way" and leads the way... I was a little confused because we hadn't discussed him giving me a lift or whether we were going somewhere else or anything... so I just followed. When we got to the car he said "I'll take you home" so that pretty much confirmed my earlier thoughts. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything (at least not for me) because we had plenty of things to talk about, it was just too polite for my liking... but as soon as we got to my house I practically jumped out of the car and ran to my door. I went inside and had a big bitch to my roommates about how boring and weird the whole experience was!! (More so to cover the fact that I felt flat out rejected by him than anything else).

Anyway, today I was thinking about the whole thing and I decided I was confused about it -did he just not like me? Was I not attractive enough? Did I say something wrong? Did he like me only he was too nervous? Did he really just need an early night? Was he trying to be a gentleman? !?!?
So I sent him a text saying "Thanks for the drink.. I'm a little confused about last night to be honest - were you just not interested? If so just let me know :)" and he called me pretty much straight away... he basically said he had a really nice time and he was glad we met up and he apologised for being nervous. He said he really just wanted to make new friends and he hoped we could be friends.

Ok, no worries.. that's cool! I mean, from my perspective I thought he was good looking but I didn't find him particularly attractive and there was practically zero chemistry so I wasn't upset. In all honesty I can't even see us being friends... but that's unfair, I should give him a chance to show his true personality... ANYWAY, I don't know if we'll see each other again... but I'm guessing not. All in all it was just one big weird experience!

But hey - nothing ventured, nothing gained; you win some you lose some - all that tripe.

Ok, so now we move on to boy #3! He's a little older than I would normally go for (he's 30) but his profile was really witty and I was intrigued by the messages he sent me. So far we've exchanged a handful of messages and we've chatted on MSN for a while... this guy is FUNNY. And he's not in any way sleazy or overtly sexual like some of the guys are. He just seems down to earth and nice :) Pretty cute too, in an offbeat sort of way!! So I think we're going out on tomorrow night (Sunday). Not sure where yet (he joked about taking me to KFC hehe) but I'm sure whatever we end up doing it will be enjoyable. He seems really confident and charasmatic. Just the way I like my men :) SO I guess we'll see what happens there...! The age difference might be a problem, but then again it might not. Only time will tell!

So I guess I'll have to promise to get back to you after blind date #2!

*P.S. any Melbourne readers, see last post!! :)

barefoot bowls and blind dates

2006-11-30T17:46:00.000+10:00

So what was with Brisbane's weather today?! I woke up at 10am to a dark room (which never happens when you have crappy blinds) and I looked outside to see that everything was bathed in an eery orange glow. The temperature had dropped considerably compared to yesterday's overwhelming humidity. It was one of the strangest things I've ever seen - it was like that minute or two at dusk when the sun is setting and everything's pink and orange, only lasted all morning and some of the afternoon. Weird!

Makes me start to believe some of this 'crazy weather' sensationalism that has been thrown around recently. There's definitely something odd going on in our universe.

So according to my countdown thinngy it's just over 2 weeks until I go to Melbourne! So I guess I should do something about organising some sort of Blogger's meetup. I think I have plans to meet up with Phil on Wednesday the 20th (because she leaves for Hobart on the 21st so it's our only opportunity), but other than that I have no specific plans. Should we organise dinner? lunch? on a weeknight? a weekend day? a weekend night? I don't really know.. I'd like to take into consideration Ails and Beck who would have to come down from Bendigo so I assume a weekend would be best for that? I think maybe a Saturday/Sunday afternoon with either some late lunch or a few drinks/tapas which might turn into a few drinks and some dancing.. who knows! :) I'm more than open to any suggestions from local Melbournians. It might sound like a crazy idea, but is there anywhere fairly central where we could do barefoot bowls?! It's heaps of fun and it's a great social thing to do.. I might look into that! Anyway, leave a comment or email me if you'd like to come or if you've got any good suggestions. I'm in town from December the 19th - January the 3rd.

The reason I suggested lawn bowls is because that's what we did for our work christmas party on Monday night!! It was sooo much fun. The beer was free (courtesy of our very generous boss) and flowing, the food was delish, and the bowling was unco but definitely a heap of fun! What a great way to spend an afternoon/evening! My friends and I will definitely be doing that again.

I'm going on a sort of blind date tomorrow night...! I've seen a picture. He's HAWT! Way too hot for me. But we'll see how things go...

I am not my hair

2006-11-23T16:16:00.000+10:00

I'm becoming a myspace nerd :p I spend too much time on there, but admittedly it's mainly because I like listening to my profile song haha. And some of my friends also have awesome profile songs so from time to time I go over and listen to theirs for a while...

My current song is "I am not my hair" by India Arie. I saw India Arie live at Bluesfest back around easter and at the time I'd never heard of her before. I was staking my prime position for David Gray later that night so there was no way I was going anywhere, so I stood mesmorised for her entire set just thinking wow, this woman is amazing. She has incredible stage presence, and while her style of music is not something I would usually listen to her lyrics are so powerful that you can't help but get wrapped up in them. I particularly love this song, I am not my hair... the chorus goes something like this:

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations, no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

If you want to listen to it, my myspace is here

So that chorus has been resonating with me lately.... I have no idea what I weigh at the moment but I'm certain I've gained back anything that I lost and probably more. I've been completely fucking around diet wise. And it's been reflecting in the way I feel. I feel incredibly self conscious... and I'm shit scared of going to Melbourne and seeing all these people who haven't seen me since I gained 14kgs. I just don't want them to see me like this. I feel enormous :(

But the lyrics to this song make me think twice. My friends are my friends because they love me for ME, not my body.
I am not my body.
I am my personality and my sense of humour and my intelligence and my emotion. What I look like is not the be all and end all. It doesn't change who I am! And I'm still fairly happy with who I am.

So there. I'm ok with me. This body isn't permenant. Who I am inside will never change!

we are awesome ;)

2006-11-18T11:48:00.000+10:00

I'm no newbie to meeting people from the internet... two of the most significant people in my life I've met online! And I'm not too ashamed of it hehe. I think the internet is an awesome way to make friends! So you'd think yesterday when I met Deb and Audrey I wouldn't have been too nervous...

I was, however. Nervous. ;)

And when I'm nervous I tend to talk about random things and the sentences I form just don't make sense! I get halfway through the sentence, realise I don't really know what I'm saying, forget the words I want to use, forget my entire point... hmmm, yeah. So I apologise for any stupid things I said yesterday, girls :p

I had an awesome time, though!!! Making new friends is so exciting :) Audrey was really lovely and easy to talk to, but she's from up north so it's unlikely we'll see each other again. Deb, however, I've been meaning to meet for about a year so it was such an awesome thing to finally see her! I instantly had a really good feeling about her when we first saw each other - she's got a really warm, friendly feeling about her - makes you feel comfortable. And this might sound weird, but I just thought she was so beautiful! Probably because I've seen the odd photo of her and had this image of what she looked like in my mind, and then to see her in the flesh - it was like, she did look how I imagined, only she was alive and animated and THERE hehe. And she was just gorgeous :)

Anyway, we all had a coffee and I think we were there for a little less than 3 hours so we had a pretty good chat... I didn't get much of an opportunity to talk with Deb one on one, but I'm pretty sure - I have a pretty good feeling - that we're so gonna be friends :) And that's kinda excting!

Woo! New friends! :)

In other news, I bought an iPod Nano the other day because I thought my old iPod Mini was broken - turns out it's not broken, it was just out of battery!! It was my wall charger which is broken!! So now I have two iPods. I've just listed my mini on ebay, so if you're interested in buying it you can check out the auction here.

I'm working a double shift today uuuhhh :( Lets hope I can stay away from the chocolates! Cross your fingers for me :p

what eating disorders are made of...

2006-11-12T02:09:00.000+10:00

I work in an ice-cream store.

I serve all sorts of people... fat people, skinny people, in-between people, confident people, shy people, greedy people, picky people...

I'm only human - I have my moments where I make judgements. If someone who is obese orders a 'take home' sized ice cream to eat on the spot I feel sorry for them and think to myself "Do you really need that much ice cream?". I know it's not my business and it's wrong of me to pass judgement, but I only ever keep my thoughts to myself.

What makes me so sad, though, is teenage girls - So so often I hear one girl say to another "Oh my god, you fat pig! I can't believe you're going to eat that!" or similar. This is the stuff eating disorders are made of. We all know what comments like that can do to a person's self esteem.

I know, for myself, when my friends make any comments on what I eat or how much I eat I just want to crawl into a hole and die. That's the main reason I don't tell many people about WW or trying to lose weight. Because in my experience it only makes people say "hmmmmm, should you be eating that?". How do they know if I should be eating it or not?! It could be the single indulgent thing I've eaten in weeks - I could have saved points or exercised heaps just to be indulging in that one moment - and why should that pleasure be taken away from me because someone else thinks I'm being a greedy pig?!

I just think it's sad that we live in such a judgemental world. I wish people could be just free to be themselves and do their own thing without others sticking their unwanted opinion in. If a young, healthy 15 year old girl wants to eat a big chocolatey ice-cream on a Saturday night, then why the hell can't she!? Why should she be made to feel bad for it?! Here's to freedom of choice!!

I also wanted to say I'm surprised and actually pretty disappointed to read about the Dove promotions over at D'jen's site.... read about it here if you're interested. Be sure to check out Deb's comment too... very insightful!

And in terms of an update for me personally - well I think I spoke too soon with the last post. My weight seems to have risen again, which makes me think I was just severely dehydrated last week. Hmph. Plus I've gone back to hating my curves. AAAARGH. :( I feel so crap.

Smiles

2006-11-07T11:37:00.000+10:00

Hmmm.. I haven't really been away for two and a half weeks, you're all just imagining it.

It's strange actually, in the past when I've gone off blogging it's because my lifestyle has gone haywire and I can't face talking about it in here. But this time I've actually been kicking arse, I just haven't felt the urge to blog!

Which is funny because - as I was telling Deb the other day - whatever I'm doing in every day life I have a running commentry in my head based on how I would blog about it in here!! For example, if I make a good food choice I think about how I'd tell you guys about it - or if I break a personally running record I do the same thing. Is that dumb?

I'm going to 'officially' step on the scales this morning, or maybe tomorrow morning, but from what I've been seeing this week my morning naked weigh in is 97.3kgs! WOOHOO! That's 2.5kgs lighter than 3 weeks ago. I suppose I should weigh in in the afternoon to make it even with my WW weigh in, though... might be more like 97.8kgs. But even that I'm happy with. The way I see it though, morning naked weigh in has got to be your 'real' weight. So I'm going by that!

So based on those figures, I've officially past my first mini goal! 10% of what I have to lose gone! Alriiiiight!

I was under points every day bar one this week. And my exercise has been pretty awesome. Like Sunday for example I was in the computer labs studying for a major exam I had yesterday (I kicked arse, by the way;)) and no one was around so I decided to get up and start walking around the room! Well the walking turned into jogging and before I knew it I'd done 20mins of jogging around in circles! It was only 20mins, yes but HEY I made the best out of my situation and got some exercise into my day! I was totally happy with that :)

Since writing my last post I've done another TWO all nighters at uni. One of which was actually 25 hours long!~! I swear never to do it to myself again uuuhhhh. Needless to say yesterday was a write off - I slept and watched Scrubs all day.

I know I've only lost a few kilos - nothing to jump up and down about - and certainly not enough to make a difference to what I see in the mirror - but I have to say, lately I've been feeling so happy with my body! I don't know what it is, but I look at my curves and feel so proud and sexy. What's with that? It's a nice change from feelings I was having a few weeks ago...

Plus I've had some 'issues' with two of my male friends in the past few days (unrelated, but similar situations) and I've completely come to the conclusion that I'm OVER IT. I'm just so done with them both! I'm not up for playing stupid games, I'm sick of being messed around, I'm SO HAPPY BY MYSELF I just don't need worries from anyone else - especially stupid boys that have stolen the last seven years from me.

I know that wont make sense to anyone else but I'm writing it down to make it official. What it all comes down to is I'm feeling INDEPENDENT, IN CONTROL, and HAPPY!

Woohoo!

So. Tired.

2006-10-20T15:34:00.000+10:00

I want to gouge my eyes out with forks.

Last night I did my first ever official 'all-nighter' at uni.

I've done what I've called all-nighter's before, but they've just been really late nights where I've crashed at 4am or something....

But last night, I was at uni from 3pm yesterday to 10am this morning. In that time I wrote 3000 wds, which when you think about that in terms of how many words per hour is actually pretty pitiful haha

Now, however, I've had 4 hours sleep and I'm still incredibly incredibly unbelieveably tired but I just can't sleep! And all I can think about is how I have to work at 6pm. And it'll be busy - super busy - and I think I'm going to pass out at the rock.

I haven't eaten anything today apart from 1/2 cup of yogurt, but last night I had some chocolate and energy drinks which I think were pretty high points values so I just don't know where I'm at with points at the moment. I think if I have some dinner and maybe one snack before then I'll probably even things out.

I desperately want to go for a walk, but I know I have to conserve my energy.

Must. Sleep.

At least the assignment from hell is finished! Now I've only got two more less-hellish assignments and 3 exams to go....

uuuuuhhhh....

kickin' arse

2006-10-18T22:54:00.000+10:00

It's a mircale! Blogger's going to let me post!

So first of all, clicks to me for two perfect days! And double clicks for avoiding ice cream and chocolates at work today. All I consumed during my 6 hour shift was: my chicken & rice lunch, 2 bananas, 1 mini m&m and 4 mini marshmallows. Think about that - 1 mini m&m... are you proud of me?

After work I went for an amazing walk/jog down Kangaroo point - it was amazing for two reasons. Firstly, it was an hour earlier than I usually go, which means the sun was just beginning to set over the city and that lighting made everything just gorgeous to look at and bask in. Secondly, I went so much further than my usual turn around point and discovered you can go right under the Story Bridge and 'round the other side, down the river where people moor their boats and live lavishly. I enjoyed it so so much! So much that I went over my allocated hour because I didn't want to turn around! So an 80 minute walk for me today - woohoo!

Tonight I made the most point friendly dinner - lamb curry with cous cous. Wanna know how to make it?
Thinly slice up some onion and brown it in a big saucepan with an assortment of spices - I used tumeric, cumin, paprika and curry powder. You can toss in a little garlic too, if you like. When it becomes fragrant (ie smells really good) throw in some diced lamb (or meat of your choice!) and brown that... Then, pour in two cans of diced tomatoes, some chunks of pumpkin and cauliflower (or potato or sweet potato.. or carrot.. whatever you like!) and 1/5 to 1 cup of beef stock (depending on how much you need to adequately cover your veges). Let that simmer for a while until the veges are cooked through and serve over 1/2 cup of cous cous prepared with boiling chicken stock. SO DELICIOUS! And based on 250g of meat and 1/2 cup of prepared cous cous you're looking at only 2.5pts per serve.

It was so good I went back for a little more... but hey, that's no problem when it's so points friendly!!

I'm so ready to lose weight I tell ya nothing's gonna get in my way :)

By the way.... I'm posting this while playing online sudoku and bidding on ebay items.... remember all that uni work I have to do?? Yeah.. I'm procrastinating.

Double by the way... did anyone watch House tonight? Trippy.... and what about Grey's Anatomy on Monday.... INCREDIBLE!! I wanna watch it again! But no, I'll go study instead...

I went back. FINALLY!

2006-10-16T22:48:00.000+10:00

Tonight I re-joined ww. I went to a different meeting, just so I could start afresh... I really like all the people at my old meeting, but because they know me I just couldn't face going back in there having gained so much. This new meeting is quite good so far, but I think I'll go back to my old meeting eventually - once I've lost a few kilos.

So I weighed in at 99.8kgs, and that's pre-menstrual and on a full bladder! I can tell you, it's such a relief to come in under 100kgs! I said I'd never go back there and officially I haven't - and I wont, because the only way is down from here!

I spent today doing a bit of an experiment with my home scales - I weighed in about a million times, just to see how much my weight changes depending on different elements - like how much I've eaten and when, wearing clothes and not wearing clothes, and going to the bathroom etc... I came to the conclusion that my scales are just whacked haha. I fluctuated between 99.8 - 100.9 and there was no real trend to it! Plus they said 100.3 when I walked out the door to go to my meeting, so I'll assume they're .5 heavier than the ww scales.

Going to the meeting was actually very refreshing! I'd forgotten how motivating they are - to sit in a room with 20 or so other people (on a good night hehe) who are all on the same journey as you are, all working towards the same outcome, all with similar problems and setbacks - it's really uplifting. Because I really do feel alone with this weight loss thing - so that support is special. I can't forget that!

I'm so glad I went back - such a good decision. So now it's time to start kicking butt again!!!! Nine weeks til I go to Melbourne (and til my birthday) so I'm going to give it everything I've got for those nine weeks. 100% effort.

I also have to give 100% effort to my studies... because I'm seriously running out of time!! 4 days til one huge assignment is due (haven't started that one...) 6 days until two more are due (haven't started one, only 1/4 way through the other) then another week until a HUGE exam (for a subject where I haven't been to any classes or lectures) and another 3 days until a massive french presentation (which I'm reaaaaaally going to struggle with) and then another 4 days until my french listening exam (the only thing I'm fine with!). See what I mean? Crazy. Uuuuh I hate study :(

The lazy blogger's post

2006-10-14T12:18:00.000+10:00

When you don't have much to write about - post some photos!

This week my friends and I have been running around trying to organise a belated birthday dinner for our friend, Em. She was in Canada on her birthday (way back in August!) so it was a non event, and lately we'd been noticing that she was pretty upset that no one really acknowledged the day. So we thought we'd try and lift her spirits with a (better late than never) dinner party.

Kath and I baked a cake. Wanna see it? :)

I stole the crocodile idea from D'Jen - aren't they the cutest? We had so much fun making it... it was low fat chocolate and orange marble

Here's the 3 helium balloons I bought for the occasion - the orange one popped in the car on the way over. So we only had two haha. A bit stingy, yes, but pretty none the less...

This is a picture of the delicious vegetable lasagne we had for dinner - I'd already started eating when I realised I should take a photo. SO YUM!

This is the cake after we attacked it

And finally, here is my biggest wake up call - this one is for anyone who said I don't look 99kgs

Absolutely shocking.
I didn't want to post this picture but I can't keep pretending that I don't look like this - I can't keep sifting through the bad photos to find the good ones to post up here. I've got to get real! God damn it, I don't want to look like this anymore!!

But to finish on a lighter note, here are some pictures I took while walking through the city yesterday... first is an example of the gorgeous Jacaranda trees which have sprung up everywhere lately. Second is our gorgeous casino. I love this building!

So the only thing I have planned for the rest of the weekend is study... study and exercise... and healthy eating.

Have a nice weekend everyone! What's left of it.

Travelling 'round australia without leaving Brisbane!

2006-10-08T15:23:00.000+10:00

You should probably all just ignore the last post... It was late night and I was just a little fed up with drunk obnoxious people shouting out to me. Just to clarify a few things re your comments: Scooters are registered vehicles on the road with exactly the same rights and responsibilites as cars or motorcylces. We are entitled to our own lane, we don't have to ride to the side so others can pass - in fact that's very illegal and dangerous. My scooter's maximum speed is about 60 unless it's down hill, so in most areas I travel at the legal limit (ie. there's no reason to race around me or tail gate me), and the last time I checked it's not illegal to go 60 in a 70 zone anyway - just calm down and go around me (no need to cut me off, either). If I have to travel on a freeway I stick to the stopping lane. I just don't understand some people's mentality. On Friday night I was at my friend's apartment (in a side street in the valley) and their balcony looks over the street where I was parked. I didn't see it, but my friends saw a group of people walk past and push my scooter over for no reason. Now where's the sense in that?!!?
I think scooter's are freakin' cool. They're super cheap to run and you can park anywhere, and traffic's not a problem - I heart my scooter. So there :p

This is a picture of mine - 'cept mine is red. So Deb - you're free to photograph him, but he's not as sexy as other scooters...

Ok, that aside now I can tell you about my latest (crazy) idea for a challenge! It's called "exercise across australia" - ok, I just made that up and it's probably the worst title ever, but it'll do for now. The idea is, I'll work out how many kilometers it is from Brisbane to certain places in Australia and I'm going to aim to jog/walk/cycle/row/swim that distance! I've already done 4km - woo, I'm on my way to Ipswich! haha. I'll plan a trip around Australia stopping at various places along the way and see how far I can get.

Sound cool?

Sound incredibly corny and dumb?

Who cares, it might just be motivation or somn'.

So I used Gmaps Pedometer
to map roughly 2400kms in smaller sections from Brisbane to Adelaide via Sydney and Melbourne. I worked out it would take me two years at an average of 25kms a week. (god, this is such a joke) To do it, I'd have to fit in a lot of cylcing seeing as I average at around 10-12kms in half an hour.
This is the link to my gmaps map... more for my sake, rather than yours but you can look at it if you like
(update: I just wrote out the entire freakin' list of distances (there were about 100 destinations) and then accidently deleted it. Jesus freakin' christ! I don't think I can get that information back. Is anyone a gmaps expert? Can you go back and find the distance between previous points?... I'm so screwed....)

I'm so going to lose interest in this in about a week ;)

Why?

2006-10-08T00:44:00.000+10:00

Why are some people so rude to people who ride scooters?

Why am I a 'fuckwit' or a 'faggot' for riding a scooter?

Why do I deserve to have things thrown at me?

Why does seeing someone on a scooter cause certain people to laugh and ridicule?

Why do other drivers honk their horns or cut me off when I'm not doing anything wrong? Don't they realise it's fucking dangerous to drive so recklessly for no reason???

God, it pisses me off.

Missed opportunites

2006-10-06T18:04:00.000+10:00

Thanks for all your concern on my last post! I wasn't even considering it being a dangerous situation! I'm pretty sure the boys were harmless - just after some action! But you're right, I should try and be more cautious... it's hard when you're that drunk though. So is the message to not drink so much next time? hehe.. probably a good idea.

And just a note - I appreciate the comments on the photos, and just so you're fully aware, you know I only put up photos that make me look attractive haha. Don't go getting fooled that I actually look like that all the time! Maybe I should post some not so good photos to even things out :) It's all about angles... angles and lighting. And maybe some make-up.

Today I had so many 'perfect photo' moments (i.e you see something funny or amazing or beautiful and think "I have to take a photo of that!") but it just so happens that today was the one day I didn't have my digital camera in my bag!! I was so annoyed. I always have my camera in my bag, to the point where it's a running joke with my friends. But alas, today I missed out on some prime subjects...

The greatest thing about QUT Gardens Point campus is that there are wild peacocks wandering around the grounds. I kid you not. And one such peacock decided to greet me as I exited a building today! He wasn't showing me any feathers, though, so I followed him around for a while hoping he'd give me a show. Unfortunately he wasn't too keen, and I didn't want to provoke him so I left him be. So I guess a photo of a peacock without its feathers standing up isn't that excitng a photo anyway...

Then, this afternoon I went to the movies (I saw Little Miss Sunshine - another must see! It was fabulous) at Palace Centro and since I was in the neighbourhood I went down to New Farm park and walked along the river for a while. I tell you, there were so many gorgeous flowers and trees and lorikeets and the most amazing sun set - all of which I could have documented for you if I had had my camera! Anyway, I sat down on a bench and watched the sun go down while I began to compose "The List". i.e A list of things I want to do/accomplish over the summer break. When it's complete I'll post it up here for you. It's gonna be great :)

Just for the record, I had a little blowout foodwise yesterday. But I'm getting it under control. I didn't weigh in today, though - maybe tomorrow.

a week in review

2006-10-05T09:14:00.000+10:00

Wow, I can't believe nearly a week has gone by without a post!! How does that happen? Especially since I read other people's blogs almost every day.

My weekend was actually kind of eventful for once! Here's a limited commentry for you (with some random photos because I'm such a poser!)

Saturday night rolled around and I found myself home alone (my room mates had gone to their parents for the weekend) and really in the mood for a night out! (Definitely because I had new clothes that I felt attractive in... the only reason)
So I arranged to meet my bestfriend and her boyfriend in the Valley for some long overdue drinking and conversation. Seeing as I'm considerably poor, I scrounged the house for available alcohol and went on to consume 1 bottle of champagne, three vodkas and a beer. So by the time I caught a bus into the Val I was already pretty wasted!

I wont go into too much detail here only because I'm just not sure who reads this, but MAN it was a funny night! We all went to the Family ($15 cover charge! Practically all the money I had with me - luckily other people were buying me drinks) where, in my drunken confident state, I involved myself in conversation and flirtation with two random boys... Long story short, my friends abandoned me (they thought I knew those boys) so I was wandering around the valley with two strange men who tried to lure me into BadGirls at one stage! The only thing I remember is being in a taxi with them, obviously en route to one of their houses, and miraculously they decided to stop at a Hungry Jacks for some food which just happened to be down the road from my house, so I jumped out of the cab and ran home!! Without saying anything to them hahaha.

I had such a hangover the next day.

But it was fun :) Even though the guys were completely not my type, it felt pretty good to be the object of someone's attention for a while, especially when I've been feeling so down on myself lately. Compliments are always nice.

So since then life's been pretty boring. I've realised just how much uni work I have before the end of semester (three weeks away! hello!!) so I've written myself up a rough guide of what I need to be doing every day to keep on top of it all.. *fingers crossed* I'll get stuck into it and not leave it all til the last minute again.

I found myself a French penpal through some random forum I stumbled across, so I really should get writing to him to improve my French, but it just seems like homework or something. Ezpecially since it would take me probably about an hour to write a good email in french... but I shouldn't let that opportunity go to waste. It's gold.

In weight loss news, I totally copied Jade's graph idea and I've done myself up a fancy little table in Excel. It's all colouful 'n stuff :) So far I've had one perfect day and one near perfect day... in exciting news - I WENT BACK TO THE GYM! woohoo! It's the first time I've been in about 5 weeks (apart from one cycle class). I jogged for 15 mins, walked for 10, cycled for 40 and did some sqauts, lunges, sit ups, push ups, dumbell weights and lots of stretching. It felt very good, thankyou very much. I realise my fitness levels have dropped some, but I can bring them back up - I've just got to take it slow and make it happen. I really want to be able to run for half an hour non stop! That's my ultimate goal.

So here's to another perfect day!! I can do it :)

Confessions, clothes and cylce class

2006-09-29T09:55:00.000+10:00

I have a confession to make...
two weeks ago I weighed in at 98.8kg and shared the news with you all. Last week I also weighed in, but I didn't post it because I was angry and thought the scales must have been lying. It said 99.7kg :( I was bummed because it's so damn close to the 100s and I swore I'd never be there again. This morning, however, I weighed in again and this time the scales read 98.9kg. So part of me is saying "woohoo, o.8kg loss!" but another part of me is saying "The scales were wrong last week and really you've just maintained for the fortnight". But I guess there is no reason why the scales would be wrong. So I should be happy I've lost weight!
Especially since I didn't count points at all and I only had one day of planned exercise. My eating was totally sensible though - go me. This week I'm going to put in 100% effort and hopefully next weeks loss will kick arse!

SO, in more exciting news, yesterday I went shopping with my nifty new Virgin credit card (with my enormous credit limit that I shouldn't be trusted with) and bought myself SIX (count 'em - 6) new items of clothing.

But I should start at the beginning... Since stacking on the kilos lately I've been avoiding clothes shops like the plague because I know if my own clothes are tight then I'll just curl up and bawl like a baby trying on clothes in a dressing room. While the parentals were here on the weekend, however, Mum needed to find an outfit for a wedding she's attending soon and I went with her to Myer. While we were there I found this gorgeous little red cardigan at Miss Shop that I fell in love with. They only had a 14 and I didn't think it would fit me, but I tried in on anway. Needless to say it was a little tight over my bust (the perils of big boobs) but I knew the 16 would be super cute.

So yesterday I went on a road trip to Brookside Shopping Centre, the best place for Myer shopping because it's in an obscure location where people obviously have little fashion sense so they're always stocking the good stuff in all sizes. Having said that, they didn't have my red cardi in a 16 (sob sob) but I did find many other items to tempt me!! And seeing as they had 25% off all Miss Shop and Kenji branded clothing I thought I'd try a few things on for measure!

I wasn't expecting anything to fit me - I knew I was just punishing myself by attempting to fit into clothes that were only just fitting me 6kgs ago, but low and behold - miracles do happen! I walked away with three cute tops, a t-shirt, a little bolero and a reversible skirt (ie you can wear it both sides! One side is plain olive green, the other side is white with an olive green leaf pattern on it - very cute!). So here's the evidence:

Just a pretty, summery top - can't believe this one fits me! Big boobs means tops which aren't stretchy never fit around my bust. But this one does! Woohoo!

I love this top because the colours are gorgeous and it's not fitted around my stomach - mmm comfy

These two were the last minute impulse buy, but I think they ended up being the best of the lot! How cute is the bolero?

'Eskimo Tiwns Diner' - yes, I realise my breasts are enormous - I think the bra I'm wearing isn't doing me any justice... I'll try and rectify that for the future! Notice the position of my arms is cleverly re-defining my silohuette? Smart.
This picture also shows a bit of the skirt I bought - this is the olive green side (duh). I didn't get a picture of the other side as my battery died right after this pic!

I'm still pining after that red cardigan though - I might have a look at another Myer over the weekend - hunt it down and make it mine!

So this shopping episode has boosted my confidence! I'm so totally super motivated to lose weight right now. Dr Phil suggested I make a specific time line for my goal (which I've never done before) so I want to lose 2kg a month (using a starting weight of 100kg even though I wasn't quite there - I was close enough). So by the end of October my goal is 98kg. Pffft I'll be way lighter than that! But it's good because it gives me room for later on.

I had an idea that since I bought 6 items of clothing and I want to lose 6kgs by my Melbourne trip I could use them as rewards for each kilo I lose. I want to have all those clothes for my trip so I'd HAVE to lose 6kgs by then!! But I question my ability to stick to something like that...

Anyway, now that I've written half a novel I'd better go have a shower (I've been to cycle this morning - oh how I love that class! It works ya so hard!). Don't forget to tell me about your 'passing people on the walking track' etiquette. I really am interested to know what other people do!

My dream house

2006-09-28T11:24:00.000+10:00

So I didn't get out for my walk/jog along Kangaroo Point yesterday as it was stormy and the radio said there'd be hail. I didn't want to risk getting caught in it, especially with my iPod strapped to my waist!

I did, however, get up early this morning and go for a lovely walk around my neighbourhood - around some of the back streets where I don't normally walk. I love walking in this area because there are so many beautiful houses to look at. Sometimes I nearly walk into parked cars or light poles because I'm staring so intently at a gorgeous old QLDer. Looking at all those houses got me dreaming about what my ideal house would be like - my main requirements are:
*A big veranda which links to the (spacious, well designed) kitchen -perfect for entertaining!
*Mulitple levels, maybe with some split levels thrown in there - I'd love a 'loft' type room which overlooks the lounge or something - a little hideaway retreat with a comfy couch to curl up and read a good book.
*A pool - a nice, lagoon type pool with lots of sunbathing areas
*A granny flat, fitted with a bathroom and kitchenette. I'd love to be able to cater for my parents when they get older, or maybe a teenage child at some point! Or visitors, too!
*A bathroom with separate bath - one of those big deep ones with claw feet. And a shower with one of those removable hand held shower heads - they're DIVINE. The ultimate showering experience.
*A low maintenance, yet tasteful garden featuring durable native plants - with room for kids to run around, and a tramploine!
*A big walk in wardrobe in the main bedroom... mmmmm.. space
And that's about all I can think of for now. Not sure exactly what it will look like - you know, the colour scheme and all that - I haven't got down to the details yet. I guess I'll wait until I make my first million before I start drawing up the plan.

When I see nice houses for sale or for rent in my area I always rush home and look them up on the internet to see inside pictures and how much they are. I'm such a home-body.

One thing I noticed on my walk this morning - which of course I have noticed before - is that when I pass someone on the walking track I find it IMPOSSIBLE to keep my head up. I ALWAYS look down and avoid eye contact. I can't even keep my head up and look straight ahead. It's just this uncontrollable impulse to put my head down. Don't you think that's weird!?

What do you do when you pass someone on a walking track? Do you look at them? Do you look away? Do you exchange pleasantries?

I think my problem is probably related to my self esteem or something - who knows?

Movie reviews and weekend wrap up

2006-09-27T08:24:00.000+10:00

If you see one movie this year it's got to be Kenny. What a beautiful movie! It's a mockumentary about a guy - Kenny - who runs a port-a-loo business and the ins and outs of his job. I tell you, you become so endeared to this character - he's so loveable. I sat through almost the entire movie with a big smile on my face. It's so well written, with some of the funniest lines you'll ever hear in an Australian movie, and the acting is just brilliant. EVERYONE did a fantastic job - and I don't normally say that! Especially in Australian movies - I'm always quick to pick out the weak ones! But this movie was just flawless. I loved it. GO SEE IT!

One not to see, however - 'Last Train to Freo'. The script was unrealistic and the acting was over the top. And what was with the ridiculous twist at the end? Pfft. Don't waste your money, in my opinion!

So the weekend with the parents was quite good. We didn't do much - movies, shopping, eating - but it was just good to see them again and be in each others presence! I have to say, I was quite proud of my eating over the weekend - we ate out at every meal and I managed to choose healthy options and request 'no chips' and I never had dessert. All in all, I think it was a very healthy weekend! Lots of incidental exercise... walking around Roma St parklands (oh so beautiful!) and just plain walking everywhere!

So I'm a bit bummed that I'll miss out on the Melbourne Bloggers chirstmas party! It's on the 2nd and I arrive in Melbourne on the 19th. I've already semi-arranged with Philippa to meet up some time, but I'd also love to meet everyone else!! So if any Melbourne girls would like to meet up some time between 19th Dec and 3rd Jan let me know! Maybe we can all go to dinner or something :)

Running tonight at Kangaroo Point. Let's see if I can beat my record.

2006-09-21T21:13:00.000+10:00

Just returned home from a wild day at Movie World! It was a birthday present to my roommate Kath because she'd never been before. It was, however, my second time in less than a year.

We had a pretty fun day, despite the Wild Wild West ride being closed (one of my favourites!) but by the end I was feeling really sick. You know how there's an hour before closing time so you run around and go on every ride three times each?! Yeah, well that just didn't seem to agree with me today and I had 'motion sickness' all afternoon. Was not pleasant!

Aside from a rainbow swirl ice cream after lunch (possibly a contribution to my afternoon sickness) my eating was supurb today! We bought sushi at the train station to eat at lunch and I had two apples and some pistachio nuts. And lotsa water! No planned exercise but the day was fairly active so I'm ok with that.

But tonight I have to do an online exam *puke*. I wish I could just go to bed (I'm still feeling a little dizzy!) but I've still got to study a little more then sit this thing. I've chosen to skip French tomorrow (I'm such a rebel!) because I don't have time to do the homework and my teacher's a real Nazi about that. Plus, my parentals will be here tomorrow and I'd rather spend time with them! OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT MY PARENTS COMING! Woo!!

Today at movie world I had a few really low moments. Mostly involving the pictures they take of you while you're on the rides... You know how you come out after a rollercoaster and they've got your image plastered up on a big screen for everyone to see? Well I was devestated by some of those pictures. I just looked horrendous. And yes, I know it's hard to look hot when you're screaming and being knocked about, but that's no excuse - I looked FAT. Really fat. I haven't seen a picture of me like that since before I started this weight loss journey. It was a real wake up call.

I bought Dr Phil's book "The ultimate weight loss solution" the other day so I'm looking forward to sinking my teeth into that and addressing some of my issues. I've read the introduction and it seems to be exactly what I need right now.

Ok, here's a few movie world pics! None of me. I didn't dare get infront of the camera today

This is Kath and Amy with Willy Wonka. This guy was great!! He looked and sounded just like Johnny Depp - we were totally impressed

I don't know these kids but I LOVE this picture - I remember hugging the characters like that when I was a kid so I can imagin how excited they would have felt at that moment :)

A cool picture of the Scooby Doo van

Have a great weekend everyone!! :)

And so it begins

2006-09-17T15:21:00.000+10:00

I hopped on the scales Friday morning after a night of tossing and turning, fearing I'd weigh over 100kg. I was pleased (??) to see the scales read 98.8kg. (The question marks are there because I'm really NOT pleased at all to weigh 98.8kgs, but it's better than being over 100kg). So after two weeks - one of 'maintaining' behaviour and one of disgusting indulgent behaviour - I've gained .4 of a kilo. Meh.

This week is where it begins! I'm going back to my meeting, and my friend Simms and I have decided to be each other's support network. Simms (pseudo name, obviously!) is by no means overweight - she's gorgeous - but she's always been the one person I can talk to about weightloss because she has troubles with yo-yo dieting and emotional eating and gaining and losing weight. She's done WW before so she understands the system and she always seems to want to lose a few kilos (even though I don't think she needs to lose any!). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that we're going do it for real - together - by setting up a plan and being in 'competition' with each other. Not sure how it'll work yet but we're going to give it a go! Anything to get me off my lazy arse!

I just worked out the distance of all my walking routes using Gmaps Pedometer which is so damn cool! It can even tell you how many calories you burn! I'm totally psyched. My normal walking routes are all around the 5km mark which is pretty good I guess - and the stretch along Kangaroo Point which I can run without stopping is 1.5kms! woo!

My parents are coming to stay next weekend and I'm sooooooooooo excited!! I haven't seen them since April (read: since I gained 12kgs) so in that respect I'm a little embarrassed, but I know they wont judge me so it's not a big deal. I just can't wait to sit and talk with mum - she'll make me feel so good, I know it - and she's such good motivation too. Mum and I did WW together when I lived in Melbourne and it was so great to have her by my side the whole way- something I definitely miss now. Aaaaaaah I just cannot wait to see them :) :) it's going to be great.

That's all my news. My roommate and I built a cubby house in our living room with sheets and pillows and matresses last night and watched movies while it was raining outside. Sounds a bit silly but it was the most fun I've had in ages! I think I'll go do my uni work in there now! So cosy :)

Update! - 30 mins walk with hills plus 50 sit ups, 20 leg raises and 10 push ups! woo!

I don't want regrets

2006-09-13T21:08:00.000+10:00

Half a tub of ice cream later, I'm sitting here wondering how I can disguise my binge from my room mate who I co-bought the ice cream with yesterday. She took a couple of mouthfuls last night before she left to stay with her Nanna for a few days and now the tub is more than half gone. My initial thought was 'just finish this tub, buy another one, scrape a little off the top and she'll be none the wiser!', but this option means lots more ice-cream consuption not to mention the added temptation of a semi-full tub of ice cream sitting in the freezer. The stupid thing is, I ate the damn stuff when I didn't even want it - I ate it only because it was there! And I knew that at the time! What the?! God, I need to regain my self control!

I just read through Sassy's blog and I really connected with her words. I could see myself in her in almost everything she said! I think I've struck gold with this one - I'll be a regular reader for sure.

The thing I came away with most prominantly is the thought that I don't want years to go by and to regret not doing anything about my weight. I don't want to turn 22, 23, 24, 25, and think 'god I've wasted the best years of my life being fat!". THIS is the time I need to get serious. The time is right freakin' now!

So the moral of the story is I'm going back to WW. Too bad if I can't afford it - I have to afford it! I've been debating whether it's a good idea to go back or not because I worry that I rely too much on that external motivation to live healthily and I wanted to be able to do it alone, BUT... the bottom line is I'm successful when I'm at ww. And right now I need success. And it ain't coming on my own!

I'm weighing myself Friday. If I see 100 I'm going to cry.

Random Thoughts Post

2006-09-10T10:46:00.000+10:00

There's a mini twix bar sitting at the base of my monitor that has been there for at least a week now. Since its arrival I've been determined not to eat it, as it seems to represent failure to me. I feel like if I eat it I'm committing myself to a life of indulgence and gluttony. I have, however, eaten things far worse than that Twix throughout the week, but there's something about that twix which symbolises my committment to weight loss right now. I'm not going to eat that Twix... I want to keep it, see how long it will remain untouched... perhaps right up unitl I reach goal? Further, maybe? Maybe it will never be eaten?

Last night an ex-cold rocker (ie cold rock staff member) came into work with some friends. She. Looks. Amazing. She's lost so much weight that when I saw her my chest felt all tight and I didn't breathe for a full ten seconds. I felt very happy for her, and very very jealous. But also very inspired. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I often lose sight of the fact that when that number on the scale decreases and when eventually it gets to the healthy weight range I will no longer be fat. Does anyone else have trouble getting their head around that idea? I will no longer be fat. I've always been fat. I forget that it's very possible for me to one day no longer be fat. Geeeez...

My French teacher doesn't wear a bra. It drives me mad! Isn't she afraid one of her nipples might poke someone's eye out? It's very distracting. I cringe every time she takes her jacket off. I wonder what the word for 'nipple' is in French? *looks it up*

I got up and prepared for the gym this morning, but it started raining so I didn't go. (I ride a scooter... not fun - or safe - in the rain). I'm still in my gym clothes waiting for the rain to stop but I have a sneaking suspicion I wont make it to the gym today. I will go for a run, though! I've got much more motivation for outside exercise lately rather than gym exercise. But I don't like wasting my money on an unused membership so I'm forcing myself to go.

I bought weight training gloves on Friday. I know I'll feel stupid wearing them, but I need them! I get blisters from the weight machines...

I wore my summer shorts yesterday - they do up! There's enough muffin top to feed the homeless, but they do up! And they're comfortable! woo!

My goal this week is to say 'no'. When offered food I will say 'no' every time.

Weighing in Friday... I'm hoping to be in the 97.something range.

S'all for now! xxx

A true aussie icon

2006-09-04T16:16:00.000+10:00

I'm so sad about Steve Irwin :( It's such a terrible shame - he was so unique, such a character - so full of life and enthusiasm and a true Australian icon. Mostly, I just keep thinking about his children - I can picture little Bindy on the Australia zoo ad... that poor girl, just imagin what she'll be going through! What a sad day for Australia - RIP steve! We love you!

So in my own little personal sphere my day is looking good. I've just handed in one major assignment which is a big weight off my shoulders! (Should I go step on the scales? hehe) Tonight I just need to finish off my French powerpoint presentation and learn my lines for the workshop I'll be presenting tomorrow, then I'm fairly assignment free for a while!! I can't wait. I'm going to see so many movies!! And I'm going to clean my room. And I'm going to exercise a whole lot more! Aaah freedom, how I've missed you.

My eating has been a little spastic today, but it's not too late to whip it back into shape! It hasn't been bad, it's just been random - my latest craze is pappadums. Microwaved, they're only half a point for three!! So I've been a little pappadum crazy these days. There's so much cake in our fridge at the moment left over from my roommate's birthday and it's taking so much willpower to ignore it! One of them (yes there are multiple cakes) is a beetroot and ginger cake!! Sounds weird, hey? But it's delicious... tastes sort of like carrot cake. Sounds healthy too, but I'm convinced it's not. It's way too moist - gotta be chocka-block full of oil! So best to just stay away... if I can. The worst thing is my room mate brought it home just for me!!!!! She's been talking about this cake for ages and promised to bring me a slice but ended up bringing half the cake! She keeps telling me to eat it. What am I supposed to do?!

I've got a chicken breast that I need to cook up tonight but I need some inspiration... all my usual chicken dishes seem boring. I think I'll go recipe hunting - my favourite past time! haha

Ooh, I forgot to mention, I dug up my old yoga video after reading through some old Skinny Latte blog entries and can't wait to get back into it. The video I have is kinda crap - it's complete beginners stuff and doesn't seem too challenging - but I remember feeling great when I did it regularly! So that's my new toy for the week!

I'm going to start writing two lists at the end of each day:

1. Things I am proud of today
2. Things I could improve on tomorrow

They're going to be weight loss related. The more things I can add to the proud list, the more confident I will be that I'm headed in the right direction!

Oh and one last thing - I'm not working Monday nights anymore! I can go back to my original ww meeting. Yay because I love that meeting and this means I'll start losing again. I just have to bite the bullet and accept the plus sign.

Every day's a challenge

2006-09-02T10:09:00.000+10:00

I have to be honest - I'm trying so hard to banish negative thoughts, but it's a real struggle!! Since I've been paying attention to them I've found they're everywhere - they pop up out of nowhere, they sneak up on me, they jump out right in my face... It's really hard not to think negatively when your clothes don't fit you. And it's a challenge to not be so hard on yourself when you go to one of your closest friend's birthday parties and have a piece of birthday cake!

The way I see it, though - thinking negatively is a habit. And habits are hard to break! But once you start continuously replacing a bad habit with a opposing healthy action, that new action will eventually become the habit! So every time I have a negative thought I'm trying really hard to turn it around and make it a positive.

I recieved new batteries in the mail for my new scales - and yes the scales work but in my opinion they're a load of junk. I really don't think they're accurate at all. So I've decided to put them away. I don't want scales in my life!! I know I've said this in the last 800 posts, but my goals are:
1. Eat like a normal person
2. Be active on a regular basis
3. Think nice thoughts!
That's it! If I do that, life will be kind to me.

Ok, so time for some random photos! First, here's a little idea for you of what I'm faced with 4 or 5 times a week - it's open slather, I'm free to help myself to any of it! Can you understand how hard that is for me?!?!

click on the pic to see it bigger
These pics don't even begin to show the extent of ice cream and chocolates in the store. Ok, take that middle picture and multiply that by about 5. That's how many chocolates there are. How did I manage to lose 24kgs working here? I have no idea.

Next up are a few pics of the costume party I went to last night. The theme was the movie "Hook". T'was a lot of fun :)

Me, Chloe and Jess (fellow ColdRock-ers)

Me and my best friend's boyfriend John.

So that's about all for today. I went for a 40 min walk this morning so the day's off to a good start. Gotta keep those positive thoughts flowing! I'm gonna kick this excess weight in the arse! (Does that sound weird to anyone else? haha)

River Fire tonight! If any Brisbanites are at Southbank tonight come on over to Cold Rock and say hi!! :)

Just a quickie...

2006-08-31T21:06:00.000+10:00

Just wanted to check in and say, I'm feeling so super motivated right now! I've been reading blogs (when I should be doing my uni work!!) and I've had a kick arse day - I'm currently on 16.5 points and may have some strawberries and kiwi-fruit before bed which will bring my daily total to 17.5. I dragged my butt out of bed this morning and went for a 30 min walk in the rain! How committed am I? Totally committed. Clicks for Jac!

I had oven baked fish for dinner tonight with a cob of corn, some carrots and some broccoli. It's my absolutele favourite meal lately. So delicious and so uber-points friendly! And I've really been eating like a normal person lately - no emotional eating, no boredom eating, no binges - I've just been eating when I'm hungry and having what I feel like, and every day I come in under points! It feels so natural! So right.

My new batteries for my scales should arrive soon, so I can get an official weight, but I've got to be honest - I don't really care how much I weigh right now. I've got very little interest in that number. What I'm really gunning for is to simple live healthily, like a normal person does. I want to live without obsessing over food and by paying attention to my body's natural impulses. If I continue like this the weight will come off naturally and all will be right in the world!!

Having said that, I'm considering going back to WW - this time at a meeting in Paddington where I'll sign up new again. I know WW weighers aren't judgemental (well I assume) but I don't want to hand over my current book and have them write a big plus sign when I weigh in. I just want to start afresh and make this my new starting weight. It feels better that way. I need to rid myself of that negativity.

My reason for re-joining weight watchers is that it's plain to see in my history that the only time I've consistantly lost weight is when I'm attending meetings. So even though I feel very confident right now that I can and will do this, it's likely that I will need that extra support further down the track... and you can join for free for the next month, so now's the time! haha

Ok, so now I've written far more than I intended, I'll sign off and get back into that uni work!! Thanks to everyone who has been commenting lately, and hi to those who read but don't comment.. I think there might be a few of you :) I really do love and appreciate all the support I get from you all! Hugs and kisses to everyone!

UPDATE:
Batteries arrived - weight at 12.30pm after breakfast with a bloated stomach - 98.4kg... I'm taking that as a 0.1kg loss hahaha. Will join WW next week and go from there...

About time for an update!

2006-08-30T09:19:00.000+10:00

First of all, thanks for all your lovely comments - you guys rock my world :)

Aside from a few little hiccups over the weekend, eating has been fabulous for me lately. Yesterday I finished the day on 17 points without even batting an eyelid. I was really proud of myself yesterday because it was the first day in a really long time that I didn't stress about food. I didn't even really think about it! I just ate when I was hungry and prepared what I felt like eating, and somewhow it all fell magically into place! That's how I want life to be!

I'm off to an awesome start already by having only one bowl of cereal for breakfast and I'm not even craving another haha

Exercise, however, has been MIA for the last week... I always make the plan, but life has been getting in the way. (And when I say life, I mean my internal laziness). Maybe it's because I'm physically bigger that my body feels less inclined to run around and move more? Or maybe it's another emotional barrier I'm setting for myself? My theory is - I need to erase my mentality of "All or nothing" when it comes to exercise. When I was consistantly losing weight my exercise was fantastic - 5 or 6 days a week, always for at least 60 mins and usually at a fairly high intensity. So now, I think if I'm going to exercise it's got to be at that same level or there's no point. And I have to get out of that mind-set. Any exercise is better than none at all! Even 30 mins 3 times a week will set me in the right direction, and gradually I can build back up to what I was doing 6 months ago. Baby steps :)

I'm going grocery shopping this morning, so before I go I will write out a plan of action for the week - meals, snacks, lunches AND exercise for each day. I'm good with written plans, I like to follow structure!

So I'm getting on top of my mountain of Uni work and feeling very positive about it! This time next week I'll be virtually assignment-free! Well, at least for a week or two.. but that will be good.

Oh, and my scales arrive from Ebay, but they're not working :( The seller is sending me some new batteries to try out and if they don't work either I'll have to send it back and get a replacement... And even if they were working properly, they don't seem to be of a very high quality - they feel very plastic-y. And the instructions are clearly translated from another language! Perhaps Ebay isn't the best way to go afterall! But we'll see...

Wish me luck for work this arvo. I'm going to keep visualising myself at 86kg to keep my hot little hands away from the chocolates and ice cream!!! I'd rather be slim!!!

Clothes don't lie

2006-08-26T09:45:00.000+10:00

So, since writing my contract I'm proud to say I've stuck to it every day. God I feel ten million times better and healthier and happier already! Going to bed at the end of the day knowing you've had a successful day is so rewarding :)

I've worked two shifts so far this week and have successfully avoided cold-rock binges! That's already a huge thing for me - and I feel so proud of myself.

Last night I went to a BBQ where I definitely didn't go crazy, but looking back on it now I should have made some better choices. I had 9 points left when I got there, and I had:
1 white breadroll - (2)really wish I'd just avoided the bread althogether!
1 small rissole (1)
1 sausage - (3) -definitely didn't need the sausage.
Points free salad vegies
Small spoonful of potato salad... (1.5)
Glass of creaming soda (1.5) - was drinking water all night and then succumbed to a glass of the red stuff towards the end
5 corn chips - yes, I counted haha (1)
A few too many marshmallows - points value I have no idea - maybe about 4?

Hmmmmm, now that I look back at it, I was about 5 points over for the day. If only I'd avoided the soft drink and cut back on the marshmallows! But what are ya gonna do - and honestly, a week ago I would probably have walked away about 15 points over!! So lets not be too hard on ourselves here, hey?

Anyway, I'll make up for it with some hard-core exercise this weekend!

I bought some fancy electronic body fat % scales from Ebay the other day! If anyone's after a set - go to Ebay! Mine cost $41 including postage!! Total bargain. I hope they work well. So when they arrive I think Tuesdays will be my weigh in day (because I work Monday nights, so if I made Monday's weigh in that would give me unspoken license to binge at work!) I think my weight last tuesday was around 98.5kgs so I'm going from there..

I had a bit of a moment last night where I was about to break down and cry in my bedroom - I was trying to find an outfit to wear to the BBQ and I tried on many different things that either wouldn't fit me at all or looked horrendous. I'm talking clothes that I was wearing only a few months ago literally wouldn't go on my body. My 'going out' jeans which I remember in Feburary were getting a little saggy around my thighs and bum now will not do up around my waist. It's one thing to see the number rising on the scale, but it's another thing completely to see that weight gain staring you in the face like that. It was such a shock and really made me want to die. I have this feeling that I honestly just don't want to go anywhere until I've lost 10kgs. I want to sit around in my comfy jeans and a big jumper and hide all my fat until I'm back to the weight I was at the beginning of the year.

This episode did start to bring out those self-depreciating thoughts again, but I remembered my contract with myself and turned those thoughts into motivation to get my butt moving and shift this flab! I really need to lose at least 6 kilos before I can wear all my clothes again. I'm going to want to start wearing shorts and singlets again soon and I NEED to shed some fat before that's going to happen. This is it - it's time for action! The only way is down!

My contract

2006-08-22T08:54:00.000+10:00

I was laying awake in bed last night thinking about how I'd blown another day by indulging in hot chips at lunch time and ice cream at work... thinking how bad I felt both physically and emotionally... thinking about how desperately I wanted to feel happy again. I was thinking about Philippa (can't seem to stop thinking about Phil these days!!) and how fantastic she looks, how we're the same height and had the same goal weight... how she just bought size ten jeans and a size eight dress... but more importantly than that - how happy she is now! She's so positive and confident and content with her life and it's that feeling that I crave so much.

I told my room mates two weeks ago that I wanted to lose 6kgs by the beginning of October... I went ahead and lost half a kilo and then gave up again. Then my room mate Dani asked me the other night how it was going and I told her about how I couldn't find motivation and how I keep trying and failing. She said to me

"You just musn't want it that badly. If you really wanted it - if it was really important to you, you'd give it 100% and you'd make it happen."

She didn't say it in a mean way - she meant it in the way that she accepts me for who I am and doesn't think I need to lose weight to be loved or happy. But I thought about that comment for a long time... it's been lingering for a while... and last night in bed I came to the conclusion that she was right. If I did really want it, I would give it 100%! I would make it happen! So I turned on the light, got out a pen and some paper and wrote myself this contract:

I, jac (insert full name here), make a promise to from this day forwad make my health and weight loss a priority. I will exercise regularly with a focus on burning fat, increasing fitness and building muscle. I will make an effort to become aware of emotional triggers for eating. I will recognise when I am likely to start binging and stop myself by removing myself from the situation and reminding myself of this promise. I will say 'no' to foods I don't need. I will pay attention to hunger signals. I will take time to plan and prepare healthy and nutritious meals. I will track my food intake on a daily basis and use points values as a guide to my daily consumption. I will use positive self talk and mantras and learn to love the person I am again. I will keep up to date with the wonderful online support network I have. I will visualise my goals and remember those who are inspirational to me. I will look after myself, be giood to my body and give up all self-depreciating thoughts. I will be active in every day life. I will pick myself up straight away when I stumble, and remind myself what I want to achieve, why I want to achieve it, and whant I need to do to get there. I do solemnly swear to abide by the terms of this agreement. Signed: Jakwalena (Insert real signature here)

I then proceeded to write all the things I love about living healthily and actively losing weight:

"When I was at my lowest weight of 86kgs I was beginning to feel normal. For the first time in my life I was feeling as though my outsides where reflecting my insides and I was free to be the person I truely am. I felt more comfortable in my skin, more 'at home', more myself.
It feels fantastic to look in a mirror and be positive about your reflection.
It feels amazing to be proud of your efforts every single day, knowing you are doing your body and your soul a great service.
It feels incredible to try on beautiful clothes in smaller sizes to find they fit you well and look good too.
It feels awesome to go out and soicalise when you're happy and confident in the way you look.
It feels great to take photos and think you look hot in 99% of them!
It feels unbelievable to have friends, family and strangers tell you how wonderful you look.
It feels sensational to finish a workout session and experience that buzz which feels like lightening running through your veins.
It feels so damn good knowing you're only 10kgs away from your goal!
There is no comparison to the anticipation of becoming the person you've always wanted to be, and knowing you have the power to achieve it."

That last one is my favourite. It sends shivers down my spine. I often forget that I have the power to achieve what I want. It's up to me - and like Dani said, it's all about how much you want it - if you honestly want it with all your heart you will make it happen.

So this is my promise to myself. From this day forward I am making my health a priority.

I can't keep writing "oops" entries!!

2006-08-17T08:37:00.000+10:00

Ok so there's good news and bad news...

The bad news is my eating's been a little crazy again. I've only been eating healthy things, but I haven't been tracking anything - I have no idea how many points I've eaten in the last two days. I think it's a fairly safe bet to say it's too many though!

The good news is I went to Boxercise last night with Dani and it KICKED ARSE!!!! It was so damn good - I walked away feeling like there was electricity running through my veins - I'd forgotten how good it feels to really push yourself and take yourself to your own personal extreme. I'd like to keep going to Dani's class but I can't really justify it as they do Boxing at my gym, and Dani's class is $10.. it's just that boxing at my gym isn't as good. It's good - just not as good.
We were originally going to go to her running group, but that wasn't on because of the public holiday. So boxercise it was. Dani paid for me, which was nice of her...

Ok so far this week food=bad and exercise=good. Today I want to make sure both=good!! It's not too late to turn it around. It's never too late. Like Phil says, we just keep on going...

I've got lots of uni work to do at the moment, so I'm going to get my butt into the uni library to work on it all - because if I stay at home I tend to hover around the kitchen too much. I just need to remove myself from temptation!

Happy Thursday, everyone!

oops

2006-08-15T13:20:00.000+10:00

Well day one of my 'get back on track' plan after the big wedding weekend didn't end so well... I was 18pts when I headed off to work last night and was thinking really positive thoughts, and then - well - I don't really know what happened. I ate some chocolate... and then a customer ordered a vanilla ice cream with mars bar, and it struck a chord in my brain.. "Mmmmmm, mars bar.... oh yeah, I really feel like that...." and I tried to ignore it, I tried to push it away, but eventually I gave in. I made myself a LOW FAT vanilla with mars bar, and as I started to eat it I thought "ew, low fat vanilla is gross". So with that thought I COULD have thrown the whole thing away, but instead I went back to the rock and mixed some nutella into it. *D'oh*. What was I thinking? Anyway, after that was devoured, I fell into that nasty trap of "Well I've blown it now, I may as well eat some more!" and so I continued to chow down a twix, a kit-kat and another ice-cream. Uuuuuuuhhhhh.

But today's a new day! And I'm not working again for the rest of the week, so there's no more temptation. I have to admit, though - working at Cold Rock is a real problem for me. I have a lot of trouble resisting temptation while I'm at work... and once I start, I find it near impossible to stop myself. I can't really remember what I used to do last year when I was consistently losing.. did I not eat cold rock at all? Did I limit myself? I know I didn't binge uncontrollably like I do now. I love my job so there's no way I'm going to quit, I just have to learn to handle myself.

Despite the cold-rock disaster, however, I did have a good day. I put in an intense 70min session at the gym which really got me sweating. And I avoided mindless snacking.

I do have one more problem that I should share with you, though.... it's about breakfast. I have this great healthy whole-grain muesli, which I absolutely love, but each morning at breakfast time I can't seem to stop at one bowl. Every morning for the last few weeks I've had two bowls of museli in the morning! I count it in my points (usually around 6-7) but it's not a good habit to have and it's such a points waster! I think the problem is that I bring out the cereal box, the milk, the bowl and the spoon and set it all up on the table. What I should do is pour my cereal and put it all away before heading to the table. That way, if I want another bowl I have to go back to the cupboard and the fridge, which is far more effort... I'd probably be far less likely to do it if it wasn't sitting right in front of me.

Anyway, I'm thinking about heading to Boxing tonight - I haven't been in months, but I've got a craving to hit something! It's always a good work out too - I just hope my fitness levels haven't dropped too much...

A fresh start

2006-08-13T23:04:00.000+10:00

So after a very long hiatus I have returned to Blog-land. The main reason for my absense has been lack of internet access (or at least private internet access) but today I finally got my old computer up and running with Windows XP and broadband internet (with a big thank you to my awesome brother for all his hard work!). As you can see I've changed my template - it's brighter... fresher... cleaner - appropriate for a lifestyle overhaul. If you look to the right of your screen you'll notice my weight has crept up even further to a whopping 97kg. It's awful, yes, so lets not think about it. I went back to weight watchers last week and lost 0.5kg - a fair loss for a moderate week. This week so far, however, has been pretty dismal. My brother flew up for the weekend so we could both attend a friend's wedding yesterday so these two days have been fairly indulgent food wise. Tomorrow the indulgence stops though! I'm so determined to make this work. I'm sick of not fitting into my clothes and having to cover up my body - it was only a few months ago that I was feeling so proud of myself and wanting to show off my new slim-lined figure and I'm desperate to get back to that feeling! There are only a few months until it really starts to heat up and I really want to be at last 5kg lighter before then! I want to be in the 80's again by my birthday in December and that's about as far as I've got at the moment.

It's hard to believe that I could be at goal by now, if only I'd stuck with it, kept up that motivation and that discipline. I think part of the problem was feeling so alone in the journey - i.e, I stopped blogging!!! Not anymore. Blogging will keep be motivated, it will keep me hanging in there. I'm back for good. I just hope there's still some people out there who remember me!!

My thoughts.

2006-06-22T11:54:00.000+10:00

I remember about a year ago when I was in full swing with my weight loss effort and losing consistently, I would read some blogs where the author had come to a stand still with their motivation and just couldn't seem to get it right. They would make plans to get it together and then just days later they'd have fallen off the wagon again and were feeling sorry for themselves. I used to think those people were just weak, or lacked ability or know-how... I always thought that they were just kidding themselves and that it was easy to find that drive again to be in control and lose weight.

Right now I am one of those people. I make plans all the time and I give myself little pep talks and I make all these different attempts to give myself a good kick up the bum, but I still struggle - I'm still falling off the wagon, and I'm still beating myself up about it. I don't really know what to do?

I need to understand what it is about me - about my brain, what's going on inside my head - that drives me to over eat. There is something in there that makes me binge the way I do and I feel like all I need to do is indentify it and eliminate it. But how?!

I think about seeing a psychologist or a hypnotherapist to maybe help sort it out for me, but I can't really see how that would work - they'd want the answers from me, and I don't have the answers! The whole 'emotional eating' issue would be raised but I'm not able to link that to my life at all - I can't identify any emotional issues that lead me to overeat. The only emotional issue I have is a RESULT of me over-eating. But I guess that probably leads me to further over-eating. I'm sure it's a vicious cycle.

I would feel better about not being 'on-track' if that meant I was just eating a little more than I should or indulging every now and then.. but for me, at the moment, being 'off-track' means stuffing my face with everything I can find and not stopping until my stomach is literally full. It's just disgusting! The last two days have been odd - I start the day off so well and I eat a healthy breakfast and healthy lunch, and then something happens - there's one trigger - and I'm gone! I just start binging like crazy! Then I go to bed and think about what a pig I am and how much I hate myself. And I have NEVER in my life thought that I hate myself before. This is bad. This needs to stop.

I think, for me, eating makes me happy. It really does! It's not a false happiness, it really does feel good and taste good and it makes me happy. I only ever feel bad as a result of eating when I feel like I shouldn't have - when I'm on a diet (i.e weight loss plan). I guess what it comes down to is - what do I want more? What is going to make me happier? Eating freely, what I want when I want it - or being slim and healthy and looking good.

I wish being slim was more attainable for me. I've always been fat, so being slim at the moment is like the holy grail - some fantastic myth that I've only ever heard about.. that may not even exist! Right now 86kg is real for me - it's my lowest weight and I was there merely months ago, and I can't believe I allowed myself to gain so much weight back. I want to be back at 86kg, that's what I want, that's what I'm aiming for. And from there it's only 10kg til I'm in the healthy weight range.

None of my clothes are fitting me comfortably at the moment - every day when I get dressed I just want to find the baggiest tops I have to cover all my fat. I feel the best in track-pants and hoodies. But I can't wear those out. It makes me so depressed and so down on myself. And it means I'm not good company when I go places with my friends because all I can think about is how fat I am. THIS IS CRAZY. I've never felt this way before! I never felt this way when I was 110kg!!! Why now?!

Sometimes I think it's because when I was 110kg I was FAT. I was an obese person and everyone knew it - it was plain to see, there was no denying it, and no one expected anything more from me. I wasn't expected to look nice, I wasn't expected to be attractive, I didn't expect anyone to want to look at me or be interested in me. But now, 17kg later things are a little different. I'm no longer obese. Instead, I'm on the fat side of normal. There is definitely more of a stigma to being the size I am. It's like it's more socially acceptable to be REALLY FAT than it is to be on the fat side of normal. When you're obese people think "ok, she's fat, that's the way she is, no big deal" but when you're my size people think "geez, she could stand to lose some weight" or it's like you can look good - but not great. Like people can look at you and see you've got a nice otufit on, you've got the potential, but hey - there's a roll of fat around the top of your jeans there, and I can see the bulge around your bra straps on your back... Am I making any sense?!

I just feel like there's so much pressure. And I'm not living up to it. I feel ashamed that some people know I'm losing weight yet I haven't made any progress since last year. What must they be thinking about me?!

And I'm freakin' jealous of anyone who's losing weight constantly at the moment. If I'm not successful then no one's allowed to be!!

I know it's really stupid but I've been thinking about trying optifast or something similar. Go on, slap me - I know it's dumb, I've told people that myself - it's a cop out and it's not going to help me in the long run, and would I really stick to it if my problem is overeating... I know I know I know. But what if it gave me a nice kick start?! What if I had an awesome loss one week which motivated me to get back into a points plan? What if I could quickly get back down 86kg and I could pick up where I left off? I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here.

Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. It's so damn difficult.

healthy 'n' stuff

2006-06-11T17:36:00.000+10:00

The thing I've found lately is that you have to be prepared - you've got to have a plan and stick to it! It's the only way to make this weight-loss thing happen. Luckily, I'm the sort of person who loves to make lists and time-tables and daily plans! I don't always stick to them, but it helps me map things out and get some idea about where I'm at.

When I plan what I'm going to eat in a day I feel so much more in control and I ALWAYS make better choices. Not only healthier choices, but tastier choices! When I don't plan, dinner time comes around and I think "Hmmm, toast.." and end up regretting wasting 4 points on bread and vegemite! If I plan, those 4 points can be so much more interesting and satisfying! For example, I could have a cous cous salad with samlon, feta cheese and a range of vegetables with some toasted turkish bread. Mmmmmmmmmm... talk about yum! Cous cous is my new favourite food. It's versatile and points friendly, and so damn delicious! Like, for breakfast you can prepare your cous cous with milk then top it with chopped banana and tinned peaches and some fresh yogurt. Oh so good :) For dinner you can serve it instead of rice or pasta.. and as for lunch - well, it works with an infinate number of combinations of different foods... my favourites are roast pumpkin, cherry tomatoes, boconncini cheese, red onion, bacon, roast capsicum, fresh parsley or chives or basil, grilled chicken, tuna - you name it! Whatever takes your fancy. The trick is to prepare your cous cous with some good quality stock, and make it strong.

Planning exercise is a godsend too. When I don't plan my exercise for the day, 6pm rolls around and it's suddenly too dark to take that walk I'd been intending to take! I like to plan my days around what exercise I'll be doing as a matter of fact :) And I like that about my new self. Makes me feel healthy 'n' stuff ;)

So my week has been fairly good so far. I've been over points by one or two a few days but they've been covered by bonus exercise points. Yesterday at work I had a few too many malteasers, but nothing compared to chocolate binges of the past. Today and tomorrow I'm having low point days to make up for it. My shitty home scales aren't being very kind at the moment, but we'll see what happens when I weigh in officially. I'd like to have a big loss (1kg+) but I'll be happy with anything. I just wanna lose weight! Any weight! I'm sick of being fat!

Sometimes it hits me hard like a slap in the face - I have the ability and the tools and the know-how to lose weight and be a slim person
Too often I walk around believing that I'll always be fat and that this losing weight thing is only making me a smaller fat person... I tend to lose sight of the fact that I can very possibly be a slim person one day. Wow.

A clean slate!

2006-06-06T14:51:00.000+10:00

Last night I went back to Weight Watchers. It was far less scary than I thought it would be (although I don't know exactly what I imagined would be scary!). I got myself a brand new passport and I've started again with a new 10% goal and all of that stuff. My weigher was really nice too, she didn't write how much I'd gained on my card, instead she put a big line through it as a new beginning. She kept up the tally of how much I've lost so far though. I weighed in at 93.9kg, so my 10% goal is 84.5kg. I've decided though that I'm going to focus on percentages of what I have to lose. So I've got 18kg to my goal of 76kg, which means my first goal is 1.8kg (10%), next goal will be 3.6kg (20%) and so on... It's a nice way to break it down, I think.

I'm not thinking about how much I've gained - there's no point! This is what I weigh now, this is how much I have to lose. That's all there is to it.

I'm okay with it :)

Honest.

So I'm off to a good start so far! Just did a big healthy shop so I'm prepared for a week of healthy eating. I've got meals planned and exercise scheduled - yesterday I did a cardio blitz class at the gym and this morning I went for an hour walk/jog. I noticed during cardio blitz yesterday that my fitness level has dropped a bit over the last few months.. but I'm looking forward to getting it back up high!!

I really want to start Tae Kwon Do but I don't know anyone who would want to do it with me.. and it's the sort of class I don't want to do alone. It's probably a good thing though cos I can't afford it ;)

So it's all positive thinking from here on in. I am going to do this for real! I will lose weight!

I'm completely ashamed of myself

2006-05-28T14:58:00.000+10:00

So last Monday night I bit the bullet and weighed myself officially. I didn't go back to my WW meeting because I just can't afford it at the moment (I'm DEFINITELY going back when prac is over and I can work a few more hours). Instead, I went to the scales at the supermarket where I often weight myself. They're fairly accurate - within .1 or .2 of the WW scales. I'm so ashamed to admit it, I don't want to write it here, but I have to own it - 93.7kg. It's a shameful 7.5kg heavier than I was 6 weeks ago. I can't get my head around it - I've been trying to avoid thinking about it - but 7.5kg in 6 weeks?! That's disgusting. At that rate I'd be back up to 110kgs in less than four months!

Honestly, it makes me want to cry. I'm so angry at myself... and surprised, and guilty, and overwhelmed.. but do you think it's made me get back on track?!

I'm using being on prac as an excuse not to exercise, but I know that's bullshit. I have plenty of time to exercise - hell, I've spent three afternoons this week watching Wheel of Fortune! Admittedly, I ate really well for three days. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I came in under points! But Friday I binged after school, then Saturday I got to work and decided to eat chocolate ALL NIGHT. Today has been ok, but it could have been much much better. I can't seem to get it right. I can't stop myself from eating! All it takes is for me to get a little voice in my head saying "today's a write off anyway, you may aswell eat whatever you want", or "You've stuffed this week up anyway, just go for it", or even "Friday night you're going out to dinner so there's no chance of a loss this week anyway!". WHAT THE HELL?!

I have to love myself enough to want to make myself a priority.
That's my Dr Phil quote for today. Everything I'm doing lately is self sabotage. I have to stop and ask myself why I hate myself so much that I'm letting everything I've worked so hard for melt away... or stack back on, as the case may be! What is stopping me from being good to myself?

I feel like crawling up into a little ball and crying. I feel completely out of control and just disgusted at myself. I want to feel proud again, to feel strong and capable. Re-joining weight watchers is DEFINITELY the next step to take. I think I might ask mum for some money so I can go back tomorrow night. I need to make my weightloss a priority!

I've been neglectful

2006-05-21T13:04:00.000+10:00

Hey friends, it's been a while! Thanks to those of you who have left messages and sent emails wondering where I am. I appreciate that, I really do! I'd love to be able to say I've been on holidays or extremely busy, or in lock-down as Big Brother's next intruder, but the truth is I've been neglectful. Not only to you guys and this blog, but to myself. To my health and to my weight loss efforts.

It's been about three months since I've weighed in officially. In that time I've had ups and downs - good weeks and bad weeks. But definitely more bad than good. Looking back now I know it's because I decided to stop going to Weight Watchers meetings. I thought I would be able to do it alone and keep myself motivated, but in all honesty I just can't! I need the certainty of next week's weigh in to get me to the gym each day and to stop me from eating the wrong foods. I'm admitting it - I can't do this alone! I'm sure the fact that I haven't been keeping up to date with the blogging community has added fuel to the fire!

According to my home scales I'm currently around the 90-92kg mark, which is a 4-6kg gain over the last three months. I'm trying not to dwell on that number - I know it has the potential to really upset me so I'm not allowing myself to think about it too much. Instead I'm treating this like a new beginning. I've gone off the rails and I'm pulling myself back into line with a new starting weight. I'm planning to re-join WW tomorrow night, granted they don't make me pay the registration fee! It's going to be painful stepping on those scales, but I absolutely have to do it. I have to!! Otherwise I'll escalate very quickly back to the old fatter me. I've proven to myself over the last three months that I've got it in me! I've still got that lazy gluttonous side of me hanging around there just waiting to wreak havoc! And if I don't get my life under control now things are only going to get worse.

I've also decided to stop focusing on numbers below my WW goal. I'm now going to think only of 76kg and do everything I can to get to that number. When I get there I can reassess, but for now it's not doing me any good thinking that I want to be in the 60's one day. That's just too unattainable right now! I need something more realistic.

So my current goals are:

First mini-goal: 80's
Second mini-goal: 85kg
Third mini-goal: 80kg
Destination: 76kg

There are 6 and a half months until my 22nd birthday. If I take this really seriously and give it my all, I should have no trouble getting to my goal by then. It's definitely realistic and achieveable, so it's entirely up to ME to make it happen.

God, I hope I will find the strength to follow this through...

Taking the lead from Philippa I'm going to post my absolute worst 'before' photo I have...
Taken January 2005 - 110kg+. Literally the worst picture of me I've ever seen!

And just as a comparison, here's the most recent body shot I have:

I've come too far to turn back now!!

Sortin' through the dirty laundry

2006-04-05T10:34:00.000+10:00

So I've been trying to upload some new pictures but for some reason it just wont happen. So instead I'm putting them into Flickr, so feel free to mosey on over and have a squiz - here! Some of them are from the science lesson I taught last week to my tutorial class (they were pretending to be 10 year olds hehe). I love the photos for a few reasons - the 'kids' really look engaged and like they're enjoying the lesson; I look like a real teacher woo!; and I feel really good about how 'normal' I look. I don't look like a 'fat person' anymore, I just look like a slightly bigger normal person. I can't tell you what a relief that is!
The other photos are from the work dinner we had last week - I only got a few taken before my camera battery died, so there's not as many as I would have liked! There are also a few new ones up there from a week or so ago - not sure if I've mentioned that yet? Anyway, enjoy!

The last two days were blow outs for me, eating wise. Sometimes I have this compulsion - this addiction - to eat lots and lots of food. I eat until I feel postiviely bloated and full to the brim, but that doesn't stop me thinking "what else can I eat?!". If something particular enters my head, I can't stop thinking about it until I've eaten it! I seem to have no control whatsoever in these times, even though I'm constantly thinking that's it's wrong and I have to stop. It's the strangest thing. I've always thought I wasn't an emotional eater, that I just eat because I love food - but I'm beginning to think there is an underlying issue there that makes me binge. But what!? I didn't have a troubled childhood. Maybe it's to do with insecurities.. I dont know. I'd really like to get some sort of counselling to maybe find out what it is.

They were talking on Biggest Loser last night about what made the contestants fat.. for me, I have always been fat - I was born 11 pounds!! I was a chubby kid and grew into a fat adolescent and into an obese adult! My father is obese and while there may be genetic factors there, I think my weight problem has mostly stemmed from learned bad habits. Everyone in my family eats huge portions and snacks regularly. I was never denied food as a child, so I never stopped eating! My entire family has always been very sedimentary too - no one plays sport or exercises regularly (with the exception of in the past few years when everyone's been getting into a healthier regieme - dad's joined the gym, mum goes walking and my brother does rockclimbing and weights). So I really think I've had an unhealthy lifestyle modelled to me throughout my life. Now it's up to me to learn what healthy living is all about and put that into action from now on. There's no way I want to teach my children the bad habits that I grew up with. I want my kids to grow up in a household that is active and not centred around food. I want my kids to eat because they're hungry, not because they're bored or trying to deal with something emotional. I want to be a really positive role model. I only hope my future husband feels the same way!! ;)

Having said that, being fat my whole life has caused some pretty deep seeded emotional issues regarding my self esteem and self worth. I was teased a bit as a kid, and as a teenager I've always felt unattractive and less worthy of male attention. These are the reasons that I've stayed fat - they're probably the reasons why I put back all the weight I lost and then some from my first time 'round. So I guess it's these issues that I have to tackle well and truely in order for me to lose these last 10 or so kilos and keep them off.

God that's a lot to deal with! Who ever said this losing weight thing was easy?!

So I've had these two blow out days, but today I'm back on track. I'm not worried about them - there's no point in that!! All I can do is make TODAY count. Like we all seem to be saying lately, I've just gotta keep on keeping on! Giving up just isn't an option.

success!

2006-04-03T16:36:00.000+10:00

So it's about time for a positive update!! It's been over a week since my last posts and I am proud to say I've turned myself around. I've just weighed in today at 86.2kg which is a 0.8kg loss from my last weigh in and I'm very happy with that result! I'm at a new lowest ever weight and it's only going to get better from here. Only 0.3 to go until I'm in single figures (left to lose, that is!).

So getting all that negativity out, I went off to design some motivational posters for my room. I made up three - one has a whole lot of motivational and inspirational quotes which I read aloud to myself numerous times each day. Another is taken from Philippa's count-down idea with the numbers 10 to 1 and finally "goal" at the bottom which I can cross off each time I get a kilo closer to the holy grail! The other is a list of daily goals with check boxes. These goals are:
Stick to allowed daily points
Complete scheduled exercise
Drink 2L or more of water
Track all meals and snacks
No coldrock on shifts
(That last one is a real personal triumph if I manage to complete it - it's so hard to resist picking at the smorgasboard of chocolates, lollies and ice-cream at work each shift - if I can get through five or more hours without eating anything I feel SO proud!!) So each day I tick off these goals as I complete them and at the end of the week if I have 24 ticks I'm allowed to put away $10 towards a reward item! At the moment it's a new pair of Levi jeans I have picked out. And if I complete all these goals daily, by the time I have enough money I'll probably fit into the next size down!!

So after a successful week of sticking to all of these goals and repeating my positive mantras, I feel so much more in control and happy with myself. I forgot how easy it is to live healthily!! You've just got to want it and be committed.

I've found two wonderful new walking tracks to explore - one is in the next suburb over.. I was on my way back from the video shop when I saw a street with a big hill in it and I thought "I'm going to walk to the top of that hill then back down and continue on my way home", but when I got to the top of the hill, I came to a park and saw a guy come out of the bushes there. He was obviously out for a jog so I thought "there must be a walking path through that bush!" so I decided to investigate! There was indeed a path, even though it was a little overgrown and a bit difficult to navigate, but it was great! It was like a proper mountain climb almost - some parts were so steep and a bit scary but when I got to the top there was the most amazing 360 degree view of the city. It was just beautiful. There was a road on the other side so I ran all the way down. When I got to the bottom I had no idea where I was so I spent the next 20 mins finding my way back to my original starting point! The whole thing ended up adding an extra 40 mins to my walk! I haven't been back yet, but I can't wait to - I'd love to go at sunset or sunrise - it would be incredible, I'm sure.

The other walking track is out at Mt Cootha. The bush trails themselves are quite short, but really fun and I ended up going through each one more than once. But I kept seeing these signs pointing to "the summit" which is the lookout point at the top of the mountain. I kept thinking "I can't do that, it takes 15 mins to drive up there and it's STEEP, there's no way I could walk it!!" but when I was almost ready to go home I thought "I'm just going to see what's it's like.. I might go half way.. I'll give it a try" and before I knew it I was at the top, and it really wasn't that bad!!! I still can't believe I walked to the top of Mt Cootha. It was so great - I'm definitely going back there and I think I'll make it a bit of time trial race. I'll try to beat my own records!

So in this successful week I also went out to dinner with a big group of friends - we had chinese and I was so proud of my choices and my restraint. I steered clear of anything deep fried and I stuck to my plain rice with stirfried veges and sizziling beef. Sooooo delicious and I know I made healthy choices. Woo!!

I've now lost 24kg exactly. Woohoo!! Only 10.2kg to go!

Oh and there are some new photos on Flickr and still a few more to upload soon - got some good full body shots from my lesson the other day to show you! I was quite impressed myself - haven't seen a full body shot for a while so I was happy with what I saw :)

really got to go - got a lecture in 5 mins!! I'll update more often this week hopefully! love y'all

I just wanted to say...

2006-03-22T17:35:00.000+10:00

I know I can do this. Sometimes I really doubt that I ever will, but I KNOW that I can. It's going to be damn hard, but it's worth it. I can't look at myself and see what 10 or 15 kilos less will look like, but I can look at beautiful girls like Nicky and Philippa who just look fantastic and see myself in them. Despite all the negativity of the last post, I do believe in myself.

It's exactly one year and two weeks since I joined WW. I've lost 23.4kgs. I am proud of what I have achieved. I'm not upset that things are progressing slowly because it's all relevant to the amount of effort I've put in. This time around is so different to other weight loss attempts in so many ways and I know that this is the time I will get to the end and see it all through. I am determined.

There are 38 weeks until my birthday this year - it's pretty far away. I have 10.8kgs until my ww goal weight of 76kg which is the top of the healthy weight range. When I get there I'd like to lose another 5kg (that is, 71kg) and see how I feel. If I'm up for it, I might want to get to 68kg. It's just a number I've had in my head for a while now. I have never been slim so I have no idea what weight looks good on me so I'm going to take it as it comes. No matter what weight I decide on, I want to be there by my birthday. The max amount of weight I'll need to lose is 18.8kg. That's an average of 0.5kg a week. That may sound fairly easy but I know that if I want to achieve it, I've got to put in a lot of hard work and I've got to stop wasting time. EVERY WEEK COUNTS. Every day counts. Every meal counts. I need to remember that.

I'd like to create some visual reminders to put up around my room. (I'd like to cover the whole house but that doesnt work so well when you share with people!). I can't let my goal slip out of sight!

I read something recently that said "Life is not a dress rehearsal" and it really strung a cord with me. Life is happening RIGHT NOW, so what am I waiting for? Every day I slack off is time wasted. And I'm only cheating myself.

Don't read this... really.

2006-03-22T16:10:00.000+10:00

Once again, it's been a while... I'm not feeling positive and this entire post is self obsessed, incoherant and boring. And probably very hard to follow if you don't know me and what's going on in my life. This post is basically just for me to get this all out of my brain. I need to vent.

I've just been shopping and I can't believe the way it has made me feel. I don't know what it is, but I feel so unattractive in everything I try on these days, including my own clothes that I once considered flattering! I feel SO fat. I feel worse than I ever did 23kgs ago. Every part of my body makes me cringe and want to cry. Now I've heard girls say all these things before and I could never believe they would think such awful things about themselves, but I'm beginning to feel it too! Why?! I have no explanation. I know that I look far better than I did a year ago - I can see that in photos - but when I look in the mirror, I still see a huge fat girl. When I go out with friends I still feel extermely self conscious. I still think people are looking at my fat and cringing too.

My weight hasn't changed in a month and a half and I have absolutely no excuses for that. My eating has been disgraceful and I'm not exercising as much as I used to. I say to myself every day that I need to get serious, that I need to sort my life out. I know with all my heart that I want to lose weight, I know exactly what I have to do to make that happen, I want it with all my being but every time an opportunity arises for me to eat badly I jump at it. I can't remember the last time I said "no" to food offered to me. It's like I'm purposely sabotaging myself. Do I subconsciously not want to get any smaller? Am I scared of what life will be like when I'm at goal? Am I scared that things will change? I think I'm more scared that nothing will change!

I made myself a poster counting down the final 10 kilos to my ww goal but I haven't finished it yet. Another act of sabotage, perhaps? I'm currently using the excuse that I'll start tracking and meal planning when my computer is upgraded. What a shit excuse! What possible reason can I not do those things without it? Plus I continually put off upgrading my computer for absolutely no reason. I've got the money, I've got the time...

I can remember how it feels to be in control of my eating and it feels so damn good! It feels great to be proud at the end of the day because you've treated your body well. Binging only makes me feel disgusting and guilty. But sometimes I think I deserve to feel that way. It's a bit of a cycle, isn't it?

So the basic point of it all is that I feel shit. And I can't see a way out of it. I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard until I've lost 10-15 kilos. I don't want anyone to look at me and I don't want to have to look at myself!!!!!! It's definitely time for me to start afresh and do this for real. I owe it to myself.

I'm going to write up a list of goals and other related stuff and post it on here soon. I need something concrete to get me motivated.

Floating around!

2006-03-15T23:45:00.000+10:00

Just letting you all know (anyone who actually reads this - ha!) that I'm still here, floating around blogspace, reading all your entries and keeping my mind at least half in the 'alfalfa zone' as AJ would put it...

News is that I maintained this week - 86.8kg again, but I was pre-menstrual so there could be some fluid retention involved in that number... Dont know and I'm not too bothered by it anway. I didn't have a great week so I was lucky not to gain! (Hmmmm, seems to be a reoccurring theme here - every week is a "not so great" week!)

I'm right back into exercise and loving every bit of it. I've done two spin classes in the past three days and while I've got some nice big bruises in my nether regions, my body is thanking me for it - I've got that awesome tingle from when you know you've done a good workout. It's divine!

Uni has been keeping me pretty occupied lately and that's not going to change for a while! It's such a full on semester because I go out on Prac for the last four weeks and therefore have to get most of my assessment over in the first 9 weeks. French I'll still have to do while I'm on prac - sucks :( But that's what you get! Am absolutely shitting myself about prac - I've got a year three class. We're expected to teach lessons - um, I've never even written a lesson let alone taught one! It's going to be so full on - we're totally thrown into it and expected to find our own way... pretty scary. But I'll survive.

Anyway, I am so pumped to get my eating under control but when I'm full on studying I always 'power snack' to get me through. Today I bought two packets of lollies for sugar fixes to keep me up tonight and I've totally devoured both of them. What a pig! But my assignment is finished now so there's no more excuses. Tomorrow it's back to healthy eating. I desperately need to plan my food - but I also need TIME to plan my food and I haven't got that at the moment! Argh! Hectic!

Anyhoo, that's about all. I've got lots of new pics to share with you all but it will have to wait! You'll be patient now, wont you? :)

Back to normal!

2006-03-07T12:44:00.000+10:00

Ok so my weigh in today read 86.8kg! Pretty much back to what I was before my trip to Melbourne! I think the scales I used last week were a bit off because there's no way I've actually lost 1.3kg this week considering I did next to no exercise! So a month is wasted, but it's all good - that's life! I'm not going to set myself any strict time frames this year, I just want to be in the 60's by the end of the year. It's more than achieveable even at an extremely slow rate so I'm confident I will be there. This is my last year of being overweight! Woo!

My cold is gone and the rain has stopped! Lovely how those two things happened together. One day things were just right in the world again! I went for an hour swim yesterday and it was the BEST! Refreshing and energising and it sort of woke me up. I'm back now, I've returned to the right frame of mind. Things will start happening again! The scooter should be fixed either today or tomorrow so I've got no more gym absense excuses.

Lots more to write but there's no time! Got a lecture in 10 mins! gotta run! :)

give me strength

2006-03-03T11:04:00.000+10:00

I've got a pretty heavy cold at the moment. It's been particularly bad for the last three days. Combine that with the fact that it's been overcast and raining non-stop for at least ten days and you'll find that I've done no exercise lately. I did bodystep on Sunday but since then my only exercise has been walking to uni - which involves about a million stairs, but only takes about ten minutes. I feel slack, but there's not really much I can do about it! I can't exercise in the rain, and even so they reccomend you don't exercise when you're sick, do they.. whoever 'they' are!

And I've been eating badly too... well, I should give myself some credit, I have been eating well in terms of getting all my serves of veges, fruit, protien, carbs and dairy, but because I've been fairly house-bound, I just seem to hover around the kitchen looking for things to snack on! I need some distractions... like exercise?! STOP RAINING! And GIVE ME MY HEALTH BACK! I don't want to keep going backwards here, people! I want to lose weight! Give me strength!

Checkin' in

2006-02-28T16:53:00.000+10:00

Ok, first things first - I couldn't make it to my ww meeting because of a lecture at uni, so I found a scale at a chemist which I hopped on this morning. 88.1kg, that's a gain of 1.5kg. I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Yesterday morning my weight was a little lower than that, but I didn't eat brilliantly for the rest of the day and did no exercise so who am I to complain? I'm just happy that I'm still well within the 80's. I don't ever want to see the 90's on the scale again!

My scooter died last night - well, its battery did ;) So until I can afford to get it fixed (more expensive than you'd expect because I have no road-side assistance and therefore need to get a mobile mechanic - and a scooter mobile mechanic at that!) I have to be a public transport bitch. Uuuuuh I've had ONE day of this so far and I'm hating it. Waiting for buses, walking in the rain, carrying a million bags, finding the right change for the ticket... not to mention all the weird smelly people who catch buses! I want my baby back in good health! The worst part of this is it limits my ability to get to the gym. I can walk, but not in this incessant rain we're having lately, and it takes half and hour each way so that's an hour walk in itself - why bother actually GOING to the gym!? I will go tonight though to do some weights. Must fit it in before dark... might get my roommate to give me a lift... hmmmm... Anyway, point is - it's annoying! The only good part is that I have to walk up a million stairs to get to uni every day instead of driving right up to the top of the hill. That's gotta be good, right?!

Feeling very lonely and sad lately. I'm getting impatient with weight loss - I've been at it for a year now and I feel like I should be at goal by now. I could easily have been if I'd applied myself better. But there's no use dwelling on that... But it feels wrong to me to still be hating my body when I've lost such a significant amount of weight. Add to that the fact that everyone I know has a 'significant other' in their lives, whether it be boyfriend/girlfriend/bestfriend whatever, and I seem to have no one. I'm totally angry at my Melbourne boy (who went on a holiday to Qld when I was in Melbourne and "forgot" to tell me about it ggggrrrrrrr) so I don't have him to bounce off, even if that was only text messages and phone calls... my best friend lives with her boy and therefore our relationship is not the same anymore... I just feel so alone. It's just me and my thoughts - I'm not 'the one' in anyone's life - that feels sad. I keep thinking about a certain ex-boyfriend, even though I'm not particularly romantically interested in him anymore, only because we shared the deepest connection and we were IT for each other... and I totally miss that feeling.

Anyway... that's just my vent for the day. Don't mind me.

Miss me?

2006-02-22T13:25:00.000+10:00

So it's been a huge big two weeks since I've updated here and I feel a little guilty for my neglect! I have been reading all my favourite blogs and commenting on a few, but I haven't had anything positive to udate you with. Last night I returned from a fabulous 10 day trip to Melbourne where I engaged in a lot of touristy behaviour like visiting art galleries, seeing Lion King on stage, going to the Zoo and shopping in Richmond, Prahran and St Kilda... I had a great time with my family and managed to spend a bit of time with some high school friends. There are some new photos on Flickr of my time down south! Check it out! (The link is on the left somewhere... you'll find it!)

It's been two weeks now since I've weighed in... and I'm not even sure if I'll get to weigh in next week either as Uni starts and there's a bit of a timetable clash happening with my WW meeting. As my previous post indicates, I had a major blow out in the few days before I went to Melbourne, but my time in Melbourne was relatively binge-free. Of course there were days where I exceeded points - pretty unavoidable when you want to relax and enjoy yourself on holiday! And while I didn't do as much exercise as I planned while I was away, I did fit in a few one hour walks (including one around Albert Park Lake which was great!) and plenty of DDR with my brother Nick (Which is a dance game on the Nintendo - it's pretty energetic stuff!). And I think I was more active generally than I normally am at home (planned exercise withheld) with all the shopping and sightseeing etc. Lots of walking!

All in all I'm expecting that I've gained about two kilos. My shitty innacurate home scales say I'm at 90kg which at WW is 88kg, and my last weigh in was 86.6kg. I'm not upset about the gain - seriously, I can't be! I know I've been extremely slack and I have to accept that there are consequences! I'm ready to get back to the gym and work my butt of this week, and I'm ready to start tracking my points again.

One thing I've noticed with all this slacking off lately is that I never for a moment think about quitting all together. It never even occurs to me to just give in to a gluttonous lazy lifestyle. I am so reared and enthusiastic about losing weight and looking and feeling good that I just can't wait to get there! I'm going to do whatever it takes! This is a feeling that I've never had on previous weight loss attempts. I've always had the mindset that one day I'll be "finished" and life can go back to "normal"... but this time there's been a real shift in mentality. Healthy living is "normal" and what I've been doing for the last two weeks is completely out of the ordinary and feels wrong. I'm so excited about getting to goal! It's so close!! And I'm excited about going further beyond my goal to really feel comfortable in my own skin.

Jeans shopping at the moment is driving me crazy. I have one pair of great fitting jeans which are perfect in the legs and don't give me a muffin top effect - those are the jeans I wear out - my 'nighttime' jeans :) My other two 'daytime' jeans are too big and when I go shopping for another pair I find if they fit me well in the legs they're a bit tight around the waist and if they're great in the waist they're baggy in the legs! Argh! It makes me want to hide in a closet until I get to goal weight and clothes will fit me well. No one look at me for the next six months!

(Just so you know, one pair of my 'daytime' jeans that are too big are size 16 Sportsgirl. Oh yeah! Oh Yeah! Woo! Bring on the 14s!)

OK, plan for the week:
Stick to 20pts daily, and 22pts on days that I do 1hr or more exercise
Body step tonight (wed)
Cardio + weights at gym on Thursday
Swimming = walk to and from pool on Friday
Cardio + weights at gym on Saturday
Body Step on Sunday
Cycle on Monday

Hmmm.... looks like I'll be sticking to 22pts every day!
If I'm feeling positive I might go to a different ww meeting during the day on Monday so I don't miss another week...

Love you all, so glad to be back :)

Making myself accountable

2006-02-08T21:51:00.000+10:00

Maybe if I write everything BAD I'm doing in here it will guilt trip me into stopping this nonsense and getting serious.

In the last two days I've eaten:

Half a bag of clinkers
Choc-caramel pudding X 2
Apple pie with ice cream
Piece of caramel fudge
Iced jam filled doughnut
Cumpet with lots of peanut butter
Half a cookies and cream milkshake
one Tim-Tam
one Mini Flake
Chicken nuggets & hot chips + one potato scallop
1/3 of a bag of choclate eclairs

And I've done NO exercise. I got called into work last night so I missed Boxercise.. and today I slept in past my cycle class thinking I'd go to Step tonight, but I lazily decided not to go...

I think it's because I know I wont be weighing in for two weeks... But I've seriously got to stop this, it's just ridiculous.

So I'm making myself accountable.

I know it's not all about the scales, but..........

2006-02-06T11:17:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling a little crap-tastic. I haven't weighed in yet, but my shitty home scales don't seem to be reflected the AWESOME week I've had. This is the first week in ages that I can honestly say I've really worked hard to do the right thing - where I've actually said no to tempting foods and combatted negative thoughts and exercised every day and stuck to my points... My only slip up this week has been eating some piklets with maple syrup after dinner on Thursday - I was four or five points over my daily allowance. But every other day I've stuck to points and after my swim this afternoon I will have done 470mins of exercise this week! That's huge! 2 C25K workouts, boxing, a 50 min walk, two swimming sessions and a body step class... I feel like THIS is the week I deserve a kilo loss! Not the other three weeks where my week was only "average". But I don't think I'm going to get a good result on the scales tonight. Why does my body play games with me like this?! Why can't things be black or white, yes or no, this way or that way, why is there always grey area? Hmph.

I know realistically I shouldn't be phased by what the scales say, because I know I've had a good week and I've done everything I could to live healthily and look after my body... but still, I like to have some concrete results to make me feel good and motivate me to keep going.

I will weigh in tonight and come back to y'all with the results.

Ok, weighed in - 0.5kg loss. Yep, it's not bad - a loss is a loss and it's a good steady amount. If I keep losing 0.5kg each week I'll have reached my goal by July. Woo! But it doesn't seem to make sense that eating more means I have bigger losses - that's generally how it works for me. Perhaps I should try the Wendy plan...

I went to Coles after WW tonight and bought Clinkers, some Yogo and a Wagon Wheel. Dont ask me why... I wanted to get KFC but thought if I went to the supermarket instead I would find a healthier option - but that junk ended up being my dinner. I haven't eaten over points, but it's still binge-worthy stuff and I'm not proud of myself. I'm giving the rest of the Clinkers to my roommate to eat and the other yogo is ok points wise to fit in somewhere in my week. Wish I'd just gotten KFC though! Too much sugar.... uuuhhhh....

Wont be weighing in for two weeks now - going to Melbourne on Sunday. I might find a meeting down there but chances are slim. When uni goes back I have a lecture on at my ww meeting time so that's screwed up - there's only one other meeting I could attend and it's in the city - one of those lunch time ones for working people. I don't think I'll like it :( My meeting now is really good! Chances are I'll start skipping the lecture and going to WW instead hehe. Oh well.

Tummy troubles

2006-01-30T23:42:00.000+10:00

Last week's weight: 87.0kg
This week's weight: 87.1kg
Gain this week: 0.1kg

Stepping on the scales at WW tonight I actually gave a sigh of relief! I was dreading a far worse result and am actually quite happy with my 0.1kg gain. It's practically a maintain! And judging by my 1kg gain when I checked last Thursday I think I've done pretty well with 'damage control' over the weekend! I ended up having a few beers on Saturday night at the BBQ (hell, they were free! Who turns down free beer?) so that was my only setback. I also ate cake at the BBQ *smiles cheekily* yep, a really small piece but it was very satisfying. There were 5 (count em, 5) cakes on offer and I chose one, cut a tiny bit and ate it nice and slowly. Oh yeah, there was lots of icing and sprinkles - yum! And I'm proud to say I didn't go back for more, or sample the chocolate mud cake or the caramel cheese cake or the lemon cheese cake or the tirimasu! (Why on earth there were so many cakes is beyond me, but the hosts will have a good old time finishing off the leftovers!).

Sunday step was cancelled because the instructor was away, so we did a boxing curcuit instead... good-o, I like my boxing, but I really was in the mood for step :( I'll have to go to an extra step this week cos I feel cheated! I ate lightly and went for an hour walk in the afternoon aswell. Didn't eat anything after 5pm! Weird, hey, but I just wasn't hungry.

Then this morning I went to the pool and swam 17 laps in 45 mins. 12 of those were freestyle... I found once again that my foot started to cramp up around the 10lap mark, but this time I worked through it instead of giving up. I'd like to work up to 20 laps (1km), and then start to focus on swimming for longer periods uninterrupted. I'm currently pausing every 25m to catch my breath, although I can easily swim 50m breastroke... but I still find freestlye a little more challenging. I did complete a 50m freestyle lap today but I was really gasping for air at the end of it. It's really exciting and positive to focus on improving my technique and endurance... a lot of the time with exercise I mainly see it just as a means to losing weight, but lately - with swimming and with other things like my weights programs - I've been really focusing on improving my fitness and pushing myself to achieve goals. I'm proud of this shift in mentality! Exercise is going to be a part of my life from now on - how cool is that?! *grins*

On a little bit of a downer note, I have to say I'm feeling incredibly unattractive lately - my stomach is pretty saggy and I'm beginning to realise I'm going to have a pretty bad loose skin problem at the end of all this. My stomach doesn't sit the way I see it in other girls. It isn't nice and round like a little pot (Think of Bruce Willis's girlfriend in Pulp Fiction teehee *chuckles*) Rather there are two distinct rolls and the top one is smaller and sort of hangs over my belly button. I hate it with a vengance! And while the whole package is obviously getting smaller, it isn't changing shape!! Will I always have this flab?!

I went shopping on Sunday without the intention of buying anything, just to try things on - and while I was happy that clothes were fitting me, I was distraught that most tops showed my stomach lumps off... I guess I am still limited, hey? It's all about finding the right clothes to suit you, I guess. But I am worried about how it will turn out.

Despite this, I am feeling positive!! I will definitely have a good week because I'm making a committment to myself right now. I'm going to actually start thinking before putting food in my mouth! Something I failed to do quite frequently last week. I've got two weeks til I next go to Melbourne, what do you say I can lose 1.5kg in that time? Sure! :)

A close call!

2006-01-28T16:33:00.000+10:00

As I sit here eating my delicious white-fleshed nectarine, I sigh a big sigh of relief that I'm not instead feeding my face with an enormous iced doughnut. I was at Coles 15 mins ago buying some chicken kebabs for the BBQ I'm heading to tonight and I walked past those damn doughnuts at least four times. The last three times were once they'd been reduced to $1.00 because it's the end of the day and I actually picked them up and held them in my hands. But I thought "no, doughnuts is the last thing I need" and put them back before heading to the checkout 'sans-doughnut'.

Oh, but I want them. I still want them. I can hear them calling my name all the way from the supermarket! I just want cake of any kind - chocolate cake, white mud cake, banana cake, apple tea cake, mousse cake.... Mmmmmmmmmmmm... cake. That's the biggest craving I get on WW because it's the one thing I don't allow myself to eat. Not only because it's high in points, but because eating cake requires buying a whole cake, which means there's no way I'd stop at one piece. I have been known to devour an entire Woolies mud cake in one day before! If I had someone who would have eating all five of the other doughnuts in the pack today I probably would have bought them. But seeing as buying the whole packet means I would have eaten the whole packet, it was a wise decision to put them back.

Funnily enough, that nectarine has quite satisfied my sweet-tooth for now. And I've got some coke zero and Sunkist light to help me with further cravings over the weekend! Every time I finish a savoury meal, I always want to finish it off with something sweet. Usually a diet softdrink does the trick, so it is handy to have them in the fridge.

So a bit of an update for the week - Wednesday and Thursday were both baaaaad eating days - I ate too much ice-cream, too many chocolates, too many chips and too much dip with watercrackers! Australia day was spent at my friend's house having a BBQ and Wednesday night was a housewarming party for another friend. And the ice-cream and chocolate is just me having NO self discipline at work. Yeah, I really went all out - and just so you know, it wasn't worth it.

So yesterday I did a 90 min gym session and finished on 12.5pts, which I know is low, but after two high point days I think its justified. And today I've done aqua aerobics and so far have eaten 9.5 points, but I am off to another BBQ tonight - plan to eat my chicken kebabs (a sausage substitute) with salad and try to avoid the chips and dips which I know will be ample. Tomorrow will also be a low point day with lots of fruit and points-free soup. With Body Step tomorrow and laps swimming on Monday, I have my fingers crossed that I don't gain!! I was up a kilo on Thursday, so I'll use that as a guide to see how sucessful my 'damage control' weekend is. Here's hoping!

Oh, and I just have to mention how funny my aqua aerobics class was this morning! I've never been to this particular class before, and when I turned up I was surprised to find about 15 old ladies hanging around with deep water running belts on (floating devices that you strap around your waist). I smiled smugly and thought "yeah, this will be a breeze" and said to the conductor "I don't need a belt, do I?" to which he casually replied that I didn't. I figured the belts were just to ensure the old biddies don't drown themselves... so the class commences, and I find that we're in a diving pool - in other words, the thing is like over 3m deep! So the entire time I'm frantically treading water just to keep my head above the surface while all the ladies are hanging back having a good old time! And every exercise we did required the safety and support of the belt in some way, so I was forced to splash around like an idiot just to keep myself afloat!! Anyway, I felt like a fool, but my only consolation is I probably got twice the workout with all the dog paddling I had to do! At the end of the day, though, I don't think I'll go back to that class. I know there's a better one with *much* younger people and a more exciting, funkier latin type routine at a pool that's not too far away. Either that or I'll focus on swimming laps. I'm excited about improving my technique and endurance and maybe one day being a strong swimmer!!

Hope everyone's weekend is going well! I'll check in after weigh in :)

What the...?

2006-01-23T19:37:00.000+10:00

Another 1kg loss!!!!! Huh?! I'm not doing anything especially good, and two days last week I'm sure I was well over my daily points allowance. Honestly, it seems like when I have what I think is an "ok" week bordering on "bad" I end up having a good result on the scales, and then when I feel like I've done really well, the result is only so-so! I want to know why that happens! My only theory is that with the amount of exercise I do - that is 5 or more hours a week - I need to eat more food to balance things out a bit. Maybe when I eat less with the same amount of exercise my body tries to hang onto fat stores or something?! I really don't know. Anyway, I'm not complaining! 3.2kg lost in 3 weeks! I don't think I've had losses that consistantly big since I started. Which, incidently is almost a year. March 7th 2005 is when I began so I'm only about six weeks off that. 25-26kg in a year? Not bad, but not great, either - I could easily be at goal by now. It's all good, though! This weight loss thing is not a race, and I actually really enjoy going at my own pace and enjoying the journey rather than being really strict with myself and hating being on a 'diet'. This is a lifestyle change and I know that's the difference between this time and my previous weight loss attempts.

Today I went swimming at the centenary pool. Walked 25 mins there, swam for 45 mins and walked 25 mins home. I swam 15 50m laps - 5 breastroke, 5 freestlye and 5 breastroke with a floaty noodle thing tucked under my belly! I took 25mins to swim the 10 proper laps and I could feel myself improving with each lap I swam! But by the end I had a pretty bad cramp in my foot which is why I swapped to using the pool noodle. Seriously though, for someone who hasn't swam properly since she was in primary school and even then was considerably crap at it, I think I'm doing pretty well! And if I keep it up I know I'll only get better. Centenary pool also offeres Aqua aerobics so I'm definitely going to start doing those once a week. Saturday mornings, 9.30am. Woo! Can't wait!!

So I had a new weights program written up for me by the super hot trainer, Rhys (so hot and so nice to me that I was giggling and blushing at everything he said!) and I am really excited about it - it's got free weights and the chin up machine as well as lots of ab work and lunges and squats. But I haven't had a chance to do it yet, and with my busy class schedule, I don't know when I'll really get the chance to do it at all! I do Boxing on tuesday, Cycle on Wednesday, Pump on Thursday, Aqua on Saturday, Step on Sunday - so that leaves Monday and Friday, and I need to have at least ONE rest day, and I would like to have one day of swimming too...... So when can I fit it in? I could do it after Step and after Cycle, but I'm usually so buggered after step that I can't wait to get home and into the shower, and you are supposed to leave at least one day between weights sessions so after cycle is out, and technically Friday too... Hmmmm.... Seems crazy to me that there's not enough time in my week to fit in all the exercise I want to do!!!! If you'd told me that a few years ago I would have scoffed in your face.

My room-mate's sister is moving in here on Thursday and her parents are driving her up - so I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally need to clean the house!!! It's been so messy since Danielle's been away. Mostly Tom's mess, but I know he wont clean it. I hate living with boys! So my tasks for this week are:

Clean the house
Book my computer in to be upgraded
Book my scooter in to have tyre and brake pad's replaced
Write a letter to appeal the parking ticket I was issued on the weekend!
Do 300mins or more of exercise
Stick to my points each day

Too easy!! 87kg! Woo! in 1.1kg time, I'll have less than 10kg to go! That will be a good feeling :)

On my way to fit and fabulous!

2006-01-18T22:02:00.000+10:00

I got up this morning to go to my cycle class but when I got there I was the only one! No one else was there which is unusual because it's a pretty popular class - but the trainer, Heidi, who also does boxercise and pump suggested that she give me a fitness assessment instead since it would be a bit silly doing cycle one on one. So we did the assessment which consisted of doing five minutes each on the treadmill, x-trainer, bike and rower and seeing at what level I needed to work to reach the correct heart rate and therefore the optimal intensity for fat burning. Turns out, according to the assessment, my fitness level is "very good"! Woooooo! Very good?! Me? My fitness level is VERY GOOD?! My god, I've made some amazing changes to my life. Never ever would I have thought that my fitness level is very good. Heidi says that a combination of the boxing curcuit, cycle classes and interval jogging on the treadmill would have contributed to this, as each of those involves doing repeated intervals of high intensity workout where your heart rate is above 100%. (Yeah, that's what she said - she's the trainer, she knows what she's talking about!)

So while my fitness is at a 'very good' level (*wink*) my strength is quite pitiful. Heidi assessed how many reps of each strength exercise on her list I could do in a minute. I was ok with push ups and leg lifts (that's the only name I can come up with for them - it was stepping up onto a bench with the same leg repeatedly), but for chin ups and pull ups, well, I couldn't even do one. Apparantly I have NO strength in my back muscles! So tomorrow morning I've got a review of my weights program so I can start working on building up some strength in my back and hopefully one day being able to do a chin up! Or even just half a one!!! I'll be assessed again in 8 weeks so I want to be able to do even half a chin up by then haha

I've got my meals planned for the week - I think they're all no count recipies! Stir-fry last night, steak and veg tonight, then for the rest of the week I've got gnocchi with tomato and veg sauce, chicken & veg curry and stuffed jacket potato. For lunch I'm going to make up a big batch of cous-cous salad with roasted capsicum, fetta cheese, cherry tomatoes, baby spinach, chick peas and bacon. Yuuuuuuuuuum :) I think I'll have to send that one in to pointscafe! It's so nice.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow - I want to be daring and do something a bit outrageous, but without cutting my hair really short (which I refuse to do) there's only so much you can do... I think I'll give the hairdresser a bit of creative control, let her experiment a bit hahaha. I don't really care, my hair needs some character, and if I hate it I'll just tie it back! My hair grows fast anyway.

I've been tagged by Deb, but I thought I'd go back and do the other survey she tagged me for about a month back instead! So here it is:

Never in my life: will I shave my head
When I was five: I had blonde hair and wore cheezels on my fingers at birthday parties
High School is: the most social time of your life, and an opportunity to be friends with people you wouldn't normally associate with purely because you have school in common
There's this girl: who has no idea how she alienates people by being so self absorbed, and will NEVER realise that her good looks are not such a blessing. I would rather be ME any day.
Last night: I watched "I heart Huckabees" - one of the strangest movies I've ever seen but it must be brilliant because it made me laugh out loud several times, when I NEVER laugh out loud when I'm alone.
When I turn my head left, I see: A huge advertisment poster for Coldrock with a broken Freddo who says "These guys crack me up"
When I turn my head right, I see: My room-mate's very messy computer desk
A better name for me would be: Hooty McBoob.
I have a hard time understanding: Depression and how best to deal with someone you love who is experiencing it
You know I like you if: I touch you when I talk to you, and tease you about everything
My ideal breakfast is: A smorgasboard of fresh fruits, poached eggs with buttered toast, crispy bacon and croissants with jam.
If you spend the night at my house: beware of possums that have learned to open the back screen door and raid the rubbsih bin in the early hours of the morning!
I always make it a point to: let the people I love know that I love them.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be in another relationship where I don't fully respect my partner.
And by the way: I've only got 12kg til my goal weight *grin*

Week one results

2006-01-16T20:11:00.000+10:00

I had a 1.1kg loss again this week! Two weeks in a row! 88kg! Woo, I'm powering!

That's a lot of exclaimation marks...

I'm very happy with this result, especially as it's now TTOTM and I was expecting a bit of a gain from that. Not sure if the whole bloating thing really applies to me anyway, as I seem to have no other side effects from my menstrual cycle - no pain, no moods, no cravings... yeah, I know you wanna slap me hehe

I guess my 300 mins of exercise last week paid off! After reading the "move" book last week I decided to measure my exercise based on minutes, so that I know I'm getting in a good amount. I decided I should aim for 300 mins a week (or 5 hours a week). That way, if I cut my one hour walk short by 15 mins (which I did last week when I was called into work unexpectedly) then I know I have to do an extra 15 mins later in the week to compensate. My leader at WW is always stressing that small bouts of exercise are just as effective as one big bout, and I figure he can't keep saying that if it doesn't have some element of truth! He also said tonight that walking 5km burns the same amount of energy as running 5km. That struck me as a little strange... He did stress that walking for five minutes is not the same as running for five minutes, so it's not a matter of TIME, only a matter of DISTANCE, because walking 5km is going to take a lot longer than if you ran 5km. A little confusing, I know, but I suppose it makes sense.

This week I'm going to do something about getting my computer upgraded so I can finally start tracking in Excel again. I roughly track on paper at the moment, but when I get my excel spreadsheet up and running I find that I tend to plan my food really well. With exercise under control, eating is what I really need to focus on!

I'm going out to dinner on Thurdsay night with a girlfriend from Uni who I invited to my 21st but never showed up.. She rang out of the blue today with some excuse about being in Canberra, but I'm not sure that's the real reason she didn't come... She's a bit strange like that. Anyway, we're going for a meal at Toscani's which I'm pretty sure doesn't have too many healthy options! I might go check out their menu before the night (since I work across the road) and see if there's something I can eat. I really want to do well again this week! I'm surprised how motivational this 12 week challenge is so far! It really makes me want to have a good result to post up on the chart for all to see! I'm far less likely to give in to temptation when I know my results will be on show for everyone. (Not that anyone who doesn't read my blog already will even know who I am or CARE but it's all a mental thing, isn't it? :))

I auditioned for a play on Sunday and didn't get the part :( I feel a little crap about it, but I know I shouldn't... that's the life of an actor and if I wanna be one, I have to get used to it! But it's still a bit of a blow to the ego. But it's all good! All the more reason to lose weight - to open myself up to any role!

By the way, my weigher at WW commented that I was looking particularly slim and that she almost didn't recognise me :) woo! Oh man, only 12kg to go *grins*

porridge again?!

2006-01-14T11:41:00.000+10:00

So how do you like the new template? I thought it was about time for something a little different! Something fresh and new! I really do need to 'kickstart' my dieting motor at the moment. I'm doing really well with exercise, but I haven't tracked all week, I've just been doing rough calculations in my head. I think I should try the nocount plan, because tracking is the last thing I want to do lately! Let me think about it seriously... on no count, I just have to cut out cheese, eat only two slices of bread a day (easy), not eat any coldrock(!!) and watch what I use to cook my meals with... It's really pretty straight forward. And now is the best time to do it with all the delicious summer fruits we have access to! I'm not sure how much longer I can keep eating porridge for breakfast though. Breakfast is my biggest issue on no count - I love museli and cereals with fruit in them. I can't stand special K and I can only eat weetbix with lite or fullcream milk - with skim they taste like crap! So let me ask you - if you're following nocount - what do you have for breakfast?

No coldrock is also a pretty big issue. I very rarely go all out at work, but I usually sneak in a malteaser here and a freckle there... Not touching anything would be a real challenge!! In fact, maybe I should make it an official challenge! Starting Monday I'll follow nocount and eat NO coldrock or coldrock related foods. And I'm working five shifts next week too so it's going to be extra hard! But I should be able to do it - I wouldn't eat chocolates and stuff if I didn't go to work, it's only because they're there and openly available that I eat them. It's like the ww 10 winning habits - "sort your surroundings". They would probably suggest I get a new job, but NO WAY! It's the best job in the world :)

I'm excited about the Australian Biggest Loser which is coming to our TV's soon, but I'm a little confused by the ads - They show each person's weight and then how much they need to lose, and the amount is significantly less than what they really need to lose... I mean, obviously without knowing their height it's impossible to tell what their healthy weight range is, but I noticed one girl who weighed 155kg wanted to lose 70kg - that would make her 85kg at the end and you'd have to be, like 2m high to weigh that much and be in the healthy weight range! I wonder why they're doing that? Any ideas?
As much as I love the Biggest Loser and find it moving and motivational, I can't help feeling like it's a big "lets poke fun at fat people" free for all. Anyone who isn't and who never has been overweight wouldn't understand it or empathise with it and therefore would be watching it just to laugh at how fat these people are and how they can't walk up stairs properly etc etc. And that makes me sad. I'm definitely in two minds about the show - on one hand I think it's a great inspiration for all overweight people to feel represented and get motivated to lose weight themselves, and on the otherhand I feel like it could be a ratings grabber for the TV stations because they know people love to laugh at those who are worse off than themselves.

Let's take a trip back in time

2006-01-10T14:37:00.000+10:00

It was the era of big hair, shoulder pads, blue eyeshadow, high top sneakers, bike shorts and baggy t-shirts, neon colours and mullets... it was the era of Prince and Madonna, The CareBears and Masters of the Universe, Alf and Family Ties... Yes, my friends. I'm talking about the 80's.

I've entered the 80's zone!!!

Woo! 89.1kg, thats a 1.1kg loss of the christmas/new year period. I am so satisfied with this result and there is a big smile plastered on my face! I finally made it to the 80's!

This weight loss thing is beginning to feel very real. I have 13kg to go until I'm in the healthy weight range for my height. I have the potential to lose that so quickly! In reality I probably wont lose it so quickly, but it's such a small amount! I scoff at women who've lost that much on WW (I know, terribly mean of me, any weight loss is a great effort and something to be incredibly proud of.) The point I'm trying to make is 13kg is So achieveable!! When I started, 34kg seemed impossible, but now it's only 13kg. I can do that. I'm going to do that. My god, I'm going to be slim - I'm going to be normal! Can you understand what a huge thing that is for me!? I have been overweight my whole life. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal sized.

I'm scared that I wont be happy when I get to goal, or to my personal goal (which is currently set at 68kg). I have this mindset that when I'm slim, I'll find love and fulfillment and be satisfied in life... and chances are that's not going to happen. What if I'm still incredibly lonely when I get to goal? Will I keep the weight off?? Very scary... but I'll worry about that when I get there hehe.

I know that I'm a fairly confident person now anyway - I know that I love myself and believe in myself... I do think that when I'm at goal I'll be happy. But there's a niggling thought in the back of my mind.....................................

Photo time!

2006-01-07T15:06:00.000+10:00

It's about time I showed you some of the photos from my 21st and other things... I'll put a few up here and the rest should be in Flickr so you can wander over there and see them all if you fancy! I haven't really posted many photos of myself on this blog at all, so maybe this will be a bit weird for some of you who may have an idea of what I look like in your head... I know with a few of you guys I've been surprised when I see multiple photos after only seeing one or two! Different angles and lighting and clothing and facial expressions make people look so different in various photos, dont ya think?

This is my best friend Katty and I at my party in Brisbane

Another at my Brisbane party - Brie, myself and Kira, pulling strange faces. Brie is a renowned beauty and is definitely not modest about it, but in this picture I reckon I look far hotter than her! hahaha Look at my tan! All real, baby!

Before my birthday dinner in Melbourne (yes, same outfit! It was my 21st outfit, afterall!)

Me at the beach at Mooloolabah last week with my parents. Long way to go figure-wise, but it's probably the slimmest I've been in years. Not probably - definitely.

And lastly, me blowing out my candles at my Melbourne b'day bash! What a cool photo, hey?

Anyway, like I said - there's a few more to see over at flickr. (Didn't realise you could only upload a certain amount each month, so there's not as many in there as I would have liked.. maybe next month :)

So I'm feeling really good and on top of things at the moment. I've been to the gym or out for a walk every day and have finished each day below points. My shitty home scales are showing very positive results but we'll wait until my weigh in Monday night before we get excited, wont we? Lets just say I'm feeling an 8 coming on! :)

I've worked 5 shifts this week and I've got 5 shifts next week, and the way it works out with my Centrelink payment, I'll only be about $50 better off in the fortnight than if I had worked 2 shifts each week! NOT HAPPY. All this extra work for nothing... Yes I'm definitely looking forward to going back to uni. Especially since this year one of my lectures is 7pm-9pm Friday night! Which means I wont be able to do Friday night shifts at work this semester! Wooohoo! (as long as that doesn't mean I'm on every Saturday night I'll be happy!)

Nothing more to report unitl Monday night!! v. excited :)

Happy New year everyone!

2006-01-03T15:50:00.000+10:00

2006 already, hey? I can't believe it. The years go by so much faster as you get older, I think. Soon uni will begin again and life will resume some sort of routine.. wich will make it easier to eat well, I think. When I'm at home all day every day (that's right, I don't have a life) I tend to eat all day every day haha. So while I don't want to start uni from a workload point of view, it will be better health wise.

I had a pretty good Christmas, although it was a bit unusual - no presents (I'd recieved them all when I went shopping with Mum in Melbourne before chrissy), no tree, no extended family - not even my brother! Just my parents and I, here in my flat. We had a late lunch and went for an afternoon walk. Very laid back!

My parents were here all last week on holidays, from christmas day to new years day. We had a fairly good time doing touristy type things. We hired a car and went to the sunshine coast on Friday night and I'm now in love with Caloundra. I want to live there! I think maybe when I get my degree I'll look into getting work up there... Anyway, my parents know a few people in QLD so we visited a lot of their friends, all of whom are over 55 at least, so I have been surrounded by old people talk! Top 3 topics of conversation for people over 55:
1. The various ailments/illnesses/problems that come with age. Old people love to talk about their health problems, like it's a trophy they need to show off! Why is that?
2. The weather. Every day my parents needed to know what temperature it was, what the top temperature would be and what it would drop to overnight. They continuously pondered whether it would rain, or what the pink clouds and sunset meant for the next day... And when they see friends, the first thing they talk about is how hot it is compared to how hot it was last year and compared to how hot it is in Melbourne and then they speculate as to how cold it might be in the UK... argh!
3. Generally racist comments and ideas - it must be something to do with their generation, but my parents and their friends have very "us and them" mentalities when it comes to people of other nationalities. And I don't think they do it intentionally, but it seems very apparent to me, as someone much younger with a different mindset. They're not vicious or anything, it's just very subtle...

I've eaten far too much since christmas, I'm sure, but I'm not going to dwell on that! This week I'm right back into it. I've done my grocery shopping and I bought nothing but whole fresh foods - nothing processed! I'm going to follow points but try to stick mainly to foods in the no count plan. That way I'm eating healthily, but I can still allow for times when I need to eat something outside the no count program. It's also to try and wean myeself into it, see if I could follow no count occasionally. I do like the idea of it, especially since in means you're primarily eating good foods. I feel like I need to detox myself after christmas! I did, however, go through the fridge and throw out all the leftover chocolates, lollies and dops!! A BIG deal for me since I never ever waste food - I have never thrown out food that is perfectly edible! But yesterday I did and I'm very proud of myself. Good thing too, because the packet of chocolate coated peanuts I threw out was worth 36 points and I know I would have finished it off before the end of the week... YAY ME!

I'm back to the gym tonight for boxercise. I actually really don't want to go, but I know I have to. I haven't been to the gym for over a month and I NEED to get back to it. I've been walking and swimming, but I know my classes are good for me, so I have to make myself motivated again. I've got 14.2kg to lose officially, but I'd like to lose 22kg by the end of the year. It's definitely realistic and achieveable and I need to push myself to make it happen. I have to stop being complacent. It's time for action!!

Food plan for today:
Breakfast - cereal (2.5) milk (1) = (3.5)
Snack - plum (.5) nectarine (1) = (1.5)
Lunch - rice cakes (1.5) tuna (2) cottage cheese (1) cucumber (0) = (4.5)
Snack - watermelon (1) = (1)
Dinner - lamb cutlets (4) mash potato (2) veges (0) = (6)
snack - ice cream with mixed berries (3) = (3)
Total - 19.5

Big sigh of relief!

2005-12-22T11:44:00.000+10:00

I guess I'm not as self destructive as I thought - in the past month that I've been almost completely off the program, I've been eating way outside of points (well I guess so because I haven't been tracking), I've been on holidays and eating out/drinking too much alcohol, and I've done very little exercise - I've actually lost 300g! As you know I've been dreading a big gain, but I got myself down to my WW meeting on Monday night and it turns out I had nothing to worry about. It just goes to show that I have made life changes, I am making sensible choices (sometimes) and my lifestyle is now relatively healthy! If I can go a month where I feel I've totally relaxed and not worried about food and actually LOSE weight then I've got to be doing something right.

Having said that, I know I slacked off on exercise and I'm definitely getting right back into that now that my "holiday" is over. And I do know I ate too much at times, so I'm back to keeping that in line and being sensible.

So now I've officially hit the 20kg lost mark! On the dot! What an achievement :) I have rewarded myself with a brand new Breville health smart grill. (Well, actually it was a birthday present from my Auntie and Uncle - they gave me the money to go buy it - but it's as good a reward as any and I don't need to be spending money on myself during christmas time!) I haven't used it yet, but it's sexy and I'm excited to try it out!

I have taken so many pictures with my new digital camera - another birthday present, this time from my parents! I currently can't upload them at home due to the crapness of both my computer and my room-mate's comptuer, but I should be able to upload them at Uni and post some for y'all soon!

I went to the beach yesterday with my best friend Kat and her boyfriend. When I changed into my new bathers, Kat said she was "floored" by how much weight I'd lost! She said obviously she knew I'd lost weight and had noticed otherwise, but when I put my bathers on she said I looked "positively skinny!" and she even said "look at your stomach!" (which I'm assuming was a good thing, not a mention of the ever present fat roll haha). We had so much fun in the sea, tackling those monster waves. I reckon that's a pretty good workout in itself, jumping and diving and trying to walk against the current! And so much fun! I wish I lived at the beach...

So my parents will be here Christmas morning and I have a LOT of cleaning to do before then so I had better get back to it! MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone, if I don't post again before Sunday!! Hope everyone has a great day and has a wonderful time with their loved ones :)

It's time to get real.

2005-12-19T14:48:00.000+10:00

My birthday party ended up being ok.. The party was supposed to start at 8pm but the first people didn't arrive until about 9, and even then there were only three people there... I was freaking out so much and about to CRY because I was so sure no one would come, but then at around 9.45pm everyone turned up at once and the party began! I got some great presents - a gold necklace, a DVD player, a vintage handbag, wine glasses, a Benrik diary, a personalised mixed CD, a watch, as well as some flowers and champagne! A lot of people didn't show up - some without so much as a text message to say they couldn't make it, so I was a little disappointed about that, but the most important people were there so that's all that matters. So the party didn't really start until 10 and then everyone had gone home by 12.30pm so it was short and sweet and it left me feeling a little sad, like the whole thing was such an anti-climax when I'd been so excited about it and had planned it for so long... but I shouldn't complain. At least I got a good night's sleep and there wasn't too much cleaning up to do! One of the things that upset me the most was that my best friend Katherine turned up late and left early.. she was the one who helped me plan the whole thing, she's supposed to be my closest friend and I really needed her to be there the whole night with me.. she did it to me last year too. Disappointing :(

Anyway, enough of that. So now I'm 21. Now I'm a 'woman' according to my friend, Dan hahaha. Now I can move on.

Today I went for a swim - I walked to the pool (20 mins), swam 10 laps (40 mins - yes, I'm slow haha) and walked home (20 mins). So all in all, not bad exercise for the day! I got to wear my new bathers that my parents bought me for my b'day ($150! ouch!) I think I got a little bit sunburnt despite wearing sunscreen, but I'm ok with that - means it will turn into tan! haha Actually, I'm pretty happy with my tan these days! I think I get a lot of sun exposure just from riding my scooter around every day! The photo's from the party turned out great! I think I look pretty good in most of them, but it's still painfully clear that I need to lose another 20 kilo's.

Tonight is my weight watchers meeting and yes - I'm going back! I'm going to find out about this new program and get back into the swing of things. It's TTOTM so the gain will probably be even worse, but I just have to bite the bullet. There's no point putting it off, I need to face up to the damage I've done in the last few weeks and move forward! Probably not the best time to go back just before christmas, because I'll probably have a gain next week too, but who cares? Better now than never.

I'm going on the Christmas lights Bus Tour with Zoe tomorrow night so that means I'll miss boxing curcuit, but I'll go to cardio blitz in the morning instead. Then cycle on Wednesday, pump on Thursday, walk/jog Friday and Saturday and then Sunday is freeeee! Woo christmas! My parents are coming up on Christmas morning and staying until the 2nd of January. Hopefully I'll still get some good gym time in while they're here, and they're staying with me so I can cook healthy meals most nights instead of us all going out to eat.. my mum and I did WW together when I lived in Melbourne, so she'll help me along for the week and make sure I stick to the program as much as possible!

I know it's not New year yet, but my new year's resolution is to get to goal weight and then some. I want to weigh 70kg by christmas next year! That's 20 or so kilo's to lose in a year. Definitely achievable considering I lost 20 in less than a year this year. 2006 is going to be MY YEAR and I'm going to LOOK GREAT by the end of it! No exceptions! This is the year!! That's so exciting :)

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to

2005-12-16T15:16:00.000+10:00

I thought I would write a post to let y'all know I'm not dead! I'm here, I'm reading most of your blogs and commenting on some... but I am so out of it WW wise that I have nothing positive to post. I haven't been to a meeting in three weeks - I have no idea how much I weigh and I am shit scared to face the truth. I haven't tracked in weeks and my exercise lately has been minimal. Ok, so I have just got back from a 10 day holiday in Melbourne where I had a fabulous time and ate and drank accordingly...

It's my birthday today. I'm 21.

I'm having a party tonight and I have no idea how many people are coming. I'm scared no one will turn up :( I'm really not in a party mood! It's overcast and threatening to rain, I feel fat and lethargic and I've been cleaning the house all day. Great way to spend your birthday, huh?

I'm intrigued to hear there is a new WW program out... maybe that's enough motivation to get me back to my meetings? I need something new to give me back that enthusiasm for losing weight! I wanted to be in the 80's for my birthday... it's my birthday today and I'm definitely not getting on the scales. Cos I WOULD cry.